Talladega Nights: The Ballad Of Ricky Bobby Page #7

I thought we had a good thing going.

Shake and Bake.

You're doing great.

You just keep it up. Keep it up.

And Mr. Dennit told me

that it's my time now.

-Oh, really?

-That Shake and Bake is dead.

And we just came up

with a new nickname.

-It's so good. It's so good.

-I got a new nickname.

The Magic Man.

Now you see me...

...now you don't.

That is the stupidest nickname

I've ever heard.

ls it, Ricky?

Because I think

you wish you thought of it.

All right. You got me.

That's an awesome nickname.

I've always had a lot of great ideas.

I also think I might design a car

that's in the shape of a rabbit.

lt might poop out little reaI rabbits out

the back that'll run around the track.

You have live rabbits

being pooped out onto a track?

lf I win, I might do a speciaI thing

with David Copperfield...

...where he hides in my car

in the passenger seat...

...and he just flings magic stuff

out the window.

Did you run any of this

by NASCAR?

Watch the maiI for that invitation to

the wedding, because I want you there.

-What?!

-I know it...

...that some bad stuff happened

just now, but in time--

The wedding's not for

a couple of weeks.

Why would I come

to your guys' wedding?

--you're gonna get over it

and be my best man.

I'm not gonna be your best man!

Baby, he's not gonna come

to the wedding.

Cal, do you realize the implications

of your actions right now?

What's ''implication'' mean?

We are no longer friends.

-Why?

-What do you mean, ''Why?''

You're wrecking my life!

You just lost your wife.

You just lost your job.

Don't throw out your best friend

because of your anger.

-That's absolutely ridiculous, man.

-Ricky...

...remember, the field mouse is fast,

but the owI sees at night.

That's kind of creepy, ain't it?

-Hey, Ricky, I'll call you tomorrow.

-Shut up.

-Bye, kids. I'll see you next weekend.

-Bye.

Ricky! Boys! ls everything all right?

Mama, we got nowhere to go.

Carley and CaI took everything.

Well, you're home now,

and you got your mama.

Get in here, boys. Come on.

Come on. Get in this house.

Hey, Ricky. Are you on fire?

-Nice denim shorts, dude.

-Hey, shut up, man.

Hump me!

Now, you watch yourself.

Yes, sir. I'm sorry.

I promise it won't happen again.

Hey, sorry, man.

Hey.

I lost my license.

That's why I'm on the bus.

I'm delivering pizzas.

Motherf***er,

what makes you think I care?

Shut the f*** up!

I was just telling you that because--

Like I said, I lost my license. I've

been having a lot of problems lately.

Problems? I don't wanna hear about

your damn problems.

Everybody got problems.

My mama got problems.

She just lost her leg.

My cousin Pookie just lost a testicle.

My dog threw up somebody's finger.

That's a problem.

I really regret opening my mouth

and talking to you.

-Sorry. Sorry.

-Get out of the road!

Hey, come on, man.

I'm on a bike. Relax.

-Hey, shut up!

-ldiot!

It's open.

Hugalo's Pizza. We are pizza.

-You are pizza?

-Yeah, we are pizza. I gotta say it.

Either close the door or come in.

I got weed in here, cowboy.

You got three pizzas that haven't

been eaten just sitting over there.

I know. I've been calling them

all day trying to get you...

...but they keep sending me

different delivery people.

Trying to get me? Why?

Because I'm your daddy, that's why.

-What did you just say?

-I said, I'm your daddy.

I'm Reese Bobby.

Me and your mama did it in a Rustler

Steak House bathroom when I was 1 7.

And then you showed up.

Hey, son.

-Son! Son, did this go good?

-No!

-Seems to me like it went pretty good.

-You're not my dad.

-lt got a little heated, but....

-Stop talking to me!

Hey, is that a Huffy?

That's a nice-looking bike, boy.

I can't believe it!

I mean, he's been

blowing me off for 25 years...

...and now he wants

to get to know me?

How the hell did he even find me?

I called him.

Are you kidding me?

Mama, why did you go do that?

Son, you need help.

-I know he's a son of a b*tch.

-He's scary.

But you're a grown man.

You're delivering pizzas on a bike.

How'd you even get hooked up

with him in the first place?

You probably couldn't tell

by looking at him now...

...but your daddy used to be

a reaI charmer.

And that night in the ladies' room of

the Rustler Steak House, he chose me.

-ln a ladies' room?

-Shut up in here! I'm trying to sleep!

One of you turds is about

to get smacked in the mouth!

Hey, stop yelling at me, okay?

I'm your dad. You're 7 years old.

Don't talk like that.

Hey. Hey there, Lucy.

How you doing?

Oh, hey there, Ricky. Look, son...

...I know you don't

want me to be here...

...but I saw what happened to you

on the television. You saw the fear.

-I can help you with that, son.

-Really?

What do you care about me or us?

You never even met your grandkids.

-What are you looking at, Popeye?

-Shut up, you little pot-licker.

I'll put you in a microwave.

Now, you show me the DNA test...

...and then maybe I'll say hello

to these swamp rats.

You people shut the hell up! I got

a wife in an oxygen tent trying to sleep.

You better shut up or I'll come

over there and rip a hole in that tent.

Yeah, shut up, Frank!

Go shave your balls,

you dusty old fart!

Okay, I guess they are my grandkids.

I know you, son. I know you well.

You're just like me. Talladega's

coming up in a couple of weeks...

-...and I know you wanna win that thing.

-No, I don't.

Listen, Ricky.

I'm 55 years old

and all I got to my name is a car...

...and a duffle bag full of underwear,

and sweet, stinky weed.

How much you selling that weed for,

old man?

I know I screwed up

raising you as a boy...

...but just let me help you as a man.

-Do it, Dad. Get your balls back.

-Go fast again.

Fine. I'll do it.

-But I ain't calling you Daddy.

-Well, what you gonna call me?

All right, Professor Dickweed.

What's the plan?

Well, basically, what happened to you

is that you saw the fear.

So before you can even think

about any reaI driving...

...you gotta make friends with that fear.

So get in the car.

What the hell?!

There's a goddamn cougar in the car!

I know there's a cougar,

I put it in there.

You gotta learn to drive

with the fear.

Ain't nothing more damn frightening

than driving with a cougar in the car.

-God, where'd you get that thing?

-I trapped it.

Been keeping it in my bathroom

at the motel, feeding it old pizza.

-Now get back in that car, you hear me?

-No, I'm not getting in that car.

Hey, listen to me. lf you're calm,

that wondrous big cat will be calm too.

But if you're scared...

...that beautifuI death machine

will do what God made it to do...

...namely, eat you

with a smile on its face.

God, he's just following me

wherever I go.

Well, he's just looking at you.

You're saying if I just calm down,

the cougar will be okay?

-You got it.

-Damn it. Okay.

Come on, son.

You can do it. Come on.

Oh, come on.

That's it.

-And no sudden moves.

-Like, is this too fast? Oh, man. See?

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