Telstar: The Joe Meek Story Page #7

Beneath the stars I play my guitar

Just like Eddie

Woo-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh

Woo-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh

Whenever you're sad Whenever you're blue

Whenever your troubles are heavy

Beneath the stars You play your guitars

Just like Eddie

Woo-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh

Woo-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh

Come on everybody...

Note, sir.

Thought it might be important.

Patrick! Find him, it's bloody important.

I don't care what he's doing.

This is bollocks.

No, this is serious.

This French composer bloke is claiming Telstar was stolen

from his film score.

- I've never even heard of this French bastard, Bernard.

- Thanks, Geoff.

Mum's the word, yeah?

I have just won the Ivor Novello Award!

- I'm going back to bed.

- I'm sorry, Joe.

The Major says the matter's quite severe. You're being sued.

Hurry up, keep lookout.

OFFICER TUTS:

Why don't we step outside, eh?

CROWD CHEERING:

- Fantastic.

- That was great, they were ecstatic.

Stay out of my light.

I'm the star of the show, so stay out of my f***ing light.

And don't play so fast. And you, fatboy, building a shed in there?

Sounds like it.

- Oi!

- Hey, lighten up, mate, I thought it went all right.

If you say one word to me, on-stage or off-stage again,

you're off the tour. Got it?

All right, laughing boy.

Sounded all right, how did it go?

You two, tarts, f*** off. What's your game, then?

Whoa, whoa, lighten up. What's the matter with you?

- I saw you nicking my act.

- Do what?

You know what I'm talking about, standing on top of the piano.

That's my act, get your own f***ing moves!

JESS LAUGHS You dozy prat.

We've all nicked the f***ing act.

It's Presley's act, we've all nicked it.

Sorry, ladies, the gentleman was just leaving.

You what?!

Allow me to rephrase.

This tone deaf, peroxide nancy boy

ponce was just on his way out the door.

Get your f***ing hands off me, know who I am?

Argh!

- CHAS:

- Go on!

- CLEM:

- Go on. Go on, Jess!

I'll show you some f***ing moves!

HEINZ SCREAMS:

You bit my nose off!

You are off the tour as of now and you are never to...

SCREAMS INCOHERENTLY

- You heard what he said. F*** off.

- You what?

- F*** off and take these two slags with ya.

- What about my whistles?

- Don't worry about that. F*** off!

- Ladies. Gentlemen.

- See ya, Jeff.

- See ya later.

- See ya soon, mate.

- Well, that was really clever(!)

- Well done.

- Yeah, brilliant.

- Brilliant. Yeah. You f***ing wanker.

- F*** off.

- Idiot.

Oh, look, the lawyer's here.

Robert George Meek, you will appear at 9.00am at Highgate magistrates

on charges of importuning, sir.

If you do not have counsel, we will appoint counsel for you.

Thank you for a wonderful evening.

PHONE RINGS:

Islington police station.

In the papers, uh!

What about my poor mother?

Lionel, what about home? Oh.

It's Jeff on the phone, he can't make it either.

He's taking his mum to the doctors.

Having a good clear out then? That's good.

I've put some toast on. Do you want tea?

Coffee it is.

- It's paranoia.

- He's just being careful.

- He's just being mental.

No-one is spying on him. It's all in his head.

My idea has somehow ended up on the wireless?

- You think someone's stealing tapes?

- Or worse.

And all that pledging allegiance bollocks, it's like being in the f***ing Scouts.

- "Akela, we..."

- No, that's the Cubs.

My point is, no-one's bugging the place, are they?

He's just making everyone else as paranoid as he is.

How should I know?

You could be throwing us off the scent. You could be the spy?

- I f***ing ask you.

- I'm not saying you are, I'm just saying you could be.

He thinks we're all talking about him behind his back!

We are!

- I can hear talking in there and I don't want to.

- Sorry, Joe.

- Sorry, Joe.

All right. 1, 2, 3 and then drop.

Oh, bollocks.

Why are we doing this?

- Novelty Records always get to No 1, don't they?

- Yeah.

Well, I ain't a novelty musician.

He's just trying to get us another hit so we can all get paid.

Well, some of us are doing all right, aren't they? Who had the last hit?

Mr blond rinse with his Eddie business. That was months ago.

Top Ten, No 5, mate.

There's no way that that record made the money that Joe has spent on him.

No way! I'm not just talking about publicity. He's got a f***ing boat!

I mean, Adam Faith hasn't even got a boat.

There's me, my arse is hanging out of my trousers

and he's poncing about on a boat.

So what's your point?

My point is. If that's where all the money's going,

there's little chance of us getting paid, is there?

Especially not dropping marbles in a f***ing khazi.

- I'm ready for another take.

- 1...

Three coins in the sewer

They fell down the drain...

It's your turn to fish them out.

CRASH:

Don't panic Napoleon, I'm just looking for my fags.

Look, there. Woodbines.

- Woodbines in a bass drum.

- For f***'s sake!

- In a bass drum.

Yeah, I've been poking around with your echoes and stealing your tapes

- and I live in a big f***ing house with Phil f***ing Spector.

- Why?

Clem, why?

You are going mad.

Can't you see what you are doing? You're ruining this for all of us.

Get out you f***ing Judas.

- You tone deaf, mad old bastard!

- Go on then, f*** off!

You see if you can get a gig once I put the word out on you.

I already am, mate. I'm doing this new band The Kinks on Wednesday. They're really f***ing good.

The Kinks, my arse!

Go on, f*** off and play with those nobodies! You fat b*tch!

SMASHING:

I'm sorry, it's the neighbours.

Em, I think you'll find if you arrive at any hotel with this,

you'll be treated with great care and courtesy.

Do you want to buy a handbag? Go on then, darling. Go on then.

And of course underneath, there is space for all your essentials and intimates.

I'm sorry. My mum was having her bad toe off.

I pledge allegiance to RGM and everyone who works here.

- Who are they?

- That's Blaikley and Howard.

What are we recording?

Snakeskin bag at a specially reduced...

Brenda - I mean, Miss Murphy. We're going to try elsewhere.

- But I...

- But you promised me a snakeskin,

- otherwise I never would have let you do that.

- Shut up, shush!

BANGING:

- You dirty old bastard.

- Give her one for me, eh!

Ah! Ah! Stop it! Stop it! Stop!

No, I'm not having this. Stop it, stop it, stop! Argh!

- Where's Joe?

- I'm afraid Joe doesn't...

- Balls, where is he?

Oh, I'm sorry, sorry!

Right everyone, I think I've got everything I need, go and get a cup of tea, go on.

Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. Honey, you look lovely

Well done, boys, you've written a hit!

Thanks, Joe.

See you in the charts!

Alan, vino before the opera.

Oh, 5:
30.

Honestly, Joe! You just frightened off two of my customers!

- It was just the chorus.

- I don't care what it was.

This spot's always been good for passing trade.

We've got a lovely gold leaf polished window.

Since that thing in the papers.

Business is slow and there's no polite way of putting this, Joe,

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