Talladega Nights: The Ballad Of Ricky Bobby Page #10

Susan, I've never heard you

talk like that.

Are we about to get it on?

Because I'm as hard as a diamond

in an ice storm right now.

-This is awesome.

-Yes, it is.

-Are you climbing on the table now?

-Yes, sir.

I can't believe this.

This is like that Whitesnake video

where the girI crawls on....

Yeah. Just like that.

What's her name?

Tawny Kitaen. She's really good.

-She's great.

-She's fantastic.

Everyone, turn away.

Things are gonna get crazy.

We're gonna make animaI noises.

-Looks good, damn good.

-Yeah. That's good, guys.

Yeah, Ricky, it's good to be back.

-Talladega.

-Talladega.

I missed you dudes.

Even you too, Glenn.

I didn't have a whole lot of money left,

but what I did I put into the car.

We got some lower-end sponsors,

so it's nothing to shout about...

...but at least we got

something to run in.

Let's see what we got, guys.

What are we looking at?

''Julio's thongs for men''?

Come on, what kind of dude

wears a thong?

Yeah, that's messed up.

Perverts, you know?

It's not the best car, but it'll move.

Hold on, now, baby. Let's just see

what this thing's got under the hood.

-There she is.

-Looks like the Pep Boys threw up.

-Damn.

-Like I said, work in progress.

All right, I tell you what we gotta do.

Since we got no corporate money...

...we have to build this

engine ourselves.

I want you to hit up every independent

driver out there for spare parts.

Yeah, Lucius, that's crazy.

Well, crazy is all we got

right now, okay? So do it.

Now, where you going?

I wanna tell Gerard Depardieu

we're coming for him.

There you go, baby. Give him hell.

Get this engine built. Get it built.

I have not finished.

Monsieur Girard,

Ricky Bobby is here to see you.

This is the one I was talking about,

Ricky Bobby.

Thank you, Bacco. Go.

You're a tough man to find.

You know that, buster?

I prefer solitude

the day before a race.

I am being so incredibly rude,

Monsieur Bobby.

Let me introduce you

to my lunch guests.

This is my dear old friend

Elvis Costello.

DelightfuI to meet you, Mr. Robert.

I thought you were dead.

And next to him is hip-hop artist,

poet and my brother-in-law, Mos Def.

I like your driving style.

I'm more of a Tony Stewart man...

...number 20 car, myself.

How he gets into

those straightaways.

Gets it in the paint. Get her done!

And across from Monsieur Def...

...is Breeze.

Hey. You're Breeze or you're Breeze?

Which one of you is Breeze?

Together we are Breeze.

They are like twins,

born from different wombs.

-Right.

-They are God's most...

...beautifuI mistake.

They do everything together.

Everything.

They read the same books.

They do Pilates together.

They walk, talk, sleep...

...even go make toilet.

Okay, you're starting

to creep me out, man.

A single plop.

One single plop.

I don't need to hear about

doing a toilet.

You want more examples?

-No, you listed like 8000.

-Less than that.

-It's none of my business.

-More like...

...I don't know, between five and 1 0.

Look, I need to talk to you.

Walk with me, Ricky Bobby.

-You have a good lunch.

-Take care, man.

-Goodbye, Ricky.

-Goodbye.

Holding hands with a man

makes me terribly uncomfortable.

lt is a sign of friendship

in many countries.

Well, not in ours.

There's nothing sexuaI about it.

Please don't be worried at the fact

I have an erection.

-lt has nothing to do with you.

-Hey, come on.

Look. Here's the deal.

I came here to tell you one thing.

All right?

Tomorrow, I'm coming for you.

Do you know why I came to America,

Ricky Bobby?

Public schools, health-care system,

giant water parks.

I mean, the same reason

anyone comes to America.

I came here for you to beat me.

-What the hell are you talking about?

-My husband, Gregory, and l...

...wish only for that

which every other couple wishes for:

To tame Komodo dragons

in Sri Lanka...

...and teach them

to perform Hamlet.

But before I can do that....

-That's dumb.

-It's not dumb.

-lt is dumb.

-Why is it dumb?

-I don't know.

-But before I can do that...

...I must be beaten by a driver

who's truly better than me.

So you're gonna lose to me

on purpose?

-No.

-No?

No!

I will battle you with the entirety

of my heart.

And you will probably lose.

But maybe, just maybe...

...you might challenge me.

God needs the devil.

The Beatles needed

the Rolling Stones.

Even Diane Sawyer

needed Katie Couric.

Will you be my Katie Couric?

I feel like I'm in Highlander.

What's the Highlander?

It's a movie.

-Any good?

-Very good.

-lt won the Academy Award.

-Oh, for what?

For best movie ever made.

I just want you to know I came here

today to tell you one thing.

That come race time tomorrow,

I'm coming for you, all right?

-May God be with you.

-Yeah.

Because although

today I am friendly...

...tomorrow will be war!

All right.

Ladies and gentlemen, pull up a chair,

drop the kids off with their aunt...

...and take the phone off the hook

because it's race day here...

...at the Talladega Superspeedway.

Hey, guys.

-Why so down?

-Ricky...

...we were up all night

working on the car.

And then something happened.

There was a fire.

Did you say ''fire''?

Glenn is dead, Ricky.

I mean,

he died last night in my arms...

-...as I held him.

-Oh, man.

He was so scared,

because you know how little he is.

And death was coming for him,

and he stood there...

...and with a tear coming out his eyes,

he said, ''Tell Ricky, win for me.''

That's all that little bastard wanted,

was for you to win.

I wish you could've seen him.

I wish you could've felt

his little heart fluttering.

Sweet Jesus.

Poor Glenn.

Hey, what the hell, man.

Hey, Glenn. Glenn!

-I see you.

-Glenn, what did I say?

-I said, ''Wait till after the race.''

-Was he crying?

I'm sorry, Ricky. We were just trying to

give you a little extra motivation.

Well, that is just sick, guys.

It's okay, Susie.

I appreciate it, guys.

Just trying to help out...

...even though

it was weird and perverse.

They're just trying to help, Ricky.

We're a team here.

-I appreciate it.

-Let's see what's under the hood.

All right, let's have a look.

Hot dog. I mean, that's like looking up

Bridgette Wilson-Sampras' skirt.

We were up all night working on it.

Like I said, a lot of teams gave parts.

Nice work, guys.

And your sponsors weren't doing

very much, so...

...well, we repainted the car.

Well, take a look. Come on, guys.

Well, I like the cougar,

but what company is ''M.E.''?

''Me'' is you...

...because it's just you out there.

We don't have

any corporate sponsors.

We don't have

any fancy team owners.

We have you...

...and this car, and this cougar...

...which symbolizes the fear

that you have overcome.

It's all there for you.

Ricky, this car is like your Excalibur,

the mighty sword King Arthur used...

...to bring together

the Knights of the Round Table...

...untiI Lancelot betrayed him by laying

with his queen, in the biblicaI sense.

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