Table For Three Page #5

personal space and privacy are?

Is the idea of keeping your

pesky noses out of my business

so impossible for you

to fathom?

Good night, everybody.

Thank you for coming

but there's no party!

Good night.

Scott!

Scott?

Scott!

How could you do that

to Ryan and Mary?

They went to all this trouble

to throw a party for you and...

granted, I guess the people

they invited

aren't the coolest people on the planet,

but they seem really nice.

Can't you just be thankful

that you have such good friends?

Leslie,

you don't understand, okay?

There's something very very wrong

about Ryan and Mary.

What?

What did they do?

Well, they...

and...

It's hard to explain, okay?

But... they're freaks, all right?

Wow. Okay, well remind me never

to throw you a surprise party.

Leslie, wait, sorry.

Please...

I'm sorry.

Could you just wait?

Everyone?

I... I am... I'm sorry about all this.

Um, I hope you stay.

Please stay.

It'd mean a lot to me.

Um, I'll be honest:

I, uh, I...

I don't have any friends

right now in L.A.

So I didn't tell the few people

that I do know about my birthday

because I was afraid that I would

look like a complete loser...

um...

if I didn't have anybody

to celebrate with.

I, um,

I'm glad you're all here

and I hope you'll stay

and forgive me for

lashing out at you.

And let's have some fun.

DJ, drop it like it's hot.

# Die now, die #

# Die now, die #

# Die now, die! #

# Die now, die... #

- I'm sorry.

- It's okay.

You're not gonna leave, are you?

I'll bet the DJ can play

some Norwegian black metal,

maybe some Limp Bizkit.

Uh, Limp Bizkit is

a deal breaker.

# I can't wait #

# My love #

# Tell me what it's all about #

Sporty Spice.

- Oh!

- Look at that... cute.

Holy sh*t, he really does live

with them. I thought you were kidding.

Honey, you promised, remember?

- I need to talk to you.

- Hi, I'm...

Hi.

Aww!

- Thank you, thank you.

- Mwah!

Hey, Ted, you have history

with Ryan and Mary.

Can I talk to you

about them?

You're going to want something

much stronger than beer.

Okay, I'm not even going to tell you

what I had to promise Ted

to get him here.

You know, it's not that

I mind doing it, but...

I'm not gonna tell you.

The joys of

a long-term relationship.

Girl, you have no idea.

No, I don't.

Oh, speaking of which,

what's going on with that one?

Yeah, that's the thing.

Um, Scott asked me to move in with him.

Jeez, he doesn't waste

any time.

Wait a minute...

what did you say?

Well, I'm kinda leaning

toward yes.

Not again.

Are you serious?

- It's different this time.

- How? How is it different?

Because I'm going to wait to

commit to a decision...

Good... wait.

- Until after we go

to your wedding together.

A week? You're going to wait one week?

That's the difference?

A week is long...

- ish.

Oh my God.

Have you even...

- No. I know.

- So you're going to live here and...

- No, it's his birthday tonight.

- Okay.

And so I'm thinking, you know,

if he plays his cards right,

- like...

- Oh my God.

Oh my God!

Okay, well, then

we're going to need this.

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

- Let's open that.

- Let's open it

'cause we're both

gonna be busy.

Damn near killed her!

- We need to talk.

- You get the olives?

How can you think about olives

at a time like this?

Well, what am I supposed to put

in my martini, love? A pork chop?

Just shut up and come

with me to the bathroom!

Okay.

Have a cocktail.

See? They even go

to the friggin' can together.

Let me ask you one thing:

Have you ever once seen them apart?

No, I guess not.

Not really.

No, of course not, because they,

my friend, are a couple monster.

- A couple monster?

- They go to lunch together;

they go to the gym together;

they go to bars together;

they commute together.

I heard they share a cubicle at work...

not an office; a cubicle.

That's not right.

And the sick part

about it is,

because they spend

all of their time together,

they have absolutely nothing

left to talk about...

nothing to keep them from

going lighthouse crazy.

- That's why they latch.

- Latch?

Back when I knew them, they spent

all of their time with this girl,

um, Amy. Amy was like

the buffer between them.

She was their third wheel.

She was the one they

could talk about their day with.

She was the one

that they could deflect

all their weird f*** tension onto

instead of each other.

- So what happened to Amy?

- Don't know.

She got wise, got out. Maybe they

cooked and ate her. Who knows?

But the important thing is, dude,

you are the new Amy.

And from what

you've told me

about them trying to screw up

your dates with Leslie...

I didn't say that they were trying.

They just... they nearly did.

Think about it:

If you end up with Leslie,

they are out of the picture.

They are clearly not

going to let that happen.

And let me tell you

one more thing:

If I wanted to make you

look like a loser

in front of a potential girlfriend,

this is pretty much exactly

the party I would throw for you.

Happy birthday, Amy.

And that's when

I realized they were trying

to sabotage my relationship

with Leslie.

I don't know, man.

Sounds like they were just maybe

trying to keep you from rushing it,

like they said they would do.

You're listening to Ted?

Leslie told you he was a cynic.

Plus you planned

to kick 'em out.

That's a pretty douchey move.

Hey, whose side are

you guys on anyway?

Right now?

Don't answer that until

you hear the rest.

Well, thanks again for

helping with the table.

Have fun, you two.

Drive safe.

Yeah, get home

carefully now.

Well, that was some party.

Mmm.

Well, gosh,

that was fun, huh?

Wasn't that fun?

Tables are inside;

guests have all left. It's all good.

Say, Leslie, do you need

a ride somewhere, honey?

It doesn't matter how far it is.

We'd be happy to take you.

Oh, I think I'm gonna

stay for a little bit.

Wonderful!

You know, we need to make sure

that we do this all the time,

the four of us just hosting

these little shindigs.

- Mm-hmm.

- The four of us?

Oh, we heard the big news and

we could not be happier.

I mean, this place is plenty

big enough for four.

- When you moving in, Lisa?

- Leslie.

- God damn it.

- It's okay, honey.

Hold on, guys. There's some stuff

we need to discuss first.

- What stuff?

- Yeah, what kind of stuff?

I mean, I'm assuming

she'll live in your room,

go in a fourth on rent and utilities,

buy TP when it's her turn.

And besides that, what is there

really to discuss?

Look, this is not how

I wanted this to come up.

Mmm, why not?

How did you want it

to come up, Scottsdale?

Were you gonna

shoot us an email?

Or maybe you were

gonna blog it on... your blog?

Can we just talk about this

another time?

Scotty Dog, you seem

a little tense.

Are you sure you're okay?

Darling, I think maybe we should discuss

this under the light of a new day.

You know, honey,

you're right.

- Yeah?

- Yeah.

- Let's go.

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