Table For Three Page #6

- Good night, roommates.

I'm so sorry that happened.

No, I'm sorry.

I said something to Nerissa

and she must have said

something to Mary

without realizing it was...

whatever it was.

I'll talk to them

tomorrow morning.

Oh, that's it, Farmer Jack.

Oh, sh*t.

Just wait.

- Oh!

- We'll miss the fall!

- Mmm!

- Ahh!

- Ryan? Hey hey, Ryan!

- Ahhh!

Mary, listen to me.

Okay, tonight,

I beg you, while Leslie's here,

could you please not...

- Please...

- Please don't.

- Sounds like... how many syllables?

- Is it bigger than a breadbox?

Please don't have sex

while Leslie is here.

- What?

- Why not?

Because the sound...

the noise that you two make,

it's... it's insane,

both in the volume

and the graphicness.

Scott,

have you been listening to us

have sex?

Shh! No, I haven't been listening.

I can just hear it.

How many times, Scott?

Every.

All right? I turn my music up,

but I can still hear it.

This is creepy.

If we had known

that you were eavesdropping

on our sex...

I know what you're trying to do.

You're trying to break me and Lisa up...

- Leslie!

- Hard name.

- It is.

- It is, yeah.

We are not trying to

break you up, Scotty.

We are just trying to

slow you down.

Like we said we would, pal.

No rushing, remember? Huh?

- That deal is off.

- God damn it, Scott!

No one wants to see it

work out between you and Leslie

more than Ryan and I, but you are

screwing everything up.

What... what am I screwing up?

You asked her to move in with you

after two dates.

- Two!

- Come on, man.

Couldn't scare her away any faster

if you told her you were

a Nazi sympathizer who's into

fondling puppy balls!

- Or a chronic masturbator.

- You know, with a Scott fetish.

- Into she-males!

- Furries!

- Bukaki.

- Tentacle porn.

Ahhh!

Ooh!

It was

for your own good.

This is for my own good.

Ahhh!

- I got you. Just get...

- Eat less cake, b*tch!

How dare you, sir?

- Oh, I got you.

- No, no!

Don't let him go!

Ahh!

I got him!

- Scott!

- Ahh! Bad!

- Oh, sh*t.

- Ha ha!

Oh, God,

this was fun.

Oh, it is never

a dull moment here.

- Let me tell you.

- I'll admit

that this probably looks

kinda bad...

Yeah, but you know,

just playing.

- Tomfoolery.

- Shenanigans.

- Rough-housing.

- Little, uh...

no big biggie.

You know, you want some cake?

No, thanks.

I'm gonna go.

It was great

to see you, Leslie.

- See you soon, roomie.

- Can I drive you home?

That's okay.

I know this looks insane,

but it's like they said, you know?

- Just playing around.

- Mmm! Ahhh!

- You're delicious.

- No, you're delicious.

We're still on for

the wedding next week, right?

- You're like a cupcake!

- I don't know.

Listen, Leslie, this is not me.

Okay? None of this is.

Just please give me one more chance

without anybody else around,

- just me.

- We're still on for the wedding.

I'll see you at the wedding.

You want

to hang out before?

Let's just stick with the wedding.

I mean, you've got this thing

going on with your roommates that

you need to work out.

I know, I will. Promise.

- Okay.

- Okay.

Bye.

Come on! Yeah!

- Harder!

- Get there, get there, get there!

- Oh! Hi!

- Hey!

Great party, isn't it?

Huh? Ha ha!

You two are sick.

I want you out of this apartment.

I want you out of my life!

- Really?

- We love you!

I didn't see them at all

that last week.

I assumed they'd just

gone away for good.

Well, did they?

Does herpes?

No.

What the f***

are you doing here?

Who invited that guy?

Who says "f***" in church?

It's fine.

Try not to worry about it.

Okay.

- Yeah, go.

- I'm...

- Okay. Sorry.

- It's fine.

It's fine, right?

Well, that was

a beautiful service. Ha ha.

Aside from your little outburst,

yeah, it was lovely.

Yeah, I'm sorry about that.

I just couldn't believe they had

the gall to show up here.

- Who?

- Ryan and Mary.

I did the guest list with Nerissa.

Ryan and Mary weren't invited.

Yeah, like that would stop them.

Where the hell did they go anyway?

- Who?

- Ryan and Mary.

Okay, I have to

do photographs.

Just stay here and try to be...

sane-ish.

# I can't wait... #

Aha!

What are you two doing here?

Making out.

What does it look like we're doing?

Weddings make me

so horny.

Of course! Everything makes you horny.

Toaster ovens make you horny.

You were not invited.

That is never gonna stop us from

helping out our good buddy.

Friendship does not wait for

an invitation, mister.

And besides,

we have a contract.

This contract...

is null and void,

same as our friendship.

- Unappreciative a**hole!

- Yeah.

Scott, what are you doing?

Leslie, I didn't bring this gift

but it has my name on it.

Why would that be?

You see, Ryan and Mary

placed this gift

with my name on it

to set me up to

make me look bad.

How does the gift

make you look bad?

See, it's not a gift.

It's a trap. It's probably a box

of tainted pork

or dogshit or angry bees.

- I have to get rid of it.

- Are you completely insane?

- No, I...

- Young man,

any reason you're absconding

with the gift I brought?

I... I'm sorry, but this

isn't your gift.

I assure you, it is.

- Scott?

- Now look, you bizarre human being...

- Okay, Scott, you're making a scene.

- This package contains

- a ridiculously expensive...

- Just give him the gift.

- Give him the gift. Give him the gift!

- It's Leslie Green's date.

- I remember placing it on that table...

- Why's he picking on Dr. Cooper?

- An hour ago!

If you don't believe me,

make a complete ass of yourself

and open it!

Oh, we're way beyond

the complete-ass situation.

- Leslie!

- Oh!

Oh my God.

What the f***?

Oh!

Leslie, come on.

Look, this isn't me, okay?

- The... I'm not usually like this.

- What are you usually like?

Normal, I swear.

This is Ryan and Mary, okay?

- They're trying to keep us apart.

- Why would they want to do that?

Because they need me.

They need a third wheel

to keep sane.

That's why they keep trying

to scare you off,

so they can have me

all to themselves.

And how did you come up

with this incredible theory?

Actually, Ted said it.

You're going to take anything

Ted says seriously?

But it makes sense.

They say they're trying to keep me

from rushing into

anything with you, but...

But we were rushing.

I mean, the fact that we were even

considering moving in together

after a couple of nice dates...

that's rushing.

I mean, I was willing

to consider it

- because I...

- "Was"?

Why are you speaking in

the past tense like that?

Because I don't know you, Scott.

I don't know you at all.

- But it's Ryan and Mary...

- Scott.

Leslie won't return

my phone calls.

I haven't been back

to the apartment.

They're probably up there

waiting to strike again.

- Jackals!

- Well, they did kind of have a point.

- What point?

- About the rushing it with Lisa.

- Leslie!

- Ooh, sorry.

Maybe they really thought

they were doing the right thing.

I mean, sure, they're a little strange,

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