Sweet Charity Page #5

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Um...

No.

Ask me some more

questions.

Well, look,

Miss, uh, Valentine...

How about, uh,

stenotypist?

Oh. Are you

a stenotypist?

Well, not at the moment.

But you do stenotype?

- Maybe.

- Uh-huh. What do you mean?

What is it?

Um, where did you

go to school?

Uh, public

elementary school #84.

I mean after that.

After what?

This isn't goin'

too good, is it?

Have you ever had

any formal training...

in any field whatsoever?

Well, nothing

that comes to mind.

Well, then, what do you

expect me to do?

I told you,

find me a nice job.

But you can't do anything.

B- But I must be able

to do somethin'.

Well, I mean, everybody

knows how to do somethin'.

Don't they?

I used to think so.

Look, miss, uh...

Valentine. Oh, please, Mr. Nicholsby,

you gotta find me somethin'.

I don't wanna go back to that

place where I'm workin', you know?

I mean, I want a nice job where

I can meet some nice people.

I w... I want very much

to change my life.

I'll work hard. I'll work awful

hard. And I'll learn quick.

Find me somethin',

Mr. Nicholsby, please.

Ohh, is this a gag?

- Huh?

- I'm right, aren't I?

It is a gag. Those guys down

the hall put you up to it.

Like the time they sent over a guy that

stuttered for a radio announcer's job.

They should know by now

I can spot 'em.

You can tell them

you really had me going.

But it took you a while,

didn't it?

Well, you're a very good

sp-sport, Mr. Nicholsby.

Listen, you're

pretty good yourself.

Well, I gotta be goin' now.

I have a job, you know.

I got a swell job.

I was just

helpin' 'em out.

That stuff about "public elementary

school #84"... That was perfect.

Yeah, it was good.

Miss? Are you

going down, miss?

Miss, I'm afraid I'm

going to be awfully late.

I didn't mean to rush

you. I hope I wasn't rude,

but I have an appointment, and

if I'm late, they'll blow a fuse.

- What was that?

- We stopped.

Why did I have to say that?

About blowing out a fuse.

What a dumb thing to say.

Press the button over there.

We'll get started again.

We're stuck.

Yeah.

Oh, boy.

Kind of st...

Kind of stuffy in here.

Isn't it

kind of stuffy?

Maximum weight in pounds:

Yeah, we're all right.

Course we're all right.

Yeah, we're fine. We're fine.

Yeah.

We're just stuck in the...

the little old elevator.

Hey, are you okay really? Who, me?

Yeah.

Oh, yes, I'm fine.

I'm fine. L-I have to get used to it,

that's all, 'cause this is the first time...

I've ever been trapped

in an elevator.

Trapped, trapped, trapped.

Hey.

Hey, do you have that thing, you know,

where you're scared of small, tight places?

Claustrophobia? No, no, no. Yeah.

Nothing like that.

Claustrophobia?

No, no, no, no, no, no.

No, I-I just,

uh, can't stand...

small, tight places.

But I can handle this all right, because I know

we'll get out of here in a couple of minutes.

- Well, sure, we will.

- You really think so?

- Of course I think so.

- If you thought we're really trapped, what would you say?

But we're not

really trapped.

Yeah, I know, but if you thought

we were, what would you say?

Then I'd say,

"We're really trapped. "

My God! I knew it!

I knew it!

Dear, you shouldn't

get so excited.

Yeah. Look.

Isn't this awful?

'Cause I never act this way, really.

I'm a very calm, organized person.

I want you to know that if-if-if-if

it really comes down to it,

you can depend on me.

You understand that?

Yeah, I understand.

Yeah. I just hope

it doesn't come down to it.

Maybe I should yell for help. Why not?

Help.

Help.

Help!

Oh! Here. My name is

Charity Hope Valentine, and...

Hey, you're shaking!

All over.

Let me rub your wrist.

You know what I feel like doing now?

I mean, you know what my impulse is?

To take off

all my clothes.

I don't think that

would do very much good.

You'd think they'd have a telephone

in here, wouldn't you? Never again.

Never go in an elevator again without

checking for a phone! Always check for a phone!

Hey.

Listen, I have an idea.

What do you think of this?

Climbing out the top of the elevator,

shimmying up the cable and then forcing

the door open on the floor above.

Well, it might work, but I do

think it sounds a little dangerous.

Then don't try it.

Stay here with me.

Hey, come on down there! We

don't think it's funny anymore!

If I could just get out

for a few minutes.

Just a few minutes outside,

and then I'd be all right.

Then I'd come back inside. Listen.

I really think the best thing to do

is keep talking about something else.

Then you won't think about it, okay? What's

your name? Your name. What's your name?

Don't ya have a name?

I don't think so.

Well, sure you have a name. Everybody's

got a name. Bruce, Howard, Richard...

Oscar. My name

is Oscar Lindquist.

Oscar Lindquist?

It's stuffy in here.

No, no, no, let's keep our clothes

on, Oscar. Now, where do you live?

Who? Oscar Lindquist. Where

do you live, Oscar Lindquist?

Keep talking. Where do

you live? In an elevator!

You don't live in an elevator.

You live in a house. Now concentrate!

breathing so much. I'm gonna use up all the air.

Keep talking, Oscar.

Keep talking.

That's not fair. You should

breathe some of the air.

I can breathe. Now

listen. Where do you work?

The Excelsior Life Insurance company. "Your

life is our business. " I'm an actuary.

What's an actuary? I figure out

premiums based on the probabilities.

Good, Oscar. Now what's

a probability? The odds.

The odds on what? Keep talking.

Suppose you wanted a policy.

Yes, I want a policy. Go on. It's my

job to study your particular situation...

Yes. And then figure out the odds...

on your meeting with

an unfortunate accident...

like... like suffo...

suff...

suffocating in an elevator.

Oscar! Mr. Lindquist!

Are you all right?

Boy, this is really

my lucky day.

Of all the millions of guys in town, I

wind up with a candidate for the funny farm.

Not too bad-lookin' though.

For a fruitcake.

It's a nice face

As faces go

It's a very nice face

With a place

for every feature

Every feature in its place

Not a commonplace face

His eyes

Blue

His chin's stubborn and strong

His ears

They're ordinary ears

His nose

A little long

Still

It's a gentle face

A little square

A little corny

It's a sentimental face

If he'd smile

He'd look like so

When he's mad

He'd look like so

So

Don't make this

a federal case

It's just another pretty face

But you know:

It's a very, very

Very nice

Face

Where am I? Do you remember

where you were before?

No. Well, you're still there.

Oh, my God! Don't leave me!

I won't leave you, Oscar.

I promise. I'll stay right here

in this elevator with you,

and everything's

gonna be just fine.

What happened? I think

the lights went out.

Oh, boy!

Help.

Help.

Help.

Help.

Help.

Help! Help!

Help.

Help.

Help.

Oscar, Oscar!

The lights are on.

Push the button. Push the button! Yes.

Oh! It's moving. It's moving!

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