Tammy Page #7

- Like me?

- Ha, ha.

- Personally, I prefer the term "labisian."

- We should talk about that shirt.

- Yeah, okay.

- I love this shirt.

- I know, but it's time to give it a little break.

- What are we gonna do for the party?

- Please don't wear that shirt to the party.

Uh-oh. You're gonna doll me up...

...and then I'm gonna have to be beating

the ladies off with a lesbian stick.

This is the time

This is the time

Now it's time to go

Mm. There you are.

Look at you. Oh, my gosh. Wow.

You look so softened.

Oh. I don't know.

Susanne made me put on Lenore's shirt.

It actually looks better on you than her.

Look at you. Oh, my gosh.

So nice.

Well, thanks.

Hey, I don't wanna be a bummer...

...but I just wanna say something

in a super-loving way...

...but could you not get shithouse tonight?

Oh. Sure. Easy-peasy.

- I mean it.

Okay.

- So you wanna dance?

- No, they'll probably think we're a couple.

- Oh, it's too late for that. Ha, ha. Come on.

Ha, ha.

- Look at you. I love it.

- Really?

I can't do nothin, girl

Without somebody gawkin'

I used to think that it was me

But now I see it wasn't

Peafly!Peafly!Peafly!

- Oh, I need your help with something.

- ls something hurting?

No, no, no.

Oh, my gosh, you're a little sweaty, huh?

- I'm killing it on the dance floor.

- I know, you're dancing hard.

Well, let's just try to glow less.

Cool off. Oh, my goodness.

Look who it is.

Hey, Tammy.

- What are you guys doing here?

- Pearl invited us.

Pearly, where's the dance floor and the bar?

Not in that order.

This way, baby.

Grandma.

- Sweetie, have fun. Bye.

- See you later, son.

Well, that was fast.

I gotta say, your mom and dad

have gotta have a real weird setup...

- ...because I don't get it.

- Heh.

They've actually been separated

for a long time.

And she's been sick for quite a while...

...and he still takes care of her...

...so it's kind of complicated.

Yeah. It's probably complicated.

- Anyway...

- Kind of spiffed up, aren't you?

I just put on, like, a shirt and pants.

I'm not...

Maybe a little aftershave?

Is that what I'm kind of smelling?

I put on some cologne.

- You put on man perfume to come and see me?

- No, I didn't put on ma-

Hmm? Ha, ha.

- I think you did.

Come on. I'm gonna get you a drink.

It's kind of a vanilla. Like a little...

It's not vanilla, it's regular. It's just-

I don't know.

- Come on.

I know. I know what it is.

You smell like a cookie.

Shut up. I don't smell like a cookie.

I think you do.

Come on.

Now you shouldn't even get into

Yeah. Oh.

Oh. Oh, oh, oh.

Yeah.

How you gonna do it

If you really don't wanna dance?

- Does that smell weird?

- No.

- I told you.

- Oh! You made me smell it.

- I told you.

- Why did I do that?

Because I told you, if somebody says,

"Does this smell weird?"-

- I don't wanna hit anybody.

- What was that?

It's a dog cookie. Ha, ha.

I mean, a dog biscuit.

You tricked me, Tammy.

It's because I'm tricky.

I actually don't think you're tricky.

You're kind of a straightforward person.

It's one of the things I like about you a lot.

Oh.

Thanks for bailing my grandma out.

It was really nice.

Of course.

But, I mean, anybody would have done it.

No, not really.

They wouldn't have. So it was...

Thanks.

Thanks.

Well, I'm glad I could help.

- I like your hair like this, by the way. It's nice.

- Oh.

I don't know.

Susanne did this weird clampy thing.

No, it's pretty.

You look really pretty.

Thanks.

I know this is stupid, but I'm still married.

And it's a shitty marriage...

...and it's over, but it wasn't all Greg's fault.

I was kind of an awful wife.

- You know, I just don't wanna add to the-

- No, it's okay.

- t's, you know- I'm sorry.

- No. Don't.

You're right. I didn't mean to, you know...

anyway-

You know, I get it.

You know, you get a little taste of Tammy,

and then you...

...kind of come clamoring back for more.

- You get it? Really? Ha, ha.

- Yeah.

I'm like a Cheeto. You can't eat just one.

Tammy, that's Lay's potato chips.

That's not Cheetos.

No, not for me. I love a Cheeto.

Tammy, Bobby. Come on, you two.

You're gonna wanna see this. Come on.

- Oh, all right.

- Okay.

Come on. Chop-chop.

We're coming.

Get your asses down here.

Hey, what did you do with the Jet Ski?

Viking burial. It's trashed.

Viking burial.

Viking burial!

Okay. Would you like to do the honors?

It's your craft.

Yeah, but you love blowing sh*t up, so...

Yeah, I do. God help me, I do so love it.

- Go, baby.

- Get on, Lenore.

The tribe has spoken.

Although we did not have the opportunity...

...to feel your mighty engines thrum

between our thighs...

...we salute your watery prowess...

...and we commend your spirit to Valhalla.

- Valhalla!

Valhalla!

Go, baby. Go, baby. Go, baby.

Viking burial!

Viking!

Viking burial!

Oh, lesbians! Attention, everybody.

- Oh, sh*t, Grandma.

Hi, my name is Pearl Baizen.

Excuse me.

And I wanna take this opportunity

to thank my cousin Lenore...

...and the beautiful Susanne

for this kick-ass party.

Yeah! Yeah.

Mm, mm, mm.

And I just wanna say happy Fourth of July!

Amen, Pearl. Amen.

All right, enough of that. Seriously, folks.

I wanna give a little birthday gift to America.

I don't know how old America is right now,

but I just wanna say...

...happy birthday, America.

- Beep.

- Sh*t.

Do it again!

- Yes.

- Those are beauties. Really beauties.

Let's go. You're done.

You're done. You're drunk.

What the f*** did you do?

Go get me another drink right now.

You said you weren't gonna drink.

I said I wasn't gonna drink.

Get me a drink. Come on.

May I introduce my granddaughter,

Hamburger? What are you doing?

Cheeseburger, sorry.

She's actually Cheeseburger.

He)', hey, hey. What? What?

- Don't tell me what to do.

- Just get off the-

I don't want some fat loser

telling me what to do.

You're just being an a**hole

because you're drunk, and it's not okay.

Hey, we're all drunk, Tammy.

- She didn't mean anything by it.

- I absolutely do mean it.

I totally understand. I don't blame Greg.

I would leave her too. I mean,

I wouldn't want anything to do with her.

Look at her.

Come on, everybody, people. Oh...

Look at that. Ugh. What?

What?

At least I didn't try to f***

my daughter's husband.

- How'd you know about that?

F*** you.

What?

- Always something with her.

You f***ing drunk.

Okay. We're having fun.

- All right, let's get the party going.

- Why's everybody being so quiet?

We gotta go. Here we go.

What? What? All right.

What did I say? What did I say?

Thank you, Sanne, everybody. Whoa.

There you are.

I've been looking all over creation for you.

Quite a show you two put on.

I didn't start anything.

Well, you sure finished it, though,

didn't you?

What was I supposed to do? Just stand there

while she said shitty things to me?

- t's not fair.

- What the hell does fair have to do with it?

I got a big news flash for you, Tammy.

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