Tammy Page #4

Ooh.

I'm gonna go pick up that hint

he just dropped.

Hey, is this the bathroom line?

Um, what are you doing?

Just wondering where your wife is tonight.

- I'm not married.

- Let's light this candle.

Whoa. Okay. All right. Come on.

I do not want your tongue in my mouth.

Then where do you want it, man?

No, I'm gonna go to the bathroom. You just-

- You're welcome.

- Okay.

Not a chance.

Good set, man.

Thanks a lot.

Just ditching me in there.

Can't find my grandma anywhere.

Do you know where she is?

I do, unfortunately.

On! God! Hey!

Just go away. We're fine.

- God.

I think she took my keys.

Did you take my keys, Grandma?

Are you kidding me?

Come on.

Dad. Cut it- Oh, man.

Ee!

- Oh, my God.

Oh!

- I don't wanna know what that was.

Ugh.

That's a shitty way to end the night.

You're telling me.

Sorry I, you know, made that...

...little pass at you...

- ...in there.

- "Little pass"?

- Tsk.

- That was kind of aggressive.

Damn it, I'm saying I'm sorry.

No, it's okay. I was flattered.

It was just surprising.

You know.

Honestly, for the night as a whole...

...it wasn't the worst thing that happened.

Do I say "thank you" to that?

- Yeah, there's a compliment in there.

- In there somewhere.

Oh, God. Don't look.

- Oh! Oh! Oh!

- I just told you not to look. Why did you look?

I tried to save you from that.

Because by saying it,

it's like an invitation to look.

It's like if somebody says,

"Does this smell weird to you?"...

...and they put it out,

you lean in and you smell it.

You don't smell it.

But you do. You lean in and you smell it.

I would not smell something

if somebody told me not to smell it.

- I can guarantee you that.

- I don't think that's true.

- Dad. All right, enough!

We're only at first base.

Oh, boy, here comes second.

Dad, this is not fair to Mom. Come on, man.

- "Mom"?

- it's complicated.

Yeah, you think? I think so.

- Hey, Grandma!

Sorry, nobody's home.

- That a**hole is married!

- Come on, Dad.

He's married!

Sorry, darling, the inn is closed.

I'm sorry, but he is an a**hole.

I agree. He's a little bit of an a**hole.

I can't...

Will you do me a favor?

My mom is home alone and she's sick,

and I need to get back with her.

So do you have like a pen or something

I could borrow real quick?

Yeah, I think so.

All right. Look.

If they come out of there at a certain point...

...just give me a call

and I'll come pick him up.

Here.

Thank you.

I knew you were into me.

I got your digits.

Sorry, that was stupid. That was dumb.

All right, Tammy.

Thanks for holding down the fort.

I appreciate it.

Yeah, I'll watch him.

Appreciate it.

- Thanks.

- Good luck.

Thanks. Bye, Bobby.

Bye.

Oh! Yes, Earl.

You know who she f***ed? Duane Allman.

Yeah, she f***ed the wrong Allman Brother.

Enjoy that.

- t's 119, Grandma. I said it. 119, 119.

-119. 119.

Could you not do-?

Can I just have my sh*t back?

No, no. Come on.

A gentleman always carries a lady's things.

- Oh, bingo. 119. You're right. 119.

- Yeah, great.

So you wanna come in for, um...

- ...some color TV or sex?

- Yeah. Mm.

No. We had a deal.

Yeah. Bullshit.

Don't you dare. Don't you dare.

You are too old to be this strong.

Open this door, Grandma. Goddamn it.

Hey, Tammy.

- We need some ice, baby. Okay?

- Yeah. F*** you, Earl.

- F*** you.

Aw. Ow.

- Come on.

Oh. Aah!

Oh, sh*t.

I gotta-

I gotta pee.

All right. Let's go for B2.

You piece of sh*t.

I paid for you.

Come on, you tasty motherf***er.

Yeah, now who wins?

Me.

Tammy?

Hey, Tammy.

Tammy.

Tammy, what are you doing out here?

Oh.

They wouldn't let me in the room.

You slept outside?

Oh, my God.

Here, let me help you up. Come here.

- Thanks.

- Yeah. Of course.

Oh. You're all dirty.

She took my keys...

...and I just didn't want them driving off

and doing something stupid.

That's why I gave you my number.

You should have called me.

Oh, I didn't think you meant that.

I said it. I meant it. Okay?

All right, Dad, come on. We gotta go.

I'm sorry about all this.

Well, I mean, you didn't do it.

I'm the one who's supposed

to be keeping him out of trouble.

I don't think you're very good at it.

- Ha, ha. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm tired.

- No, I think you might be right.

Oh, God.

Tammy, what are you doing out here?

All right. Let's go, boy.

Dad. Truck's this way.

Gotcha.

- Well...

- Well.

I guess this is goodbye again.

Yep.

I'll take care of that one.

You take care of that one?

Okay.

- See you, Bobby.

- See you, Tammy.

Thanks again.

Yep.

Get that out of your way. Sure.

- I am so hungry. Thank you. Mm.

It's been such a long time

since I've had a good servicing.

You know what I mean? Ha, ha.

Pass me the ketchup. Please.

You know,

I didn't bring you on this trip to babysit you.

You are on this trip because of me.

Because of my car and my money.

What's left of it. So you just watch your mouth.

Yeah, I'm too busy watching you screw

crusty old men in dirty hotel rooms.

Oh, God, here we go. You gonna blame me

for everything, like always?

I do. I blame you for shoving me

out of a hotel room last night...

...and letting me sleep outside like a dog.

You're on your second Bloody Mary.

It's not even 1O a.m.

This is vegetables.

I blame you for packing up your sh*t and making

me come home from school when I was 10...

...and finding an empty room,

that's what I blame you for.

You know how shitty that was for a little kid?

You left me all alone.

- Your parents were there.

It's not the same.

You were my best friend,

and you just left me.

I'm probably gonna need a tetanus shot

because I got nipped by a raccoon last night.

All right. Tammy, I know I've done

some wrong things in my life...

...but you don't know everything.

I know I don't need you,

and I don't need your money.

- But I'm gonna take your car.

- What?

- Let's see how you like getting left.

- Don't you leave me here.

You cannot leave me here.

You come back here.

All right, now sit down.

Anybody wanna screw my grandma?

Just get her a drink.

- Hi, Mom.

Tammy, put Grandma on.

Uh, she's in the bathroom right now.

Tammy, she left all of her pills here.

High blood pressure, heart, everything.

She's diabetic.

She cannot go unmedicated.

Do you understand what I'm saying?

- I get that.

- Listen to me.

She thinks she can handle it,

but she can't.

- Tammy.

- Yeah, I know she can't.

- Bye, Mom.

- I don't think you do, because you-

Tammy. Don?

Sh*t.

You gotta be kidding me.

One. Two.

One.

- Two.

- I told you you can't drink in here.

One. Two.

- I'm calling the cops.

- You don't have to call the cops. I got her.

- Oh. Well.

Look who came back.

Yeah. I came back.

- You did it, huh?

- What?

Drunk by 11.

Mm. Ah. What do I win?

Car ride with me.

Come on. I'm pretty sure you've had enough.

You know, this is real cherry.

And guess what my secret ingredient is.

Try some.

Is it whiskey?

No. It's whiskey. Ha-ha-ha.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes