Ted 2 Page #12

- The doctors will do everything they can,

but I need you to go to

the waiting area now, please.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

What's the status?

He was stable a minute ago,

and now he's unresponsive.

The monitor says he's in asystole.

He's not breathing, no pulse.

Start compressions.

Prepare to intubate.

Give him a milligram

of epinephrine.

I'm sorry. Um...

He didn't make it.

What?

Johnny.

If you'd like, you can go in

and say your good-byes.

Aw, Johnny.

You were my thunder buddy.

You were my thunder buddy

for life.

And you gave up your own life

to save mine.

The only problem is,

I don't know how

my life works without you.

Good-bye, John.

I got you, motherf***er!

Holy sh*t! He's a zombie!

He's a f***ing zombie!

I totally f***ing got you.

Holy sh*t!

You should have

seen your f***ing face.

- You son of a b*tch!

- That was f***ing classic.

Wait, wait, wait.

This is payback because I made you think...

- that I was retarded.

- You made me think you were retarded!

Oh, well done!

Well done, man.

High five. High five.

What the f*** is going on?

What's going on, is this guy

just won the bullshit comedy blue ribbon.

You are the f***ing greatest, man.

Holy sh*t!

Wait, wait.

How was the doctor in on it?

They got me out of it with the paddles.

I was totally fine.

I talked him into

going along with the bit.

Hey, Doc, it worked out hilarious.

Thanks.

No problem.

We're a fun hospital.

You a**hole!

You think this sh*t is funny?

I put a frowny face on Facebook.

How am I supposed to explain that to everybody?

You could change your relationship

status from "single" to "it's complicated."

You're gonna have to do

a lot better than that.

How about...

"In a relationship

with John Bennett"?

Well, we'll have

to talk about that.

Okay, well, good talk.

Hey, if you guys wanna bang,

me and Teddy can totally leave the room.

No, no, honey, honey.

They're classy.

They're not like us.

They're good people.

I'm happy to see everyone

has made a full recovery.

Mr. Meighan.

What the hell?

Sh*t!

- Is it all right if I come in?

- Sure, yeah.

- How are you feeling, John?

- I'm alive.

You're very lucky.

I saw what you did on TV.

Yeah, he saved my ass

is what he did.

You know why?

Because he's a person.

And no matter how many of you smart-ass

Harvard lawyers try to keep him down...

you're not gonna change that...

Not in our eyes.

Ted is real.

So you can go f*** yourself.

I will.

And as soon as I'm done

f***ing myself,

I'd like to take your case, Ted.

What?

Seriously?

Oh, my God!

You heard that?

- Oh, my gosh!

- I don't believe it!

Maybe we don't want you now.

- Shut up.

- No, yeah, we want you. For sure, we want you.

What made you change your mind?

When I saw

what John did for you...

That he was willing

to give his life for yours...

It gave me a kick in the ass.

Reminded me of why I chose

to do the kind of work I do.

I'm sorry I turned you away.

I was wrong.

As far as I'm concerned,

anyone who can inspire

that kind of love in another person...

deserves to be called human.

Oh, you mean it?

I certainly do.

So, shall we get started?

What defines a person?

What defines property?

What's the difference?

The anthropologist

and ethicist Dawn Prince-Hughes...

argues that the standards

for personhood...

include self-awareness,

an ability to understand

complex emotions...

and a capacity for empathy.

We're all in agreement

that Ted is self-aware.

What is your name?

Ted Clubber Lang.

As for complex emotions

and the capacity for empathy,

we all saw

the distressing images...

of Ted agonizing over his fallen friend,

John Bennett.

In those images,

Ted exhibits all of the remaining qualities...

of personhood.

It's right there

for anyone to see.

And I believe that a just court must,

by definition,

grant basic human rights

to all those who deserve them,

just as

the Emancipation Proclamation...

and the Thirteenth Amendment did

so many years ago.

So, ladies and gentlemen

of the court,

I invite you...

to change the world.

Well, Johnny, this is the second time

you've made me real.

Thanks, pal.

Hey, you were always real to me,

buddy, even when you weren't.

Congratulations, Ted.

Thanks, Sam.

Ted, over here!

Ted!

This is quite a victory for you.

Is there any statement

that you'd like to make,

now that

you're legally a person?

Yes, there is.

Tami-Lynn McCafferty,

will you marry me?

Yes.

And so our story

comes to an end.

Ted and Tami-Lynn

were married once again,

and soon afterward,

they adopted a fine, young baby boy.

Johnny,

meet your new godson,

Apollo Creed Clubber Lang.

Teddy, he's adorable.

Oh, and we got something for him too.

John, show him.

Oh, sh*t, yeah.

- Hold on.

- He got you something.

Aww!

Huh?

Oh, Johnny!

Johnny, it's perfect.

Hey, you know, maybe someday,

if you wish hard enough, maybe he'll come to life,

and you guys can do

all kinds of drugs together.

That's all I want for him.

Oh! It smells like

somebody's got a poopy diaper.

Teddy, it's your turn

to change him.

Yeah, no problem.

Aw, f*** me!

What's the matter?

That can't be normal.

He's got to be sick.

He's not sick.

It's just baby doody.

Yeah, that's

what babies do, Teddy.

You don't think

this diaper's gross? No.

All right, here. Catch.

Teddy, what the f***?

Holy sh*t!

You motherf***er!

Hashtag "Sh*t happens."

Mean ol' moon

It must be fun

To shine upon me

As I come undone

Till I'm all alone

Beneath the sun

You mean ol' moon

With your beam

You led the way

And found me love

I thought was here to stay

Then you went and took

my love away

You mean ol' moon

Oh, you mean ol' stars above

The games that you play

with me

I could find some happiness

If all of my nights

were cloudy

Mean ol' moon

I hope it's true

You're taking all the light

that's left in you

And savin' it up

For you-know-who

You mean ol' moon

Mean ol' moon

I hope it's true

You're taking all the light

that's left in you

And saving it up

For you-know-who

You mean

Ol' moon

Oh, you mean

Ol' moon

Rate this script:3.9 / 8 votes