That Awkward Moment Page #7

Oh, goodness.

Oh!

That should not have happened.

That shouldn't have happened.

Yeah.

It's a cocktail.

Shouldn't have said that.

I'm just gonna go

and check the...

You know what?

Just excuse me one sec.

I've been looking

for a new emotion

I've been taken

with a new emotion I

Cheers!

No. I got to hand it

to you, man.

I'm impressed by the

way you hung in there.

I should have left. I

definitely should have left.

I guess I'm a sucker for abuse.

You must be.

You know the hardest part

about this costume?

It was seeing this thing

next to my actual dick.

I can only imagine.

I didn't know whether

to cry or go kill myself.

What are you laughing at, Bill?

I like this guy, Ell.

I like this guy.

Don't encourage him, Dad.

Don't encourage him.

So?

So?

What do Jason and

Mikey think about this?

What do you mean?

Well, I mean,

like, whatever we're doing.

What have you told them?

I mean, I told them everything.

Yeah. They're really

happy for you.

Sorry. They're

happy for me'?

They're happy for both of us.

They're just so happy

for the two of us.

That's what they... Yeah,

they're just really happy.

And Jason's taking it okay?

Yeah. I mean, he was

a little angry at first,

but now he's in the

fourth stage of grieving.

Denial?

Masturbation.

You know what's so cool?

When I'm being really

serious and you're like,

"Hey, I'm Daniel.

I'm, like, really funny."

I don't sound anything like that

You sound exactly like that.

"Hey, I'm Daniel."

You sound like you have

peanut butter in your mouth.

No.

What do you want me to say?

They think it's cool

that I'm slumming it?

Slumdogging?

No. Honestly, I'm just

happy you told them.

I know how you are with girls.

Or at least how you've been.

You know what'?

Your dad...

Awesome.

Well, he likes you, too, even

though you had that thing on.

Maybe that's why he liked me.

You know you don't have to

clear up anything.

You don't have to help.

No, I want to.

You can't wake up to this.

It's disgusting.

The apartment or you?

You've always hated me.

Just stop talking

for one minute.

I know it's really hard,

but you can just try.

You've always hated me.

Won't you come home,

I surrender

I miss my sweet bag of

bones, drunk and tender

Why don't you want

to stay here suspended

in the dead arms of

a year that has ended? A'

I'm gonna take a shower.

- Okay.

- Okay.

Last night was amazing.

And this morning.

Do you think you

could grow old in New York?

I'm not gonna get old.

Getting old looks so tiring.

I know. You just, like,

wake up in the morning

and have to figure out what

to do in between meals.

I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna get an old Jaguar

XK-E, completely restored.

And then I'm gonna

eat a ton of acid.

Like, so much acid that if you

went to go see Cirque du Soleil,

you'd think you

were in Connecticut.

And then I'm gonna speed up

the West Side Highway,

as fast as a car can go,

crash through the divider,

and careen off into the Hudson.

In slow-motion,

of course.

Of course.

And that would be it.

My death, premeditated.

Okay.

I mean, here's what's

actually gonna happen.

What?

You'll be 70 years old.

So you'll think

you're going 150,

but actually you're going

25 at best, 15 at worst.

You can't see, so the acid

you think you're eating

will actually be

an errant Lipitor.

You're going to forget what you were

doing in the car in the first place,

bump into the divider,

wet yourself, ruin the car,

lose your license, and your

dignity in one fell swoop.

And then you're gonna be ushered

off into some rest home,

where you have to

wake up in the mornings,

and figure out what the hell

to do in between meals.

You know, you don't have to be right

about everything all the time?

How's Ellie?

What do you mean?

What do you mean what do I mean?

Nothing.

What are you talking about?

What are you talking about?

So? What's up?

Nothing. Where's Chelsea?

What do you mean?

I mean, where is

Chelsea is what I mean.

I gotta talk to

you about Chelsea.

Oh!

What's going on?

Why are you so happy?

Yeah?

I can't be happy to

see my two best friends?

That's not a happy-to-see-your-

two-best-friends face.

No?

What is going on?

You're girl happy.

Look at me.

Did you bone again?

You boned again, didn't you?

No. What are you...

Did you?

No. That's ridiculous. Can you

stop looking at me like that?

You're a f***ing animal!

Yes, you did! Did you?

Did you? Hmm?

Who was it?

Glasses girl?

Was it?

Glasses girl.

Was it?

Hey! Oh!

Wow. Mikey.

It's the beginning of a

beautiful roster, buddy.

Yeah, man. I'm proud of you.

I'm proud of you.

Thank you.

I'm also proud of you.

Your phone is ringing.

Are you going to answer that?

No.

Mmm. You should.

It might be a hot

lonely girl looking

to talk to me,

but she has your number.

No. It's Ellie.

No, it's not.

I can read it. It's

right there on the bar.

It says, "Ellie." See that?

I'll get it later.

That's real mature.

Yeah. You should

answer it,

because she's your girlfriend.

It's... Yeah.

My girlfriend.

Oh, sh*t.

She's calling again.

Back to back?

Answer that phone! She might

need you to pick up diapers!

Or, like, tampons,

or something like that

I'm outwith you guys.

I'm not f***ing answering it.

Well, I'm gonna answer it.

I wish I wasn't.

Hey, Ellie! What's up? No, it's Daniel.

It's Jason's best man.

He just crossed a line.

It's his best man friend.

Best man? What are you talking about?

Uh-huh. Yeah.

All right.

Here he is. Here he is.

Hi.

Hi.

Hello. All strong arm-y.

You wanna strong arm me?

He gets so angry.

Yeah' Hello'?

I can hear you.

Ellie?

Oh, my God.

What? What's up?

Her dad just died.

Her dad died.

You have to.

It's not even a question.

You have to show up

at that funeral.

If I set foot anywhere near that

funeral, then we're dating.

Then don't go, dude.

What the f*** are

you talking about?

If he doesn't want

to go to the funeral,

why should he go to the funeral?

Are you not a human being?

Do you not have a soul?

Technically, she didn't

even invite me.

Technically? She has to

invite you to a funeral?

Yeah. What, he's supposed

to show up and say,

"Hey. I'm Jason. I'm actually

f***ing the dead guy's daughter"?

What're you talking about?

If anything, I'm just

gonna be a distraction.

It's like...

It's better than

being an a**hole. Okay?

It's better than

being an a**hole.

I know. I wish

I could be home, too.

Next year. I promise.

But happy Thanksgiving.

I miss you, too.

Tell Dad I say hello.

I love you, too.

Yeah, no. Take your time.

Take your time.

I'll be here.

Finishing up. Ah, yeah.

Here. That's set.

Oh!

Hey

I'm so glad you came.

You look great.

You look great.

Nice flowers.

Thank you. They're not for you.

They're for your grandma.

Grandma.

There you go.

I picked them myself on the way over.

No big deal.

God. She

is so sweet.

I see where you

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