Tenacious D in The Pick of Destiny Page #2

---

Cool.

I'm working on my solo album

right now.

Aaah.

Yeah, Kyle Gass Project.

It's got some pretty, uh,

breakthrough sh*t on it.

Trying to keep it

on the hush-hush, though.

Man, if you need a singer,

I am so there.

Check it out.

## Ride the tiger! ##

## You can see his stripes

but you know he's clean ##

lt's a Ronnie James Dio song.

Yeah. I know.

I helped write it.

I jam with him all the time.

No way!

- You do not know Dio!

- Sure.

I know all the dudes

from Sabbath.

- Dude?

- Mm?

Ls there any way that

maybe I could audition...

to be in the Kyle Gass Project?

Hm. Maybe.

Oh ho ho ho!

You gotta get your chops up,

though...

if you wanna shred

with the big dogs, son.

You got a lot to learn.

Will you teach me your ways?

I will teach you.

Go ahead and sleep

on the power couch.

Your training begins tomorrow.

At the crack of noon!

Um...

## lt could have been disaster ##

## Till the pupil found his master ##

## Something rhymes with master ##

## He's teaching

him in the ways of rock ##

Lesson number one.

Power slide.

## Aaaah ##

lt's just slidin' on your knees.

Is it?

Or is it the single

most powerful stage move...

in any rocker's arsenal?

Oh.

Gimme a power slide.

Full throttle.

No fear.

I'll give you a power slide.

- How'd that feel?

- Really good.

How did it look?

Amazing...

...ly bad.

## Doo-doo-doo-

mm-doodle-diddum-doo-doo ##

## I'm cleaning this apartment ##

## 'Cause it's gonna

help me, maybe ##

## Get into

the Kyle Gass Project ##

## Roodle-oodle-doo,

roodle-oodle doo ##

## Roodle-oodle-doo-doo-doo ##

Hey, what's this check

for 200 bucks?

Oh, gimme that.

That's a royalty check.

Why's it say,

"I love you, pumpkin" on it?

Well, um, it's the name

of a song.

Big hit in Canada.

Get back to work.

Whoa, check out that superfox!

Do you think you can

handle a woman like that?

I think so.

Well, you'd better know so...

'cause there's gonna be

ten times hotter ones...

backstage at the Kyle Gass Project.

Really?

Sex is a crucial component

to the Kyle Gass Project.

Now drop

and give me one cock push-up.

What's a cock push-up?

What's a cock push-up?

A cock push-up, my friend, is

where you lay on your stomach...

and lift yourself off the ground

with nuthin' but your boner.

No problem.

The cock is a muscle.

You gotta learn how to flex it.

From now on, I want you to do

one cock push-up a day...

every day.

- It hurts my cock.

- Keep at it. You never know...

when you'll need to f*** your way

out of a tight situation.

Whoo!

## Ding-ding-a-ding-

ding-a-ding-ding-ding ##

## His fingers move

with blinding speed ##

## Within my mind

he'll plant the seed ##

## I'm proud to be

amongst his learned flock ##

## He teaches me ##

## Beseeches me ##

## And when I've learned

all of his lessons ##

## Then I'll know the

ancient secrets of his rock ##

Aaah.

Yeah.

Oh oh oh, yeah!

I f***ing did it!

Oh, I did it!

Hey. Dude, you reached KG.

You know what to do. Uhhh.

Dude, pick up.

Dude, it's Jables. Pick up, man.

- Yeah.

- Yeah! Ha ha ha!

I did it, man. Check it out.

You hear that?

The training is working, man.

I made ten whole bucks

with my rock!

Good. Go score me a dime bag.

A what?

Ten dollars' worth of weed.

Now, listen.

Go down to Wake & Bake Pizza...

Ask for Jojo.

Tell him you want

the Bob Marley extra crispy.

He'll know

what you're talking about.

All right, dude. Roger that.

One extra crispy coming up!

Stone Age man

now had the muscle power...

and mental power necessary

to evolve to new heights.

He then found the means

to harness...

an even greater energy source.

The animals and creatures around him.

Hmm.

Animal power would give him the food...

and transportation, the clothing

and entertainment...

- needed for his long journey.

- Dude, turn it to Channel 14.

In Search of Sasquatch is on.

When you are able to snatch

this remote from my hand...

you will be ready to choose

the channels we watch.

Try to snatch it.

Aah, f***!

Patience, young grass smoker.

Patience.

Welcome to the gig simulator.

If you pass this test,

your training is complete.

You will be ready to audition

for the KGP.

The what?

Kyle Gass Project?

Oh, right, right.

Hold on.

Aaah.

Here's your 'za. That'll be 15.50.

- Cool.

- Hey.

Aren't you the guitar guy

from the boardwalk?

- Yeah.

- I'm Lee.

- Kage.

- Whoa!

You guys puttin' on a concert?

Can I watch?

- Half off the pie?

- Dealio.

Right on. Come on in.

Hu...

Um... I don't know

if that's such a good idea, KG.

Uh, I'd rather not do this

in front of strangers.

What do you think

it's going to be like...

when we play the Coliseum?

No strangers allowed?

OK.

Let the simulation begin.

Uh... Ha ha. All right.

So, should I sing a song?

Hey, sing something, douchebag!

OK.

You know what? I wanna start

off... offstage and come out...

'cause that's the way

I like, imagine it.

Just... just come

in from the wings.

Ladies and gentlemen,

the Kyle Gass Project!

Aaah!

Hey, what's up? I'm JB

from the Kyle Gass Project.

Get on with it, dumb sh*t.

All right, Kage,

let's do it, man. Two, three.

## The Kyle Gass a-Project

is a-out of control! ##

## All right! ##

Get off the stage,

you stupid dillweed.

## He'd turn me to a diamond

from a piece of coal ##

## Yeah yeah yeah ##

Boo!

Boo! Boo!

Boooo!

Go back to Kickapoo,

you fat-ass momma's boy!

Boo!

## You're teaching me

the secrets of the pumpkin patch ##

- Boo!

- Ow! Aah!

- Boo!

- Urgh.

Hey, that's really...

- Hey! You suck!

- You suck! Suck! Suck!

Jesus. You call that music?

You're nothing but a mistake.

I should have worn a condom.

I was not a mistake.

Power slide.

Aaagh! Aaah, aaah!

- He's had enough. Turn it off.

- Aagh. Aaaah!

Lights!

- Oooh.

- Hey, hey, it's OK.

- I suck!

- You don't suck.

I broke my guitar!

Monster mash!

Nobody passes the gig simulator

on the first time.

Not even this guy.

You didn't?

But then you did pass it later?

I passed later, but, you know,

took me a couple of tries.

- Oh, you did? I was doing...

- You know you can do it.

- It was going pretty good.

- Right.

Until I got... until I got to the...

When I messed up on that thing.

Let's clean this place up.

What do you say?

And then we'll do bongloads

and play Maximum Overthruster.

- Hey, dude, it's KG.

- Do some bongloads?

You know what to do. Uhhh.

Hi, pumpkin. It's your mother.

Your father and I have decided...

that 15 years of trying to be a famous

musician is long enough.

So I'm sorry to say...

we aren't going to be sending

you any more rent checks.

It's time to get a real job.

I love you, pumpki...

"I love you, pumpkin"?

Those weren't royalty checks.

I can't believe this machine, it's...

Let's watch TV, you wanna?

You lied to me.

- You don't know Dio.

- Hey!

I think that In Search

of Sasquatch is on.

- Hold on.

- Give me that f***ing remote.

No! Leave it!

Rate this script:5.0 / 2 votes