Table For Three Page #2

Calm down.

Tat's the most ridiculous thing

I have ever heard. That's awesome.

I'm gonna use that one

the next time I'm late.

Are you accusing me of lying?

No. That's what's perfect about it.

You couldn't make that up.

You'd be surprised.

I am the master of excuses.

All right, what's

your best one?

My best one?

Dude, it would dazzle you

and I don't think

you could handle it.

I've got an idea.

How about we have a date,

Saturday night, 8:00, here?

You come at 9:
30

and dazzle me.

- This guy's got game.

- Yeah.

Uh, do we know this guy?

Leslie, these are my friends

from UCLA, Ryan and Mary.

- Friends? Really?

- Stop it, please.

Hi. And this is

our roommate Scott.

He is a good man.

Vouchers. I like vouchers,

but I gotta say no, because I'm not into

the one-on-one thing with a stranger.

Okay. Well, we'll all go,

all six of us.

- Right? Saturday.

- We're busy.

- Honey.

- No, we are.

We have that thing

with Phil and Barbara Griffin.

We could go.

- Yeah.

- Huh?

Yeah, sure.

Chaperones.

Are we on?

Uh, nnnnn... okay.

Why not?

But we're late

because of the bees,

- so...

- Bye.

Good. No chance for me

to say anything stupid.

I'll see you on Saturday...

- Oh, Leslie Green.

- Leslie.

- Scott Teller.

- Scott Teller.

- See you Saturday.

- See you Saturday.

- Bye.

- Bye.

See ya Saturday.

Scotty Scott Scotterton

over here! Scotterino!

Way to get back

in the saddle, partner!

- I'll say. Giddyup, huh?

- Huh?

Did you see that?

Who's got two thumbs

and is impressed?

- This guy.

- Yeah.

- You've been a bad girl.

- That'll work.

- That'll work.

- Yeah.

Oh! Aha!

The whisk.

You gonna take me

downtown, Officer?

- I'm taking you all the way down!

- Yeah!

There was a farmer

who tapped that ass...

...and Ryan was his name... oh!

# I'm gonna take you take you home. #

- Unh!

- Nice!

- Harmonies. What?

- Unh!

- Scott. Scotty!

- Huh?

- Nervous, buddy?

- Flutterbies?

- Mmm?

- Mmm?

Um, yeah, a little bit, I guess.

- I'd be nervous.

- I'd be going apeshit.

I'm talking f***ing apeshit!

Yeah.

- Hi.

- Hey.

- Hey.

- Hi.

Hey! How are you?

- Flaming Gorilla Nipple?

- Uh, no, that's okay.

I see you guys

started without me.

Well, it was 5:
00

somewhere, right?

I don't even drink anymore.

Of course I don't

drink any less, either.

Hiyo! What are you drinking?

Probably just a glass of red wine.

- Mmm.

- Ooh.

Scotty Dog is not much

of a wine drinker.

- The tannins give him headaches.

- He's more of a beer guy.

Thanks, guys.

I can speak for myself.

Of course you can!

If there's anything

Scott can do,

it's talk... a lot.

Like, yap yap yap yap.

He is a regular little chatterbox.

Like a chihuahua.

Show her!

Yeah, come on,

say something, hotshot.

Oh!

Watch this!

This will be good.

Here it comes.

Really?

How have you been?

- Brilliant!

- The man should be a writer.

Hemingway

over here, right?

Guys, really, I...

- So how have you been, Les?

- Mmm.

Oh. Uh, I've been good.

Can't say I love being called Les.

- Oh! Hmm!

- I know what you're saying there.

I can't stand it when

people call me Mare.

- Yes.

- It's like, what am I?

- Right.

- Am I a horse?

- No.

- Am I some kind of horse,

- like a pony?

- Or like some kind of

mare or something,

you know?

Guys, I don't think this whole

double-date thing is working out.

We're gonna get going.

- What?

- Why?

You guys are shitfaced.

How dare you?

That is silly.

I am sober as a f***ing judge!

I think it's fine.

They're just a little drunk.

We've all been there.

- Oh, thank you.

- Thank you.

Oh!

Oh, God! You know what

we gotta do?

- Say it.

- Mexican food.

- Unh!

- That does sound good!

We have to go get Mexican food.

It's so good.

- I don't know, guys...

- We should do it.

- Shall we vamanos?

- Yes!

- Si, senorita.

- Vamanos.

I know the best spot.

We could take a taxi.

- Yes.

- And that way

we'll get f***ing hammered.

- So fu...

- king...

hammered! Oh!

I love the sound of this.

Oh, boy.

Somebody get this guy

a f***ing drink.

- You should sleep with him.

- Sleep with him.

- He's awesome.

- Yeah!

They crack me up.

Everybody in the

bar have sex tonight.

Ryan, what do you do?

Mary and I are in contract law.

- We're both paralegals.

- Hmm.

But we'll probably be going back

to law school soon.

Oh? What school

do you want to go to?

Wait a minute.

Diddling?

Yeah, diddling.

- You know, with...

- I know what it means.

- I can't believe you just sat there.

- I didn't!

Well, Stanford's the dream,

but it's pretty expensive.

I know. F*** yeah.

You okay, Mary?

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

- Stop it.

- Stop what?

Driver, turn left here.

It's quicker.

And you didn't say anything?

What was I supposed to do,

let Leslie know that a fingerbanging was

happening a foot and a half behind her?

That's not first-date material, bro.

I mean, come on.

I'm sorry. Please continue.

So have you guys

ever thought about

one of you going to school

while the other one works?

Uh-huh.

What, you mean like one of us go

and the other one stay?

- Mmm.

- Yeah, you know, take turns.

Yes! Yes!

Definitely!

Well, it sounds like

Mary likes the idea.

Mm-hmm.

Oh! Wow!

They're really drunk,

aren't they?

Yeah.

Uh, she's a little, uh...

tired, so I think we're just gonna

go home and hit the sackaroo.

You guys are cool

to get home, right?

Safely? Safely? Safely?

Yeah, we can do that.

Okay.

I will check you later, bro.

Let's go home.

- Hasta lasagna!

- Bye now!

That was weird.

You have no idea.

So, the three of you

spend a lot of time together?

Um, yeah.

I mean, we have.

Maybe that's a little strange.

Mmm. I get it. I've been the

third wheel with Ted and Nerissa

way more times

than I want to admit.

Well, tonight notwithstanding,

Ryan and Mary are good people.

Very perky, maybe

a little too perfect,

if you know what I mean.

Well, the way Ted explains it,

they might as well be the Antichrist.

- What?

- Oh, don't take Ted seriously.

He is a cynic with

a flair for the dramatic.

Nerissa says they're good people,

and that's good enough for me.

Well, next time we go out,

it's just the two of us.

Oh, so there's gonna be

a next time, huh?

Yeah. You can't let

tonight be the end of it.

I mean, this has

just been ridiculous.

What are you

doing tomorrow?

Something with you, I hope.

Wow, you really play

hard to get, don't you?

Okay, well, in that case,

you should come by

at 6:
00.

I'm there.

Cool.

What?

Nothing. I just...

I just realized I probably

should have waited

till the end of the date

to ask you on a second date,

'cause now there's no buildup,

there's no tension,

there's no mystery.

How great is that?

Wow!

- Hey!

- Scott!

Hi. We are so so

so sorry about last night.

Yeah, we were

way over the line.

I don't know what happens

to me when I drink.

- I just get so H-O-R-N-Y.

- Yeah,

and I am a total man-whore

after four cocktails.

We practice hot monogamy.

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