Sweet Home Alabama Page #4

What the hell is this...|chick food?

Light beer... less calories.

I tried to pick out|a new bed,...

but have you been to|the Sit 'n Sleep lately?

Yuck. I'll just have to order|something from New York.

Whatever blows|your dress up, darlin'.

You go right ahead|and spend your money.

Oh, but, darlin'...

I thought you said we should|think of it as...

our money.

Just a guess, but I'm thinking|the words "joint checking"...

are flashing in your head|right now.

How much did you take?

All of it.

Son of a b*tch!

You want a wife,|you got a wife.

And what are you doing|with all that cash?

Why don't you invest it?|Don't you know anything?!

I know if you don't get out|of this house right now...

Sign the papers, and|I'll give it all back.

Fine!|- Fine!

Give me the pen.

Hold on. What are you doing|with all that cash saved up?

And since when did you|quit the tire factory?

You're not doing anything|illegal, are you, Jake?!

Maybe I am. So what?

I don't ask you about|your boyfriend,...

you keep your nose|out of my life... deal?

Who told you?

Honey, just 'cause I talk slow|doesn't mean I'm stupid.

Look, Jake...

Nobody finds their soul mate|when they're 10 years old.

Yeah, I guess.

I mean, where's|the fun in that, right?

I can't believe you kept|this thing all these years.

Most people don't know that|lightning does that to sand.

Oh, hey, Mel,|you know what?

I just remembered|I got myself a hot date.

You don't mind if I have|my lawyer take a look at these.

What?!

Hell, I'm just a|simple country boy.

There's words in there|I can't even pronounce.

You might be takin' me to|the cleaners for all I know.

The cleaners? You?

Say, what did this set|you back, anyhow?

More than you make in a month.

Just sign the damn papers!

But...|thanks for stoppin' by.

Oh! God.

I love you, I love you,|I love you.

Are you sitting down?|- Why? Bad news?

Just picked up the "New York"|magazine, and I quote,

"That cool breath|of fresh air...

"blowing through the tents|at Fashion Week...

"was the soon-to-be household|name of Melanie Carmichael.

Fashion insiders have labeled|her 'the next big one."'

Oh, my God, "the next big one"?

Oh, God, honey, I needed that|almost as much as I need you.

What is that noise?

The sound of my past.

Have fun.

Okay, bye.

Batten down the hatches, boys!

Trouble done just walked|back into my life,...

disguised as my favorite|daughter-in-law!

Honey, drive that pretty face|over here and give me a hug!

Soon-to-be ex-daughter-in-law.

Who's the lucky guy?

His name is Andrew.

He's in politics.

Well, you got my vote.

Good to see you, baby girl.

Hey, you give this lady|whatever she wants.

I'll catch up with you later.|- All right.

I'll have a Gray Goose martini,|two olives, dirty. Thanks.

Oh... my... God!

Melanie?!|- Lurlynn?

Yes! Oh, my God!

Look at you, all fancy.

You look like you just|stepped out of a magazine.

Oh, well, thank you.|Um, look at you.

You have a baby...

in a bar.

Hell, I got three|more at home.

This one's still on the tit,|so I can cart him anywhere.

Right.

I almost bought that exact same|top the other day.

But Clinton'd kill me if I spent|30 bucks on a sweater thing.

That Jaclyn Smith|knows what she's doin'.

Actually, it's mine.

Bergdorf's just picked it up.

I design clothes now.

Oh, mmm, now that|you mention it,...

I'm... I'm pretty sure|I heard that.

So, do you know Jaclyn Smith?

Mind if I join you?

Actually, we do.

You must be Jake's hot date.

I'm Starr.

Hi, I'm Melanie, Jake's|snotty Yankee-b*tch wife,...

whom he refuses to divorce, even|though I'm engaged to another man.

Hot dog, Jake, look at|the size of that thing.

Honey?

Why don't you get us|a couple drinks, all right?

Is that a martini?

Not "me and her" us.|"You and I" us.

Why do you make me|be mean to you?

Is that what you want...

to be humiliated in front|of all of your friends?

Oh, come on, Mel,|we were your friends, too.

Well, looky, looky there!

If it isn't the two|groomsmen of the apocalypse.

Hey, Eldon!|- Yep?

Are you hungry?!

Starved!

No, no, no!|No, don't you dare!

I could use a Melanie sandwich!

Just seems like old times,|doesn't it?

Get off me!

No, not like old times, all right?

Times have changed.

No more Melanie sandwich,|no more Melanie taco,...

and no more Melanie|corn dog, all right?

Sure... sorry.|- Just playin' with you.

Come on, guys,|just grab a stick.

Let's play some pool, all right?

And if you can't find a cue, just|pull the one shoved up her ass.

Eldon, you're still wearing|that same old stupid hat.

Well, I... just about|got it broken in.

Now, you sit your|bony ass down there...

and watch and see me teach Jake|here, how to lose at pool.

Well, see, that's the thing.

I'm not really a watch-and-see|kind of girl...

am I, Jake?

Come on, now,|Bobby Ray, you got it.

Don't blow this one, okay?

All right, baby?

You can take the girl|out of the honky-tonk,...

but you can't take the|honky-tonk out of the girl.

So, Jake... are you going to|divorce this girl or what?

Well, she waited 7 years.

A couple more days|won't kill her...

unfortunately.

Like it's gonna|make a difference.

You never know.

You might be interested to learn|Jake has this whole...

Hey, hey, let her think|whatever she wants, Clinton.

She made up her mind|about me a long time ago.

Some things never change.

Like Eldon here!

He never could get|his balls in the right pocket.

Okay, Jake,|it's you and Mel.

Clutch time, man.

It's just like state playoffs.

We're down by 6,|7 seconds to go.

We need that big, beautiful|52-yard bomb!

Do you remember that, Mel?|- How could I forget?

That was the night|Jake got me pregnant.

Why don't you just go|public with that sh*t?

Oh, come on.

It's not like anybody can|keep a secret around here...

except for Bobby Ray.

Now, what did I|ever do to you?

You never did anything|to me, darlin'...

or any other girl in town.

Melanie, what is|the matter with you?

What do you mean?|- Oh, she's just unhappy.

Well, of course,|I would be, too,...

if "Women's Wear Daily"|called me "less than mediocre."

Why don't you just|go to a gay bar?!

Now, what would|"B" Ray do at a gay bar?

I think I had about|enough fun for one night.

Oh, come on,|I was just kidding.

Hey, Stella!

How 'bout another round of|drinks for my friends here?

Honey, I think you've|had about enough.

You know what?

I think you're right.

I have had enough.

I mean, how do you people live|like this, anyway?

All right, that's it,|that's it. Come on.

Did you know that there's|a great, big world out there?

It has absolutely nothin' to do with|chitlins or children or beer!

I liked her better|when she was crazy.

What makes you think|you can treat them...

like somethin' you stepped in|in them fancy shoes, huh?!

You asked for it!|- I asked for it?!

You show up here,|you steal my money,...

you rearrange my house, and|then you insult my friends,...

actin' like you're|better than 'em!

I am better than them!

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