Tales of Halloween Page #3

I'm gonna make cookies!

Maybe we just have

bad luck, Jack.

Or maybe I'm pregnant

right now,

and we just don't even know it.

Happy Halloween!

There, there.

Are you lost, little one?

I can take you

back to the sidewalk

to help you look

for your mother.

It's okay. Come inside?

It's safe in there.

Is this one yours?

Toby?

I told you not to run away

like that.

Thank you.

What's wrong with me, Jack?

Maybe people like us

shouldn't have kids.

The things you do to me,

the way you hurt me,

I couldn't let you do that

to a child.

I saw a doctor,

and he made it so that

I couldn't give you one.

I'm sorry.

You...

Please!

No!

I'm melting!

Whoo!

Aaahh!

Who dares disturb

the sleep of the dead?

I'm guessing you guys.

What the hell?

- That's enough.

- That's enough.

We need a little bit more

black over on this.

What?

Hey, Dr. Cadaverino!

How you doin'?

- Would you turn the music down?

- What?

I'm sorry.

It's a little loud out here.

I would like you

to turn the music down.

Oh, I'd like to help you out,

but it's f***ing Halloween!

My favorite holiday.

It's a sacred holiday.

Exactly! You get it, right?

Look at you, with that whole

undead Dr. Nosferatu thing

you got going on.

You really threw down

with that, man.

Look, you knew...

I have been doing this display

exactly as-is

for the past 20 years.

Yeah, we can tell.

Would you please

turn the music down!

And you, it's after dark.

Close the dairy.

F*** off, old man.

Whoa, dude, monster up!

Don't be such a party pooper.

This is what's beautiful.

This is what's been lost

because of you... and this.

I like what you did

over there, man.

You're like a cute little

kiddie show.

Like a spooky daycare.

Yeah! That's the spirit!

Hey, a**hole!

Of course you realize

this means war.

No! Don't do it!

Fight, everybody!

Do you know what would perk up

this candy-ass display?

Some motherfucking blood.

No!

You got him! Kick his ass, man!

Hey, hey, I got 20 bucks

on the scientist!

20 bucks! 20 bucks!

Ohh!

- [cheering.

- Yeah, baby!

- Go, f***er, go!

- Yeah!

Yeah! Get him, baby!

Fight! Fight! Fight!

Fight! Fight! Fight!

- Yeah!

- Come on! Come on!

Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

Oh, sh*t.

In olden days, on this night,

it was believed that

the veil between our world

and the spirit would

was at its thinnest.

So be careful.

However terrifying

you might think you look,

there's always something worse

lurking out there.

And on Halloween,

nothing is what it seems.

Please! No!

Help me!

Casey!

Please, no!

You don't have to do this!

No! No!

No more.

Hi!

Hello.

Trick or treat.

Trick or treat.

I don't know. I don't know.

Trick or treat.

Trick or treat.

Trick or treat.

Trick or treat.

Trick or treat.

Trick or treat.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Huh?

Uh...

Trick or treat.

Are you kids still up,

or are you tucked away in bed?

The night isn't over,

and you're far from safe.

So here's a little something

to keep you company.

Mask.

Why do I gotta be the princess?

'Cause we only have two masks,

and I sure as sh*t ain't

going as a princess.

Here he comes. Get ready.

Oh, boy, can you imagine

what it's like

to have your daddy

as a millionaire?

Just dad.

Look at the spoiled little brat.

Robbing banks is one thing.

I don't know about kidnapping.

Oh, my God. Seriously, Dutch.

Please don't give me

that moral bullshit.

We're not gonna hurt him.

And Rex Enterprise is gonna

handle the measly ransom,

believe me.

You know, if we're

gonna do this,

our window is right now.

We're never going to get

a better opportunity...

All right, shut up.

Just shut up!

Let's just do this.

All right.

Oh, you're such a cutie.

I love your costume.

There you go. Have fun.

Happy Halloween!

Trick or treat.

Aren't you a little old

for trick-or-treating?

You're never too old

for sugar, mama.

Get lost!

Hello, kid.

Don't scream, don't run.

We won't hurt ya.

I'm not here to steal

your f***ing candy, kid.

Well, I must say, that was...

That's pretty easy.

Well, why wouldn't it be?

It's a solid plan.

Now for the fun part.

Hey, kid, you've done

really good so far,

so what we're gonna do right now

is we're gonna call your daddy.

And if he asks to talk to you,

I need you to say,

"Hi, Daddy. Um, I'm fine."

Okay? Got it?

Hey! Give me that!

Hey, behave.

Behave.

Make the call.

Hello.

- Jebediah Rex?

- Speaking.

Listen to me very carefully,

Mr. Rex. We have your son.

If you ever want to

see him alive again,

you're gonna do

exactly as I say.

You have Rusty?

That's right.

For five million Benjamins,

you get your precious Rusty

back.

You've made a terrible mistake.

You're in no position

to make threats, Mr. Rex.

You poor bastard, you have

no idea what you've done.

No, I think I... Hello?

What the f***?

Did he just hang up on me?

Call him back.

Okay.

- Hello?

- Hello.

Um, why did you hang up on me?

Because we're negotiating the

release of your son, Mr. Rex.

Not interested.

Do not call this number again.

Okay, listen to me.

I'm not playing around with you.

What the f***?

Oh, sh*t.

Lock the door! Lock the door!

Come on out, kid.

I'm gonna count to five.

If your little punk ass

doesn't come out,

you're gonna be

all kinds of sorry.

One.

Two.

Three.

Four.

All right, here we go.

O-O-Okay! Uh...

Get him off me!

Get him off me! F***!

Oh, whoa! Whoa!

Oh, what the...

It's not a f***ing kid!

Oh, sh*t.

No, no. no.

Ah! Ah!

No!

- Ah!

- No! No, no!

Sh*t.

F***! Come on!

Hey, come on, kid,

come on, kid.

F***!

I'm gonna f***ing kill you,

you little sh*t!

Ow!

What are we gonna do

with this thing?

Oh, I've got an idea.

Wait, I... F***, I can't...

I can't... I can't do this.

You can't do what?

Are you kidding me?

My nuts were viciously assaulted

by a monster, dude.

What kind of a monster

cries like that?

I'm just gonna check on him.

I'm gonna check on him.

F***!

Problem solved.

Promise we'll never

speak of this again.

For one, it's f***ing

humiliating.

Two, I don't believe

that I was f***ing there.

I agree. Let's just pretend

like it never hap...

What the hell?

What?

What is it?

What is it?

Shh.

Oh...

No. Ohh! Ohh!

Oh, no!

Hello.

Hey, hello, it's me again.

Um... Please take him back.

I don't think so.

I'm begging you, please,

just take him back.

He's your problem now.

Come on, man!

Just name your price!

Anything you want! Please!

Don't you get it?

I'm finally free. It...

showed up five years ago

on Halloween night

trick-or-treating

and would not leave.

Okay, so let me

ask you a question.

Why the hell did you pretend

like it was your son, man?

- What were you thinking?

- He's not your son!

He's not your son!

We've been held hostage

this whole time.

- What the f***?

- He'll never let you go, ever.

By the way,

make sure you feed him,

or he will eat.

Oh! Oh, he's gonna eat!

Oh, that's great! Thanks!

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