Swing State Page #9

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Yeah, you know what you did.

-What is this?

-Ethan.

Come on, if you have anything

to say for yourself, now

is your opportunity. Go.

Okay, listen I will talk

to you off camera, but you

will have to get rid

off the paparazzi.

Listen, I am not paparazzi.

I am a cinematographer,

you fascista.

-That's right.

Ethan you are going to be

exposed, okay.

I mean, I don't even know

who you are anymore.

I don't think you ever

knew who I was.

Really? Well, guess what

I am not interested anymore.

-Oh, you are not?

-But Bob Bernard is.

Can I have my

guitar back, please?

And when Julia finds out,

her little heart

is gonna be crushed.

Where you going?

-I'm leaving.

-Oh, yeah.

-Get out of here.

-Leaving?

Whoo! Well, sh*t that was

the best sound it ever made.

Bye.

Hey, I gotta talk to you

about something.

Okay, you are gonna come

to election night, right?

I mean, win or lose

I'd really like it

if you could be there.

-Yes, I definitely wanna go.

-Okay.

[grunts]

Liar.

Oh, my God.

That's Mr. Fleischman's

first word since the stroke.

Tom, I'm so sorry Buddy.

Are you okay?

Do you know him?

Well, I think he's gone

back to sleep.

You are working

with Tom Fleischman?

Well, yeah, what do you mean?

Okay, come on I work

in a hospital, I give

everyone equal care.

There's something I really

got to talk to you about,

okay?

Do you remember the radio

station I was helping out with?

The other radio station?

Yeah.

It was Tom Fleischman's

show. And,

When he couldn't fill in,

I stepped in and I

covered for him.

So what?

-I'm Charles Fern.

-Okay, that's not funny.

No, I'm Charles Fern, listen.

Good morning, Washingtonians,

I'm your humble guest host,

Charles Fern.

It's me, Julia.

Okay, wait, so your telling

me that your the person

who has been attacking

my mother?

Sort of...

I just...

-It was all a joke.

-It was not funny.

All channel offered me

all this money.

I honestly don't know

what I am supposed

to say to you right now.

I can't forgive you for this.

Okay, look it's fine if you

don't want my

mother to be governor,

but, to malign her in such

a way in a ridiculous

costume...

Listen I didn't mean

to hurt anyone.

Okay you know what, that is just

what every hypocrite says,

and you did hurt somebody.

I completely misjudged you.

I thought you were someone

who had, I don't know...

-Integrity?

-Yes. It's time

for you to leave.

-Can you just give me

another chance?

-It's too late.

Please.

-What are you doing?

-Can I get security to

604 please?

Get off of me,

I have feet you know.

Tell me what I can

do and I'll do it all right?

Don't make this worse, man,

come on, have some dignity.

Can you please move along?

Julia, I love you okay,

there I said it.

Now you might not see me

for the rest of my life.

But, I still love you and I'll

always love you. That might be

a cliche but, it's true.

Oh, man, I think you

just shoot me.

Put the camera over there

and you just shoot me.

Like where? Like in the head?

Well, I don't know.

I think maybe in this area.

We can't shoot it in here

because like...

-You'll know that I shot you.

-You'll be out of the frame.

Then we shoot Charles Fern.

Why don't we go somewhere

and shoot?

Yes, you would do that.

Hey, hey, don't f*** around.

What the hell?

Rouge, we're not f***ing

around, all right?

Charles Fern must die.

You ain't gonna

kill him with a BB gun.

Well, we tried to think of

things man, but Adrienne...

She's onto me man.

She's got the photo composites.

We deny it.

And then we deny it again,

and then we deny it again.

Yeah but she's got me on tape

and then Ann Alcott thinks

I'm gay.

-She does?

-Yeah.

Gay is okay,

we can work with gay.

[doorbell ringing]

-Dude, did you invite someone

over?

-No.

It's your crazy ex girlfriend

again.

Go hide in the bathroom.

Oh, oh, oh...

Thank you.

Wow.

This is really...

Boy, oh, boy, I always knew

that there was something

different about you.

That's probably

the Maine thing.

The Maine thing.

And the main thing

is honesty.

Really, thank you,

that's wonderful.

Oh, Ryan that's really...

Ann told me everything.

She told you everything...

You're...

-Oh yeah, right well you are

a married man.

-So are you.

Well, I'm married to a man so...

Hey, Lucy is my best friend...

But, that's it.

I have never...

Oh, gosh.

Well, things are a little more

complicated than...

...than you think actually

Ryan, so...

Wait, wait, you and Rouge?

Yeah, I know.

Right well, the cat's out

of the bag now.

Wow.

Does Neil know?

Oh, of course, cause

he was our best man.

And the maid of honor.

Rouge, please accept my

sincerest apology.

I wouldn't have tried anything

if I knew you and Charles...

No, no Rouge and I yes,

if we weren't happily

married...

You'd be a perfect really

good catch. You'd be a catch.

You know Ryan,

thank you so much

for coming by.

It's really been delightful.

Yup this way is the door.

That way is the door.

Just get a good cab home.

Take off your glasses.

Here comes the cool part.

[grunting]

Ah!

Oh!

Ow!

Oh! Ow!

[grunts]

You okay?

Rouge, you all right?

I'm all right.

Give me my f***ing phone.

You got a little

blood on your hand.

Get outta here.

Sure buddy.

Rouge, thanks.

Yeah, hey we have an

emergency.

I was hunting and we

got attacked by

a grizzly bear.

[indistinct chatter]

Hello?

Holy sh*t!

Okay...

Charles...

Saw a little bear cub.

A baby bear cub.

Stuck under

a small boulder and...

Well, he went to help

the little fella and...

Out of nowhere this...

The bear came...

Must have been the mama.

Grizzly bear.

Jeez, Rouge you know better

than to hunt cascades

this time of the year?

I know, but, Charles he twisted

my arm, he was an avid hunter,

it was so dumb.

And the grizzly had him

by the neck you say?

Yes.

I fear the worst.

[phone ringing]

Teared him off like

a cat crazy kitten.

I fear the worst.

Oh, really?

All right, well

keep searching through

the night.

Well, they found some glasses

on the ground.

Polka dotted bow tie.

I'm sorry.

[snorts]

Okay, okay, it's fine.

Hey, hey, hey.

It's okay.

And the most ludicrous

item of the week comes

to us from the

leftist documentarian,

Adrienne Lockhart.

Last week she claimed that

the recently deceased

radio commentator

Charles Fern who died

nobly trying to save a bear cub

was actually her ex-boyfriend.

This after claims that

Charles Fern was famed

Mexican drug runner,

Charles Fernando.

So what is she basing her

most recent claim on?

A grainy photo she matched

using computer enhancements.

This one wouldn't pass

the Dan Rather smell test.

-Come on.

-Libelous, perhaps.

Ludicrous...

Without question.

Thanks very much everyone.

I am Bob Bernard.

That's all from me for today.

That's it?

That's it?

That's all for you today.

Jesus.

Well, it's virtual time.

95 percent of the precincts

are in and yet no one can get

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