Thank Your Lucky Stars Page #5

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- Speak up.

- Everybody knows Mr. Cantor's generosity.

- There you are.

- What was I yesterday?

- Yeah.

- Nothing, nobody.

- Nobody.

- What am I today?

- What?

A star. And you wanna know why?

- Go on, tell them, son.

- I'll tell you why.

Because this man, the soul of generosity,

took me, an unknown kid...

...without an audition.

Took me and signed me up to a contract.

The boy is right. He's absolutely ri...

Contract? What are you talking about?

What kind of a contract?

- I've got it right with me, boss.

- Well, who-?

- Nobody's going around insulting Eddie.

- No, no, no.

Not while he's got me

for a hundred bucks.

Say, this is a contract.

Silly of me to forget.

Oh, Olaf.

That's all right.

You've got plenty on your mind.

Plenty. Olaf, this young man

has a contract with me.

Let's show him inside, shall we?

Don't trouble yourselves, Eddie.

Oh, no trouble at all, eh, Olaf?

It's a pleasure.

I'll see you in a minute, gentlemen.

Tommy's been in there

quite a while now.

- I wonder how he's coming out.

Stay out of here.

Gentlemen, have you reached a decision?

Oh, yes. Yes, Mr. Cantor, we have.

- And against our better judgment...

- We must have Dinah Shore.

So we have decided to make you

chairman of the benefit committee.

But it is clearly understood the position

is entirely honorary...

...and you are not to interfere

with the show.

Me interfere with the show? Me...?

If I interfere, I hope I never take

a bow again as long as I live.

Why, I won't even come to rehearsal.

One, two

Now you're dancing

One, two, watch your tempo

Play that music

Pizzicato

You girls get over there

Hold that tempo

Now, girls, follow me

One, two, three, four

Look. Look. Look what he does

with that beautiful music...

...and my orchestration.

Your orchestration.

What about my dance routine?

- He's ruined it. He's ruined it, I tell you.

- I know it.

And why? Because you had to make him

chairman of the committee.

And why?

Because you had to have Dinah Shore.

Please don't blame me

with your blaming.

Blame you? Who's blaming you?

I am. That's who.

Please. Well, why don't you insult him

like we discussed it?

Why don't you insult him

like we discussed it?

I will tell you.

Because you are more disgusting than me.

Is that so?

Who do you think you are anyway?

Wait a minute, girls. Hold everything.

Boys, stop playing the music.

Stop the music.

Gentlemen, you are ruining my rehearsal.

Your rehearsal? Our rehearsal.

You're ruining our rehearsal.

But, boys, what have I done?

We had this number rehearsed and perfect

four hours ago.

And then you came into the picture.

And let me tell you, we're about fed up

with you and your interference.

Fed up, do you hear me? Up to here.

- Aren't we, doctor?

- Higher.

You see?

I can't understand it.

You should thank me for coming.

The music was bad.

The lighting was no good.

But one thing I will say,

who designed that costume?

- That's my work. I did.

- Congratulations.

Someone should give you a hotfoot

up to here.

Higher.

- What's that animal it shouldn't happen to?

- A dog.

That's it.

Now, girls, we'll try it again.

Boys, close your curtains.

I wanna keep this very intimate.

Come down here.

This will be the biggest thing

I've ever done.

And I've done some big things.

Sometimes I even frighten myself.

Now, listen to me.

We've got to do something about Cantor.

We gotta get rid of him. You take him

away someplace and talk to him.

- Oh, no.

- Talk to him.

I don't want to talk to him. No, no.

He told me today three times

the story of his life. No. No, no, no.

The story of his life?

Why, that's it.

That is it. The story of his life.

Doctor, you're a genius.

Naturally.

Keep the line straight. You're doing fine.

It's by accident. That's it.

Mr. Cantor.

- Yes, sir.

- You're wanted on the telephone.

- Thank you, son. Son?

Hello? Just a minute, please.

- Who's winning?

- I am.

I've got half of your game. Yes?

Mr. Cantor,

this is Colonel Robert E. Jefferson...

...of the Montgomery Post Gazette, sir.

Yes, sir.

Look, I'm a very busy man

and I'm not doing any advertising this year.

We allow as how you're very busy, sir...

...but what we all down...

Down here wants from you all up there...

...is the complete story of your life, sir.

My life?

A pleasure, colonel. I'll make it brief.

Just pull up a chair.

You begin right at the beginning, sir,

and don't omit any of the details...

...no matter how boring they may be, sir.

Yes, sir.

Fine. Well, colonel, my ancestors crossed

the plains in the first covered wagon.

If you ever saw my ancestors, you'd

understand why the wagon was covered.

Ha-ha-ha. Don't print that.

- I was born in September...

- Psst. Boy.

Yes.

- Tell Dr. Schlenna to put...

...that Jack Carson-Alan Hale number

on right away.

The Carson-Hale number, Dr. Schlenna.

Weren't you on the bill with me

In Dallas?

Or was it the Palace?

Or was it the Strand?

Didn't you have a blond with you

Named Alice?

Yes, that was in Dallas

And wasn't she grand?

I know your face, it's a face in a million

Shake, brother, shake

With a brother vaudevillian

- Hello. Hello.

- Hello. Hello.

You look all ready to go

But where you're goin' to go

I certainly wish you'd let me know

- Goodbye. Goodbye.

- Goodbye. Goodbye.

A happy follow am I

And though you'll call me an awful sap

Who? Me?

I found a wonderful spot on the map

I'm goin' North

He's goin' North

Not talkin' about South

Not talkin' about South

Not talkin' about West

One place he loves best

I'm shoutin'

I don't wanna live without the...

- Why don't they write a song about the...?

- North

- You heard him say North

- Not talkin' about East

He never mentioned East

I just wanna feast

Oh, boy, what a feast

- These eyes on Syracuse and Albany

- Buffalo and Schenectady

North is my favorite direction

Pointin' to the State of Maine

Pardon me, boy

If that's the Chattanooga Choo Choo

Well, I guess I must be

On the wrong train

- Because I'm heading

- North

I think you mean it

I've been back and forth

You've really seen it?

Oh, Mother

You can take a rock and slam me

If I should ever call you Mammy

Way up North

- Two, three, four

- Two, three, four

- Six, seven, eight

- Six, seven, eight

Stop, I'm goin' North

He's still goin' North

Too lazy down South

Hates the sugar cane in his mouth

Too lonely out West

Pardner, get it off your chest

I can't begin to tell you how I love the...

- Cities and states and counties of the...

- North-

He knows his own mind

Northeast will not do

He's quite particular

Northwest gets me blue

He's perpendicular

Head straight

For Saskatoon, Saskatchewan

Labrador and on and on to the North

That's my favorite direction

Pointin' up to Hudson Bay

Pardon me, boy

But when the midnight choo-choo leave

For Alabama

I won't be goin' your way

- Because I'm headin'

- North

He'll never have a famine

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