Tales of Halloween Page #2

How many Twitter followers

do you have?

500 thousand?

500 thousand and one.

Hit 'em, hit 'em, hit 'em!

Shh.

Ah! I guess we'll

come back again.

Good going, buddy!

Excellent work back there,

Mordecai.

Now if you'd be so kind

as to untie our guest.

What? I thought

you were gonna show me

what a real

Halloween prank was.

Oh, I believe I did.

And I believe you'll find

some visitors at your home.

Why don't you just

run along now, little boy?

You know, your mother's going

to have a lot more free time

on her hands now.

I just want you to know

that I plan to be here for her.

Freeze! Let me see your hands!

- Get on the ground!

- Hands behind your head!

- Don't you move.

- Did you just pee yourself?

He just peed himself!

What the hell's wrong with you?

I wonder what happened

to the ones from last year.

Each year we spend good money

on these things,

come out here, and the ones

from last year's gone.

Flowers die.

The caretaker or somebody

takes them away.

Yeah, a little spit

and polish will clean this up.

Hey, hey, check this one out.

Awesome, huh?

You're disgusting!

Shh! There's a movie on.

Trick or treat!

Oh, wow. Here you go.

- Aww!

- Thank you!

You look great.

Why are there so many

pirates this year?

It's like every other kid's

got an eyepatch.

Maybe they're all missing eyes.

You're so bad.

Bunch of gimpy kids

with peg legs and patches.

Give me some candy, matey!

- You're stupid.

- They're coming to get you!

- Your turn.

- Man!

Go.

Fine, fine, fine.

You're acting like a child!

They're coming for you!

Look! There comes

one of them now.

- He'll hear you.

- Here he comes.

I'm getting out.

Can you say trick-or-treat?

Hey, there, princess.

What do you say, huh?

Ah, that-a-girl.

Hey, you want some

rum and cider?

No, thanks.

Cheers!

Bye,

Change your mind already, huh?

Ah, it's a witch. Awesome.

Trick or treat?

Nelson, you're drunk.

She's supposed to say that.

Dummy.

Trick or treat?

Trick.

Nelson.

Nelson?

Nelson!

What's wrong?

- Oh, my God.

- What happened?

What's wrong?

Baby, baby! What? Oh, my...

What the f***?

It was the girl!

F***! F***! F***!

What the hell?

- What's wrong? I'll call 911!

- We've gotta get to a hospital!

What are you guys,

f***ing idiots?

Give me my purse,

and I'll get the car.

Nelson, stay with me, baby!

F***!

Goddamn it!

F***!

No.

Oh, my God! Oh, my f***ing God!

Where's the car?

- What the f*** happened?

- The little kid!

What? What is it?

Maria, she...

- What?

- Oh, sh*t. Holy sh*t!

No.

Please don't. Please.

Happy Halloween,

you f***ing sicko.

No!

Now here's a tale

for all you hood rats

over there across town

on the wrong side

of the tracks.

Keep your heads up

and your butts down

'cause the weak need

all the help they can get

when the wicked

come out to ride

on All Hallow's Eve.

Mmm!

No, no. Wait, wait, guys.

Hold on a second.

Hold on a second.

Wait.

Ain't you a little old

for Halloween candy, Sheriff?

Show me piggy's trotters.

Please, Alice, please, please,

please, please.

Alice, please.

Alice, guys, hang on, hang on.

No, no, no, wait. Wait, wait.

I know you, stranger?

It spills the blood

of the wicked

where the wicked

have harmed the weak.

Think you turned yourself into

a monster with that suit, boy?

Ah!

Mount up.

Mom?

Dad?

You'd be little Jimmy Henson.

They didn't do nothing to you.

Hold him down.

When the word is carved

in flesh, the call is sent.

Return them to the location

of their offense.

Punch him!

You know...

it's kinda poetic, really.

You...

us...

together...

on All Hallow's Eve!

There are no monsters here.

Just me.

Spirits roam the earth tonight.

Do you know why wear

costumes on Halloween?

It's so the dead

won't know who's alive.

Their night.

And while some of them

like mingling with the living,

there are others who don't

like to be seen at all.

There's one ghost who hates it

more than any of the others.

Mary Bailey was laughed at

her whole life.

She died being bullied

and unloved.

All because she had

a disfigured face.

But now it's her turn

to have the last laugh.

She comes back every Halloween

to taunt the living

and to laugh at them

behind their backs.

So just a word of warning

tonight.

If you find yourself alone

on the way back,

and you hear an evil cackle

and footsteps behind you,

I wouldn't turn around

because if she

finds you looking,

when you least expect it,

she's gonna take your eyes.

Boo!

Very funny. Good one, you guys.

We never miss a chance

to make you jump.

God bless 'em.

You're all in on it, huh?

Well, we couldn't resist.

You scare so easily!

You're lucky it's Halloween.

Cheers, my baby.

Mom.

Let's have a drink!

- Are you good to drive?

- Oh, yeah.

I'm not that far,

and I'm not that drunk.

What are you... Oh!

Are you still driving

that piece of crap?

- I love that piece of crap.

- Good night.

- Oh, bye, guys.

- Lovely party.

- Thank you.

- Bye.

All right, well, thank you for

coming to the Halloween party.

Oh, come on, I know how much

this means to you.

Well, all right.

Mmm.

- Good night, Mom.

- Drive safe.

I will.

See you before next year.

Yeah! Duh!

A song to get you

to the other side

of the witching hour.

Oh, God.

Oh, sh*t.

Okay.

Oh, come on.

Sh*t!

Oh, God.

Sh*t.

Oh, sh*t.

Ah...

Let's see.

Oh, sh*t!

Oh, sh*t.

Ugh!

Mary Bailey bullshit!

Don't look, don't look,

don't look.

Huh.

Ohh!

Baby, you scared Mommy!

What are you doing?

What is it, Baby?

What are you looking at?

Baby?

Where you going?

Ohh...

Trick or treat!

Look at all those children

out there.

It's not fair.

I know, honey.

But look.

Trick or treat.

- What are you doing, Jack?

- I don't know. I thought...

Dressing our dog up

like Rapunzel

would make me forget

that we don't have a child?

- Gretel.

- What?

She's supposed to be

Gretel, you know?

Like Hansel and Gretel?

Where is my child?!

I couldn't give her

what she wanted.

Where is my child?!

Tonight we embrace

the situation, Jack.

No hiding in the dark.

We're gonna have fun.

We need to have fun.

This isn't gonna upset you,

is it, honey?

Why would adorable children

coming to our door upset me?

Trick or treat!

Well, hello,

my little pretties.

And what are we supposed to be?

- Witch!

- I'm the devil.

Alien.

Oh, you are, are you?

Well, pleasantries aside,

I assume you're here for candy.

Yeah.

Good! Hansel here

has lots of candy.

But we've been using it

to fatten him up,

so I can eat him,

just like I ate

his little sister Gretel.

Eww.

I ate her ear last,

so she could hear herself

be eaten.

Hansel?

Uh, would you like

some of mein candies?

Don't forget your line.

Trick or treat!

I ate her ear last,

so she could hear me chew.

Maybe we should

call it a night.

You know, go to bed early,

forget about all this.

Why do you make me do it?

I don't mean to.

Aren't they just so darn cute?

I could just eat them up.

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