Table For Three Page #4

to Mary for the last 20 minutes?

Is that a problem?

No, it's just... they were

acting really weird last night.

In fact I'm beginning to think

they're just weird in general.

What were

you guys talking about?

Oh, you know, girl stuff.

So, what are you doing Friday?

Do you want to hang out?

Yeah, I'd love to.

I hear you like the batting cages.

- Where did you hear that?

- I have my sources.

So, Friday at 7:
00?

And by the way,

I have now asked you out twice.

I know,

and I'm way behind.

I have to log at least twice

as many as you

if I'm going to feel

even remotely like a man.

Well, get to work, lazybones.

I'll see you Friday, okay?

- Okay.

- Bye.

Bye.

Jesus, you guys hungry

or something?

Oh, I don't know, Scott.

Maybe we're just being weird.

Yeah, weird

that you would say that,

because I've been

feeling weird lately.

That is so weird!

- That's weird.

- Weird.

Guys, is something going on?

Is this, like, a thing?

She heard you tell Lisa

that you think we're weird.

- Leslie.

- Leslie! F***!

Why do I have such

trouble with that name?

I do too. It's like,

Lisa, Leslie...

But you had no right

to hear that.

I was just in the process

of hanging up the phone

and making sure you'd

picked up the call,

and that it was connecting,

and...

Scott, come on.

Do you think we're weird?

Yeah. Yes.

If you want to know the truth, yes,

I think you guys are a little weird.

Us?

I'm sure.

Scott, I was a Gerber baby.

And I am from Marblehead,

Massachusetts...

- Idyllic!

- Born and raised.

- Yeah.

- Scott, what is so weird about us?

Well, okay, for starters,

the whole no-fighting thing.

That's... it's just odd.

We're not into

the conflict thing, Scott.

I'm just curious. Do you want us

to break up or something?

- Right?

- No, I don't want you to break up.

But it's just that

normal couples fight,

and it's very healthy

for the relationship.

Now I'm just confused.

I mean, I don't even know

how to do that.

Okay. Just... here, come here.

Okay. Mary, you sit here.

Ryan, you sit here.

No no, guys, get...

trust me here.

Sit apart.

There.

Now, clearly

there was something

going on last night,

so let's draw from there.

All right?

Now, tell him what you think.

Okay.

Ryan,

- you were being a dummy.

- Okay, uh,

I appreciate that you're speaking

from a place of anger right now.

- Thank you.

- No! Okay, look.

Tell her what you were

really thinking last night.

Okay. Uh, I...

Mary, I wish that you

would shut your trap, uh,

about the toilet seat.

- Yes, very good.

- Blabbermouth.

Nice. Okay now, Mary,

your rebuttal.

Um,

Freak.

Twat.

- Ass hat.

- B*tch.

Shitheel.

Strumpet.

Jerkoff.

Queef waffle.

Nagfucker.

Tampon wrapper.

Mama's boy.

Bloody f***ing cun...

Ow! Oh!

You know, in the UK that word's

not really that big of a deal.

I know.

But this is an important lesson

on escalation.

You can't go from a slap fight

to a C-bomb.

And look. You had a fight

and you're not breaking up.

- No.

- No, no.

Scott, you're right.

We have a lot of issues

that we've repressed

and you're right,

we need to work on that.

Yeah. Thank you, Scott.

I think it's clear that we both

learned a lot tonight.

I can't tell you how much

you mean to us, buddy.

Wow. Well, that's really nice.

I'm just so glad we found you.

Aw, come here.

Oh.

# Let's go, let's go,

it's on #

# Let's go,

let's go along #

# Let's go, let's go... #

- What's up, roomie?

- Whoa!

- Hey.

- You okay there, buddy?

Do you want to move on

to free weights, blasts those delts?

- Pump your lats?

- Pound your glutes?

What do you say?

Uh, no thanks.

I'm done.

- What a coincidence.

- We're done too.

Yeah.

But you guys just got here.

Hey, we work hard, not long.

- That's how we roll.

- God damn right it is.

Where are you headed?

Mind if we come with?

No, it won't be necessary.

My head's kind of hurting, so I'm gonna

go get some aspirin or something.

Golly.

Didn't think it was a crime to want

to spend some time with a friend.

Yeah, I mean if you want

to be alone, be alone.

- We're history.

- Past tense.

- Ghosts.

- Hasta lasagna.

- Peace out...

- Okay, later.

Okay.

Well, what time will

you be home?

# Let's go, let's go,

it's on #

# Let's go,

let's go along #

# Let's go, let's go,

we'll get it on #

# Let's go,

I'm going off #

# Let's go, let's go

right now #

# Let's go,

we're going out #

# You'll never know

until you go #

# Just what

it's all about... #

Damn, you're good.

Our kids would be Hall-of-Famers.

We had three dates.

You've got us having kids?

- Just an expression.

- You never know.

- You moving?

- I have to.

My apartment building

is going condo.

How long do you have

before you have to move?

Mmm, like 40 days.

Leslie...

I know this sounds crazy and we

haven't known each other that long,

but... move in with me.

What?

I'm serious.

You can have

your own room and...

you know,

it'll be like we're roommates.

Oh my God.

I mean, what about

Ryan and Mary?

To be honest,

it's not really working out.

I'll give them plenty of notice

and it'll be fine.

L-I don't know.

I mean, I... I guess

I just need to think about it.

This is so out of the blue, Scott.

I'm gonna need, like,

some time to...

- I...

- Yeah.

I... I think...

we should go back

to your place right now.

Okay.

'Cause I don't want

to wait another minute.

- Okay?

- Mm-hmm.

Happy birthday to me.

It's just right here.

Okay, now...

Let me check to make sure

Ryan and Mary aren't here.

Okay, well, hurry up.

Hurry up. Hurry up.

Oh, hey!

Where are you going?

I was going to get us

something to drink.

Oh.

Well, there is no time

for that.

Where is your bedroom?

I like where this is heading.

Slow down. What are you doing?

Slow down.

Hold on... watch out.

Why are you going outside?

Surprise!

# For he's a jolly good fellow #

# For he's a jolly

good fellow #

# For he's a jolly good fellow #

# Which nobody can deny... #

- Stop! Okay, that's fine. Stop.

- # Which nobody can deny... #

Yeah, stop.

- Who planned this?

- That would be us.

- Chicka chicka boo-ya!

- Hey!

Happy b'day.

Did you take that picture

while I was sleeping?

You just looked

so peaceful.

We figured since you don't have any

friends that throw in a rockin' party,

it'd be a great way for you

to make some new ones.

- Right?

- Yeah!

No no, that's very funny,

but I have lots of friends,

just not in L.A.

right now, okay?

Were you a part of this?

This is what Mary and I

were talking about on the phone.

You know, right before

you called us weird.

- Mmm, yeah, thanks again for that.

- Yeah.

How did you even know

it was my birthday?

Well, you left your driver's license

on the counter a couple days ago...

And so you just...

you just picked it up?

Dude, she wanted to know

your middle name. What...

- It's Paul.

- Paul.

Everyone, it's Paul.

Paul!

Do you two have any awareness of what

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