Talk Radio Page #9

Oh, boy, this'll be great.

That's funny stuff, Barry,|the mailman who killed his boss.

Did you see what the mailman|brought me today?

Huh?

We got half the wackos|within 20 miles of this place...

saying how much they wanna|"burn your Jew ass."

Think about that, Barry. The time it|takes to sit down and write that on paper,

put it in an envelope, lick|it, send it to the station.

And I've got boxes|of this sh*t in my office.

These people|are dead serious.

All I'm suggesting is that you simply|pull it back, just for a little bit.

I think you're a little|out of your depth, Dan.

I think it's time|- Just stop talking and listen to me for two minutes!

You don't have an audience|in here now to cheer you on.

You do whatever you want to tonight,|Barry. Have fun. Blow the deal.

I'm not gonna say I don't care,|because I worked very hard on this.

- I worked my ass off on this.|- This is my life you're talking about.

No, what you are, Barry, is a f***ing|suit salesman with a big mouth.

Let's call a spade a spade.

It's a job.|That's all it is.

You can come in here and start predicting|Armageddon if you want to, Barry.

But it's still a job.

A job you did not even know|how to do...

until I taught it to you!

What do you think you're doing|in here, changing the world?

This is a talk show, Barry,|and you are a talk show host.

Alan does the drive time, Jerry|does the home handyman stuff,

Sheila does the shrink stuff, Sid does the|financial stuff, and you hang up on people.

That's your job.

Now, you're very good at it.|You're the joker in my deck,

and I'm very happy|for your success.

But you work for me!

I'm your boss.

You wanna have the kid|on the show? Have him on!

But you get one thing straight.|You f*** up my deal,

and you go back to selling|double-knit suits.

I'm glad you take it|all so seriously, Barry,

but you gotta learn when to stop|or it's gonna kill you.

Go get the kid. The kid|is not a good idea, Barry.

You're on his side, aren't you? No,|I want you to think about the show.

You could lose everything that you've|worked for and everything I've worked for.

Get the kid.

It's very important to Barry.

It's a very important moment|in his life.

Yes, he is important to me.|He is important.

Look, Lou,|he's a f***in' basket case.

Lou- Allright, allright.|Forget it. Forget it.

I'll just stay to see the show tonight,|and then I'll be home tomorrow, okay?

Love you.

Yeah. Hey.

Just pretend I'm visiting|a sick relative.

All right?

Bye.

Yeah.

Night Talk. We're back. This is|the spirit of Barry Champlaign.

Joe, hit me with your|best shot. Yeah, Barry.

I've been driving a cab now|for about 11 years.

I've met all kinds. I|know people. I wish I did.

Let me tell you|something, friend.

That kid who just called, what he|needs is a good bust in the chops.

Think that would do it, Joe? Kid|like that needs some discipline.

Discipline?|I got two kids, Barry.

They give me any trouble,|I just take off my belt.

They see the belt,|that's it.

How old are your children, Joe? Little|girl's five, boy's three and a half.

You hit them with a belt?|Brush, belt, newspaper. Whatever.

Hey, they're either gonna get it from|me or they're gonna get it out there.

Joe, I think you need|professional help. What's that?

You need to get together with|Jerry. He can hold them down...

while you hit them with a belt.|What the hell are you talking about?

You're hitting your kids with|brushes and belts. You're psychotic.

You're a psycho. Yeah? And|what are you, friend, a f*ggot?

Coming from a pinhead like you,|that's a complement.

How about I come on down there to|that station of yours right now...

and bust your little|f*ggot face right in?

Who's gonna help, your brother? You|don't say nothin' about my brother.

Your brother hangs around Harry|Heinz Blvd., doesn't he? He's a pimp.

And your wife, she's a|hooker, isn't she? My wife?

What do you beat her with,|a baseball bat?

Hmm?

Well, I know where|you live, partner.

Allright?|I know what you look like.

Mm-hmm.|Sweet dreams, sweetheart.

I can't wait.

Vincent, you're on Night Talk.|Say something interesting.

Yeah. Uh-|Yeah.

I've been listening to|you for five years. Uh-huh.

Yup, and the guys down here at|the store put you on every night.

Yup. And we sit around|and laugh at you...

Yup. because you're|such a jerk-off and...

Yeah, all right.|Night Talk. Agnes, yeah.

Barry, can I ask you a question? Hit me.

I wouldn't hit you|for the world, sweetheart.

I Love Lucy. Now, why don't|they make more of them? What?

What do you want to talk|to Barry about?

You wanna rape somebody?

Why don't you go home and take|a cold shower. That'd be better.

Those shows are ancient, Agnes. Lucille|Ball must be at least 105 years old.

The rest of the cast is dead.|No. Now, she's not that old.

I saw her on the show the other|night, and she looked to be around 35.

And that Ricky Ricardo,|boy, can he play the bongos.

Nobody can be this stupid. Are you|serious, Agnes? You know what year this is?

Yeah, John,|you're on Night Talk.

Remember me, Barry?

I called and said|I was in Turtle Creek.

Well, I...

I raped three women since then.

Do you remember me? I'm|not sure. Refresh me, John.

I'm thinking about raping another|one, Barry. I saw her this morning.

What are you doing to me, Stu? You're|killing me right here on the air.

- Oh, could we relax, please?|- These women I raped aren't turning me in.

How come? Well, tell|me where you are, John,

and I'll make sure|you get some help.

You have my word on that. I'm|just so tired of raping women. I...

I'm so tired|of raping women!

I|- I got rage for them! I got rage for them! John.

When was the last time|you raped a woman?

In Greenville|a couple weeks ago.

She was-|She was struttin' around...

like she was something else.

Yeah, I-I understand, John.|I sympathize.

We all get angry.

Where did the rape|actually occur?

It was in the backseat|of her car.

She pulled into|the Jack in the Box parking lot.

I jumped in and said,|"Okay, I'm-"

It was nighttime, sometime.|I don't know.

How old are you, John?|I'm 40.

I was in the pen 12 years.|Are you taping this for me?

I didn't get no therapy. They didn't|do nothin' for me! Let me hook this up.

They didn't- They didn't-|They didn't bother to help me!

Barry, I'm gonna rape somebody.|I'm gonna do it. But why?

I gotta!|It's an irresistible compulsion.

It's like- It's like|tryin' to quit smoking.

Barry, I can't help myself.

I can't...

Yeah, all right. You have|this irresistible compulsion.

John, the last time we spoke,

you said that|jogging helped you.

Up and down Turtle Creek.

Jogging up and down the|Turtle Creek. Turtle Creek!

I could name you every duck|in Turtle Creek!

John, have you decided|who you're gonna rape next?

I got her picked out,|staked out and ready.

I always wanted her.

What is it about her|that you like?

What is it about a piece of strawberry|pie or a piece of pumpkin pie?

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