Table For Three Page #7

but you know,

their hearts were

in the right place.

Have you heard a word

that I have said?

Have you?

"Have you"!

Oh!

Oh, golly,

did we wake you?

Yeah, what lousy friends

we must be.

Of course, you know all about

being a lousy friend, huh, Scott?

Me?

After everything we've been through...

the good times

We helped you rebound, man.

We were just trying to help you like

we promised you we would

and you treated us

like... like we are a couple of raging

lunatics or something.

I'm sorry.

Just put your keys

on the counter.

Both of them.

We only had the one.

Of course.

Why would you need two?

You probably share a toothbrush.

You'll be happy to know we'll

be packed out by tonight.

- Super.

- You'll never hear from us again.

"We will not..."

I want you to sign this contract.

You said that I will not

hear from you again.

I want to make it official.

There, prick.

Thanks, b*tch.

- Choke on it, ass.

- Shhh!

We have a contract.

Ryan?

It is a tragedy

that we can't talk to Scott

'cause we can't tell him

where Leslie's going.

That is a shame.

I heard that she's leaving L.A.

- I heard the same thing.

- What?

Oh!

No no, there's something that

you two know and you're not telling me.

Fine!

Now tell me.

We overheard Leslie

talking to some friends at the wedding

- after you left.

- You stayed after I left?

- Duh.

- Open bar, dude.

Come on.

She said she needed to

get out of L.A.

And she decided...

to go work with her sister.

- Where?

- If we tell you,

you have to promise

to forgive us, huh?

Fine, I forgive you.

You're forgiven.

- Now tell me.

- Not so fast.

I got it.

By signing here,

you acknowledge that we have acted

entirely in your best interest.

Fine. Fine.

I'm willing to buy that for now.

And that we really do care

about you as a friend.

Okay, yes. Whatever.

And if you go after Leslie,

we get to come with you.

No no no!

No way. Nah!

Dude, your piece-of-sh*t car

will never make it. You need us.

And company.

No one likes to travel alone.

- Huh?

- I can rent a car.

And trust me, traveling alone

really beats the alternative.

Hmm.

Suit yourself.

It just would have been such

a great opportunity

for Ryan and me

to explain to Leslie

that we caused all of this

and not you,

but, hey, we don't...

Seriously?

- Yeah.

- We want out of this friendship.

That means no loose ends;

no unfinished business.

- We seek closure, nothing more.

- Nothing more.

Huh?

Okay, we'll go together.

Just whatever...

whatever it takes.

Just tell me where she is.

Okay, I'm gonna need you to sign here

and initial here and here and here.

That one too.

- Good eye.

- Thank you.

You guys are sick.

Okay. Now...

tell me where she is.

She went to work for

her sister's theater in Oregon.

Okay, where in Oregon?

You're gonna find out

when we get there.

- Wiki-wiki road trip!

- Yeah!

Blau!

# The love we have #

# Will never fade away #

# If ever two hearts were

meant to be #

# Forever in love #

# It's you and me #

# Every Ionely heart #

# Every Ionely moment #

# Feels like eternity #

# Ah oooh #

- # The life we... #

- Oh oh oh.

- You're tailgating.

- I'm not, sweetheart.

Please back up, dear.

Damn it, woman,

I know what I'm doing, shrew.

- Assrod.

- Harpie.

- Nancy boy.

- Slut.

- Fartknocker.

- Whore!

Fuckstick!

I f***ing love

this fighting sh*t.

- I do too. It's amazing!

- Ahh!

Scott, what's the plan

with Leslie?

I don't really have a plan;

I'm just gonna play it by ear.

Scotty, you gotta

have a game plan.

We made a plan a long time ago;

we've stuck to it.

How do you think we've been

together all these years, huh?

Just because you've done

something for a long time

doesn't mean you're doing it well.

Yeah, look at the Clippers.

Hi-yo! Ha ha!

- Burn, right?

- Watch it, laughing boy.

I was talking about the Clippers.

I wasn't talking about us. Jesus Christ.

Ryan, pull off here.

Let's stay for the night.

Dude, we're, like,

not even halfway there.

If we stop now, it's gonna take us

two days to get there.

I know.

I've got a plan.

Ho ho, you've got

a plan now. Okay.

- All right, Mr. Plan.

- Okay.

- Room service.

- Land shark!

Ow! We were thinking

since we're on vacation,

maybe we should get

a little drinky-poo!

I'll go, but only with Ryan.

- What?

- Huh?

I want to go out for a beer,

but just us guys.

Well, do I smell funny

or something?

Tonight I'll go out with Ryan;

tomorrow I'll go out with Mary...

alone.

Why?

Because couples do things

separately.

Well, did you ever think

that maybe we just enjoy each other's

company more than most couples?

Most couples spend a good

percentage of any relationship

sick of each other's face.

That's just part of

being in love.

Ha! Ha, hmm.

That is not a part

that I'm interested in...

but I do want that drink.

You...

Well, what do I do?

# I got a stripper pole

in my bedroom #

# And I like the way

you drop it low #

# What you tryin' to do,

shorty? #

# Oh, I can tell that

you're down for whatever #

# If you think that

you can handle me #

# I'm trying... #

I never really took you

for a stripper type.

Oh, no, I've never been

to a strip club before.

Oh, 11.

You've only seen

I mean, you know, in real life.

I've seen more on, you know, TV

and magazines.

Internet... ho!

Oh... 13.

- Two.

- Why is this an odd number?

I saw one of my grandma's

when I was a kid.

I wish I hadn't asked.

Nana; Mary, naturally;

uh, Wendy Harper; Tracy Price;

Theresa What's-her-name;

and, uh...

and these strippers, yeah.

Even number! Boom.

And these other girls were, what?

Exes?

No. No, Mary's the only girl

I've ever dated.

Uh, they were girls Mary and I

had three-ways with.

- You've had three three-ways?

- Seven.

Seven?

The other four were with...

I should have known.

Oh, thank God you're here!

Oh, I see you're already out looking

for a better offer, you motherf***er!

- Mary, come on.

- Son of a b*tch! A**hole!

Look, Ryan's not scamming.

And trust me, this is not the kind of

place one goes to for a better offer.

I turn my back for one second

and you are out philandering

with strippers?

- I am not a prude, Ryan.

- Yeah, no sh*t.

Excuse me, Scott, but this...

this is beyond

the pale, okay?

Simply beyond the pale!

Mary, look, okay?

I don't know how you got here,

but you have to leave. You have to

show Ryan that you trust him.

Well, how can I trust him

- when he's sporting a chubby?

- Okay.

Mary, come on!

Come on what?

You want me to act like it's no big deal

that my man's at half-mast?

- It is a big deal.

- We're just having some guy time.

All right?

He'll keep it in his pants.

Uh-huh.

- I promise.

- And if it's any consolation,

as you can see, I am

completely flaccid now.

We all are, Ryan.

We all are.

Don't wait up for us, Ryan.

I was...

I couldn't find the...

I was just trying to...

If you guys see

my gym-membership card,

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