Sydney White Page #4

but you will never be a Kappa.

You know what?

Thank you.

Because if this is what sisterhood's all about,

then I don't want any part of it.

I want that dress back.

Take it!

(all gasp)

(thunderclaps)

I will see your Cobra Commander,

and I will raise you a mint, unopened,

power of the Force,

Return of the Jedi Luke Skywalker in...

battle poncho.

Wow.

We fold.

Which is better?

Three A's or two of the cards with the ladies on them?

You dope.

What?

If you have both, it's a full house.

How is it you always win at cards, but you can't make

it from Junior Tiger Guide to Tiger Guide?

It's one badge, OK?

It's one badge.

Knots are hard.

Does anyone know another word for

"douchebaggery"? I don't want to use it a third time.

Gurkin, no one reads

your whiny blog anyway.

Peoplespunisher.com is not about being read.

It's about being written.

(electric crackling)

Good morning, Embele.

(laughs, speaks African language)

Where do you think he goes?

(rainfall)

Outside, a lady waits.

She wears jean pants and looks very sad. (yawns)

There's a girl outside? Yes!

Am I looking good? Yes.

(yawns)

(gasps)

Oh, it's the bathroom babe!

I'm gonna go work the Spanky magic.

(sobs)

Ahem!

Sorry. You probably don't

want me sitting out here.

And I understand, especially you.

And you were right

about the whole Kappa thing.

I'll go.

Did they really make you

sing Cline Dion?

Yeah.

Do you need a place to stay?

Guys, this is Sydney.

Uh, she needs a place to stay.

She gave up her dorm room

to pledge Kappa.

Sydney, these are the guys.

Gurkin.

Terrence.

George.

Jeremy.

Don't forget me.

Oh, of course. Skoozer.

(whispers) Jeremy's shy.

He had several therapists as a kid.

One of them recommended a puppet.

He never stopped using it.

You'll get used to Skoozer.

Yeah, it's OK.

As long as he doesn't

hump my bunny slippers.

No promises.

(laughs)

(barks)

(small explosion)

Uh... Ah.

That's Embelackpo Akimbatunde.

We just call him Embele.

He's from Nigeria

and hasn't adjusted to the time change.

His days and nights

are actually reversed.

Jet lag, huh?

When did he get here?

Three years ago.

Thank you.

Of course!

I have to invert the ratio.

Come on, Bilbo.

And what exactly is he doing?

We have no idea.

Welcome to the Vortex.

(coughs)

(boy) Sydney?

Oh, hi. Come in.

Hi. Uh...

I'm sorry. I know it can be a little spooky up here

at night, so I brought you this.

That night light has gotten me

through some pretty tough times.

Oh.

Thanks, that's really sweet.

Hey, is that Dark Fury number four?

Yeah.

The one with the first appearance of...

(both) The Emerald Mask.

You know, you may be

more Vortex than Kappa after all.

So, uh, are you all set?

Do you need anything?

A hypoallergenic pillow?

Humidifier? Dehumidifier? Ionizer?

Nope. I think I'm all good

on the medical-supply front.

Are you sure?

There's a lot of dust.

I've actually got loads of allergy medicine.

You? Allergies?

I never would've guessed.

Just the usual -

dairy, wheat, peanuts.

Bee stings, cats...

Wow, that's a lot of...

Pollen, wood...

A few others.

Uh, but it's getting late. You're probably tired.

Well, yeah.

Public humiliation can be pretty tiring.

Yeah, I know.

Oh, um, I don't know

if you need any sort of special...

lady products.

No, no.

I'm good. Thanks, though.

Thanks for everything, Lenny.

Hey. (chuckles)

I don't know if you, uh...

need to do anything...

Spanky, go.

(groans)

Sorry about that. Um...

Let me know if he bothers you.

Spanky's kind of... Well, he really likes girls,

but he doesn't know many.

But he keeps himself happy.

You may find this hard to believe, but, um, most of

the guys here don't have a lot of experience with girls.

(# "Also Sprach Zarathustra" by Richard Strauss)

Dudes... that thing has touched b*obs.

Of course.

The sturdy, breathable fabric

is designed to maintain mammary elasticity.

Shut up, Terrence!

You're ruining the moment for me.

(phone rings)

Hello.

Oh, hey, Dad. Did I wake you?

What? Are you kidding?

How was the big dance?

That's actually why I was calling.

Well, come on.

I've been waiting up to hear. Tell me all about it.

It was great.

Yeah, it's all very exciting.

Sydney, I'm sure that your mom is right there

taking it all in with you.

I know.

(sighs) That's what I keep thinking.

Good night, sweetie.

Night, Dad.

Oh!

Um... this place is a deathtrap.

How about some repairs?

Sydney, don't start.

You know why we can't

get any damn repairs?

I'll tell you why.

Campus wide systematic Greek oppression.

Read peoplespunisher.com if you wanna know more.

I did a whole series on it.

I don't know what needing repairs

has to do with the Greek system. It isn't Greek.

Precisely! That's the problem. Rachel Witchburn

and the Greeks run the student council.

The student council dictates

all budget appropriations.

Over the past 1 4 semesters,

has been devoted to the Greek system.

Are you kidding me?

I don't kid. (gurgling)

Ooh.

Won't be long now.

Why is everyone on this campus

willing to let Rachel Witchburn run their lives?

'Cause she... she's kind of...

scary.

Hey, Rachel!

Check it out.

The diet's working. I lost 5 pounds.

I think your ass found it.

(Tyler) Hey!

Hey! Sydney.

Sydney.

Hi.

Listen, about last night...

Last night?

Hm, wait, let me think.

Oh, yeah!

When your girlfriend humiliated me.

Good times.

Trust me, Rachel's not my girlfriend.

And not everyone in Greek Row

is like her.

Give me a chance to prove that to you.

(girl) Run for student council!

You know, I'm actually kinda busy...

juggling seven guys at the moment.

So...

Whoa.

I gotta go.

Hey, can I have a sign-up sheet?

Yeah.

Actually, can I have seven?

Oh!

Don't worry, ladies.

We won't have to deal with the public once

the Vortex is torn down and my Greek Center's built.

(cellphone beeps)

Oh.

Is it four o'clock already?

Loser, loser,

Kappa, Kappa,

Kappa, lose...

What?!

This isn't happening.

Wow. I guess her little

striptease act got some attention.

(hyperventilates)

(Christy) Rachel? Rachel.

Use your soothing words.

Prada, Gucci,

Chanel...

Sydney, Sydney, Sydney!

Ugh!

Whoa!

(Lenny) Hey.

Hey, guys.

There you go.

I've found a way for you

to get the Vortex repaired.

We're signing you up

to run for student council, all seven of you.

(all laugh)

Very funny, Sydney.

Next you'll tell us Admiral Adama's a Cylon.

I have no idea what you just said.

But I'm serious.

You'll all run on a ticket

and you'll take over the entire student council.

No non-Greek has won

a student-council office since 1992.

And look where that's gotten us.

Ow.

Yes, George, ow.

We've taken enough of their abuse.

I'll be your campaign manager

and I'll be with you every step of the way.

I am in.

Good. Who else is with me?

Come on, guys.

Do you really wanna spend the rest of college locked

up in this crap hole, disenfranchised and powerless?

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