Tag Page #9

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this game right now?

JERRY:
Hey, babe, look.

You gotta calm down, okay?

Listen to me!

It's very hard!

Because you have decided

to ruin everything.

And so have you.

With your stupid face,

and your stupid beard

and your stupid glasses

and that stupid jumpsuit.

There's only so much

a girl can take

and then you want me,

on top of that, just to...

(GASPING)

Oh, my God. Are you okay?

- JERRY:
Babe? Suz? Sue?

- Oh, God! Jerry. Oh, my God.

- SUSAN:
Boo? Boo-boo?

- Sue?

Boo-boo? Boo-boo?

- What happened?

- Boo-boo? Boo-boo...

- Wait, wait. What happened?

- Susan, are you okay?

- Sit down, sit down, sit down.

- The baby. It's the baby.

It's finally happening. He's right here.

Who's it? Bob, tag him.

- Are you kidding me?

- What?

There's something wrong

with her baby.

There's nothing wrong with that baby.

It's a fake.

If you won't do it, then tag me.

I'm gonna do it.

Oh, yeah. Fine.

You want me to tag you, then?

Oops! I missed.

As usual,

you're completely wrong.

This? You think I'm wrong?

This is so over the top!

This is obvious.

(GROANING)

Tag me and I'll give him

a hug, and I'll say,

"If she's having a miscarriage,

this is awful, and you're it."

Are you kidding me right now?

You know. This feels like a

scene from What Would You Do?

You get put

in a precarious situation

and you have to make

the right decision.

It's all actors and cameras.

It's not great television,

but it hooks me in.

CHILLI:
What?

- JERRY:
Come on.

- (SUSAN GROANS)

All right, we're good. We're

gonna get to the hospital.

Jesus. Hey! Jerry? Jerry, if you

need anything I could easily...

You come near her

or my baby,

I'll crush your windpipe, Bob.

This ain't no f***ing game.

Uh...

I'm pretty sure

it's real, guys.

I will be so pissed if she

didn't have a miscarriage.

Chilli!

SABLE:
We all would be.

It's just a thing

you don't say.

It's implied.

Hey, Linda. Namaste.

Shouldn't you boys be getting

cleaned up for the wedding?

Not you, Chilli.

You're perfect.

Thanks, Linda.

I don't think anybody's

gonna be freshening up.

Hoagie, you can't go

looking like that.

"To everyone askin', the

wedding has been postponed.

"Thank you for your thoughts

and prayers."

It's from Jerry's mom.

- What? Maybe we're bad people.

- Maybe?

Yes, I think

we definitely are.

SABLE:
We might be.

Tag used to be a thing

that made me really happy.

But now, it's destroying me.

I feel sad.

Shut the f*** up, Sable.

Has anyone seen the

bridesmaids' Instagram stories?

- What?

- Check it out.

SABLE:
"Wedding's canceled.

Sad face emoji.

"I can't wear the dress.

Such a pretty dress.

"So sad. Goodbye emoji."

Really? Is there any chance that

all these women could post banal

minute-by-minute

moments from their day,

with mind-numbing captions

at the same time?

- Totally.

- Absolutely. That's all Instagram is.

I don't know about this,

guys. I just...

It doesn't feel right.

I smell a rat.

That's what I've been saying. I have been

actually saying this the whole time.

Hey, sweetheart, can we just move on?

It's over.

But it's not.

Now, come on, guys.

I'm gonna get

to the bottom of this.

- Bob.

- What'd I do?

Can I take

a photograph of you?

- No. Okay.

- Cute.

I'm gonna set up

an Instagram account for you.

Please don't.

Rachel Ditmus

is the only bridesmaid

with a private

Instagram account.

She's been wanting you to finger

bang her since the sixth grade.

If anybody's stupid enough to fall for

our request, it will be that dum-dum.

(CELL PHONE CHIMES)

And sent. All we've

gotta do now is wait.

- (CELL PHONE CHIMES)

- And accepted!

- Really?

- That was weirdly fast.

Do not finger bang her.

Oh, my God. I was right.

- What? What are we looking at here?

- What the hell is this?

A wedding dress.

What the f***?

They faked

the f***ing miscarriage!

No, no. Jerry's going down. We're

gonna destroy that wedding.

CHILLI:
Let's go!

BOB:
This is bullshit. That is so f***ed up.

(SHOUTING)

Hoagie?

Hoagie, what are you doing?

Damn it!

- Sweetie.

- Hoagie?

Be careful.

Should we stop him, or...

I'm not getting near him.

He's swinging that bat around.

- Sweetie, that's your mom's.

- Yeah, you're gonna hurt yourself.

(SHOUTS)

We lost! He beat us!

The game is over!

We can't tag Jerry.

It's just time for us to come to terms

with that. He's untouchable, that's it.

What do you wanna do?

You wanna just give up?

Yeah, Bob. I wanna give up.

It's time to give up.

Come on, Hogan.

You're not a quitter.

What's the alternative?

We go to the wedding,

we try to tag him, we fail

and we f*** up the wedding?

That's not a cool move.

That's a dick move.

That's not what friends do.

That's what a**holes do.

Hoagie! He faked

a f***ing miscarriage.

This is a miscarriage

of justice.

This is where we get him.

He deserves to pay for that.

Even if we wanted to do that,

we all signed an amendment.

Amendments are null and void

if you fake a miscarriage.

That's just basic

contract law.

- That's law. Basic contract law.

- Law.

Like he said.

- I literally, said exactly that.

- I know.

We're saying it together.

But I was also right earlier, because

I said the miscarriage was fake.

The amendment stands,

and maybe that's a good thing.

Maybe it's time

to grow up a little.

I'm going to the wedding

and you guys can do what you want.

I hope you come, too.

Chilli, just put on a tie.

Sweetie.

Do you even have a tie?

Yes, I have a tie.

- Do you need to borrow a tie?

- Yes, I need to borrow a tie.

Okay.

Hi! I'm so glad you made it!

Is that champagne?

I know. Ugh... (CHUCKLES)

I'm the girl

who cried miscarriage.

But I had to get him

out of that room

and distract you

for a couple of hours

so that the amendment

could kick in.

Okay. Are you even pregnant?

- No, I was never pregnant.

- You were never pregnant?

- Whoa.

- Wow.

Just listen. Jerry knew that you

guys might get the drop on him

so "Operation Miscarriage"

was our fail-safe.

- It was an operation?

- It was actually my idea.

- Brilliant. Brilliant!

- Aw, thanks.

That's diabolical.

Everyone's just pissed because

you won, and they're boys,

they can't get pregnant. So

they can't fake a miscarriage.

- (BOTH CHUCKLE)

- It's true.

Look, I'm not saying I want

you to have a miscarriage.

Then don't.

'Cause that would be terrible. But

if you ever do have a miscarriage,

I don't wanna say

that you would deserve it

'cause that's too far, but what

I will say and what I do feel

- is that's what you get.

- Uh...

Okay. It's fine. We can all

have different feelings.

But it's our wedding day,

you guys. Come on.

And we came up

with this great amendment

so that we could all enjoy this day

together and have fun and relax.

Are we cool?

- Yeah, I guess so.

- Not yet.

Sorry. Not cool yet. It's

just, you did murder a child.

- No.

- She didn't. No, it was a fake miscarriage.

Yeah, not the imaginary child

that was inside of you

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