Talladega Nights: The Ballad Of Ricky Bobby Page #8

-That's a little quick.

-You see what he did?

You gotta be a little more deliberate

in your movement.

I'm just gonna get in there.

I'm just gonna grab the handle.

I'm gonna get in and drive that car.

I'm gonna do it calm.

-Calm. Piece of cake.

-I was just trying to stay calm.

-Oh, man!

-Sometime today, son.

Okay, here we go. I'm getting in.

Oh, God, help me!

-Ricky! ControI your heart rate.

-Oh, my God!

Hey, Mama.

Well, hey there, Ricky. How'd it go?

Well, I was mauled by a cougar...

...learned nothing about driving,

and my CrystaI Gayle shirt was ruined.

But other than that, it went fine.

Where are the boys at?

I dropped them off at Sunday school

at my church about 1 0 minutes ago.

Anarchy!

-Anarchy! Anarchy!

-Anarchy!

-There they are.

-What in tarnation?

-Anarchy!

-I don't even know what that means...

...but I love it!

-What in the hell?

-That is it!

That puts the lid right on the jar!

-Mama! Mama!

-No, Ricky, no.

I will not have my grandbabies

acting like shiftless, wild hobos.

All right, now, you boys listen up,

and you listen good.

Now, I am declaring Granny Law.

And if you do not obey Granny Law...

...I will paint your back porch red.

Sorry, Granny,

but you're sh*t out of luck.

We make the rules, not you.

Hey!

You're gonna break us

like wild horses, ain't you?

It's the beginning of a new age.

Hey, Derek, it's Ricky.

Just wondering

if you can ditch school...

...and take over my shift

at the pizza place...

...because I got strep throat.

And it's bad. I don't wanna

give it to everyone else.

So call me back.

You know the number.

Hello.

Hey, man. How's it going?

You wanna come over and party?

Did you just say ''party''?

You know what? No.

Because I still hate you, okay?

-What are you so mad about?

-What do you think I'm mad about?

Come on, man, that was last week.

What about the time you ran over

my leg with a car?

-I let that go that day.

-Yeah, I remember.

Wind is kicking up.

Are you in the hot tub?

Answer me this:

When you're in spa mode...

...how come the water level

drops in the spa?

Are you pressing the buttons

in the back panel or in the kitchen?

-I just started pressing stuff.

-Hey, don't press all those buttons.

I'm getting bored. You wanna

come over and play G.l. Joes?

I would love to. No!

Come on. You know what?

Screw you, man.

Ricky, man, you gotta

cross over the anger bridge.

Come back to the friendship shore.

-''Cross over the anger bridge''?

-Yeah, that's where you're at.

You're stuck on an anger bridge.

Can you not see why

I'm stuck on the anger bridge?

Look, I don't know why I'm talking

to you, okay? What is it?

They got bottomless nachos

at Bennigan's.

God, a whole mess of nachos

sounds good right now.

I don't have a car no more.

Can you come get me?

I'll get you. Which one of your cars do

you miss the most? I'll bring that one.

-I miss the Hummer.

-I'm coming in the Hummer.

-Are you ready?

-Yeah. No, wait.

Okay. Our friendship is done.

All right?

-You hear?

-You wanna hang out in your house.

-Come on.

-Screw you, dude. I'm hanging up.

Okay, that's it. Bye.

Oh, man, this is absolutely crazy.

I mean, this is borderline reckless.

Don't you get it? You don't drive with

your eyes, you drive with your heart.

This is just dumb.

I can't see a thing.

You gotta feel the road.

You gotta let it live inside you.

-Are you feeling anything now?

-I'm feeling a little bit.

What do you feel?

Tell me what you're feeling.

I'm feeling the worn wood

of the steering wheel.

-Yeah. What else?

-A little bit of heat.

That's you and the car

melded together.

Yeah, now I'm really feeling it.

I feel like the car could drive itself.

I bet it could. Start her up.

I'm gonna start this car up.

Attaboy. All right, son.

Drive.

I'm embarrassed.

I really thought I could feel it.

You know what? We better hightaiI it

out of here. Frank's gonna be pissed.

All right.

No, no, Ricky. No blindfold.

Get this highway clean, come on.

I gotta tell you, Granny, this blows.

-How much more of this?

-I don't know.

How many more times are you gonna

toss me the radio in the bathtub?

-Hello?

-Hey, man. You up?

-No.

-Wake up. I need to talk to you.

I think your house is haunted.

Hey, come on.

It's 2:
30 in the morning.

I can't sleep in here, man.

I'm scared.

Look, there's nothing to be scared of.

It's a new house...

...there's a lot of creaks and moans

and groans in it.

-Put on-- You got your TV on?

-Well, yeah, I fell asleep with it on.

-Turn on channel 42.

-Forty-two?

-Look at them buns.

-Well, that is a set of buns.

And down, and down, and--

What's she doing exercising

at 2:
30 in the morning?

Oh, yeah, that's a really good point.

I don't know why I'm talking to you.

Do you remember that I hate you?

Hey, man, you know what

I was thinking?

-You're lucky.

-I'm lucky?

-How so?

-Well, check it out.

I'm sitting here in this enormous

haunted mansion, can't sleep.

You're hanging out at your mom's.

That's awesome.

-That's, like, the opposite of awesome.

-Well, this is like a hotel room...

...with someone else's junk in it.

Okay, yeah, well, that someone else's

junk, that used to be my stuff.

I'm just having a hard time, man.

I'm just calling up for some support.

Do you--? Do you know

how crazy that sounds?

-Hey, one more thing.

-Yeah?

When you have the stereo on

at the same time as the TV...

...how do you controI the volume

on the TV?

Why do you want to listen to the TV

with the stereo on?

Because I like to party.

Why am I still talking to you?

Come on.

We were doing good there, man.

I'm taking care of your house good.

I keep snapping back into it.

It's like a trick you're pulling on me.

-All right. I'll talk to you tomorrow.

-All right, man. Talk to you tomorrow.

Sh*t.

Get out.

Where did stock-car racing

come from?

What?

-Hey, stop doing that.

-How did stock-car racing get its start?

Bootleggers in Prohibition had to have

cars fast enough to outrun the Feds...

-...then they started racing each other.

-That's right.

lf I was right, why'd you throw

another bucket on me?

I filled up three. Now, there's nothing

like driving to avoid jail.

Nothing hones your mind

and your instincts like necessity.

So I taped a kilo of cocaine underneath

the car and called the boys in blue.

Now, the way I figure it,

you got about two minutes...

...before they show up

and you do five to 1 0.

So, what's it gonna be?

Fear or prison?

-What the hell are you talking about?

-ReaI simple, son.

Cops are coming.

There's a kilo of Colombian bam-bam

under the car. Time to be a man.

-You got hair on your peaches or what?

-You're not kidding, are you? Man.

You crazy creep!

Come on, son.

What's it gonna be?

Speed or jail?

Grandpa, would you like

to take us fishing...

...and tell us life lessons and stories

about your childhood?

I got a better idea.

Why don't you boys go dig a hole

and I'll get another beer?

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