That Awkward Moment Page #5

looks like a snowman's nose.

Can you stop?

Second of all,

Mmm-hmm. I thought

you worked tonight?

She might come by the hospital.

No.

Mikey, I love your

thinking on this, man.

The work-date combination.

It's very impressive.

Yeah.

I'm just thinking on my toes.

He knows sh*t, man.

It's casual.

It's innovative.

I love your work, man.

I love that jacket.

Where are you going tonight?

I have a pretty big

night ahead of me.

I'm playing the incredibly wealthy Mr.

Von Ferrington.

That's so awesome!

You're role playing.

You're committing.

Exactly. What

are you doing?

I'm going to

meet up with Chelsea

and see what we can make happen.

Again?

Why is she always hooking

you up with girls?

Have you looked in the mirror?

Have you looked at me?

I'm the most attractive.

So it's the easiest.

Come on.

Yeah! That's why.

Guys, in high school, I was voted

most likely to have the best eyes.

That's just not true.

So...

Yeah, right.

You idiot.

Do you know that

James Harper lived here'?

Really? He used to

be the mayor of New York.

You've really chosen a wonderful

property to look at Mr. Von...

Ferrington.

Ferrington.

Von Ferrington.

Von Ferrington.

I mean, this is one of the

finest properties in the city.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Look at the parquet floors that

are all inlaid and original.

And this.

Let me show you this.

Unfettered access

to the private park

is, of course, one of the finest

things about living on Gramercy.

Unfettered?

Unfettered.

And now further, I'd like you to

take a look at this wrought iron.

Lattice wrought iron

which is the original.

Original?

And we have in here a beautiful,

beautiful, beautiful chandelier,

which is cut crystal.

You'll notice all of the

detail on the ceiling.

Now the Obasan rug is

original of the period.

And we have over there

a stained glass window.

Let's go.

Why?

Look at the detail

on this poster here.

Let's go, let's go, let's go!

I'll explain later.

Oh, here, the kitchen.

Quick! The old

woman's coming!

Hello?

Won't we get caught?

I don't think so.

Let's go.

Hello?

Mr. Ferrington?

Hello?

Whoa, whoa. Slow down. Slow down.

Just walk normal.

What do you mean walk...

You're walking like a criminal.

What? This is how I walk.

I'm not a criminal.

But I am.

We have to go. Let's go!

Hello?

Hello?

Okay. You said

we need to talk.

Nobody says, "We need to talk,"

unless it's

really bad news, right?

No, no, no.

And my grandmother

had ovarian cancer.

No, no, no. You're fine,

you're fine, you're fine!

The tests they ran indicated

nothing out of the ordinary.

I have all the symptoms.

Baby, you're fine.

You're fine. You're okay.

Come here'

What was that message then?

Come here. No, no.

Come here.

Okay. I am sorry.

I just wanted to talk.

Oh, my God.

You are such an idiot.

You are such an idiot.

Yes.

Just... Just...

Just come sit down. Okay?

Oh, God.

Breathe. Breathe.

Oh, God, I thought I was dying.

Yeah. You thought

you were dying.

That was me.

Where did we go wrong?

Like, what happened?

What happened to us?

What happened? I...

I mean, we got

married at 23 years old,

I just don't think at that

point you are ready for a life

without excitement

or spontaneity.

Spontaneity?

I mean, I'm spontaneous.

We didn't have sex

for almost six months.

You want spontaneous?

Hey.

Hi.

Are you sick or something?

No.

Those aren't going out clothes.

Well, who's going out?

I thought we were going out.

Oh!

That was pretty badass.

Mmm-hmm.

I can get fired for that sh*t.

You know, when I was a kid, I

used to love going to parks.

And my grandfather

used to take me every Sunday.

But my ex hated parks.

He thought they were

like too public or something.

He sounds like a real dick.

What? My ex?

Your grandfather.

So what happened

between the two of you'?

Well, I graduated from school

and I moved to New York.

And he took a job in Chicago.

And it was sort of like a

focus-on-your-work-life-first sort of thing.

They call us

the selfish generation.

What about you?

Who's the one that got you?

How dare you assume that I have

any emotional

capacity whatsoever?

Get out of my park.

No.

Get out.

No.

It's okay.

You can come back.

Damn it!

I was so not gonna do that.

I was gonna hold out.

I was gonna make you wait,

like, 40 days or something.

I was gonna make you wait, too,

but then I realized,

"I'm a dude."

Hey, guys. It's Fred.

Jesus! Fred, you're like

Reverse Elvis, you know.

Fred, you entered the building.

I love Elvis.

"Thank you, very much."

What's up, Fred?

Well, Ellie from Simon just sent

over the Matterhorn book cover.

And she wants us to do it?

Specifically.

Specifically?

- Specifically.

- Whoo!

I'll get in on that.

Right.

Come on.

Thanks, Fred.

Yeah.

All right.

Gonna do it!

Wait, okay, so let me

get this straight.

You have sex with this girl.

We get a job out of it?

Certainly seems that way.

And to think this whole time, we

thought that poor girl was a hooker.

Well, yeah.

But in reality, the only

prostitute here is you.

No one came again.

Again? Why don't you

get better authors?

Oh, you know, I never even thought of that.

Yes, I've tried that.

I've been trying.

Well, come by my place

after for a drink.

PH come by after.

I don't understand why you won't tell me.

Just tell me where you did it.

I'm not telling you,

so stop asking.

Why? You know you're gonna tell me.

You tell me everything.

I do. But I'm not

telling you this right now.

Why?

'Cause I'm whupping your ass.

You get all precious with this

stuff and you throw down,

and slap me in the mouth.

Whenever you start losing,

you just get upset.

Dude, did you just take

another sh*t in there?

No, I'm not.

Every time.

Why do you care so much about

what I'm doing in there?

I wasn't taking a sh*t.

You're

so disgusting. Dude.

Why do you guys care so much

what I do in the bathroom?

And I wasn't taking a sh*t.

Every time.

Yes, you...

Have a little faith. What

are you guys talking about?

Mikey won't tell me where

he had sex last night.

Oh, Mikey, where did you

have sex last night?

Why do you care so much

about where I had sex?

'Cause we're your friends.

We wanna know.

Where'd you have sex, Mikey?

The hospital.

With the glasses girl?

Are you serious?

Oh, my God! You Grey's

Anatomy motherf***er!

Mikey, that is awesome.

Dude, your wife never would've

had sex in the hospital.

She's too uptight.

Not in a million years.

I'm f***ing proud of you.

Really am proud of you.

Whoa! What is that?

I don't know.

You order food'?

I mean, we're all here.

I didn't order food. Did

you order food'? No.

Hey.

So. It's Ellie.

What the f***'?

Are you serious' dude?

Jason, this is a den

of testosterone, man.

This is a pre-game.

This is my apartment.

That's a good point.

It's not a good point. First of all,

guys, I just took a sh*t in there.

I knew it.

It's every time.

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