That Darn Cat! Page #3

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happens to be next door to where I work.

But the point is, there used to be

five people in that car,

then Gregory traded in his sedan

for a two-seater sports car.

And Mr. Burke,

Miss Patters and Miss Mosely

were ruthlessly squeezed out

to find other transportation, correct?

- Now, listen...

- Creeping matrimony, that's what it is.

The car pool, the duck dinner,

a movie here and there.

Inky, you're taking the gas

and you don't even know it.

Thank you, dear,

I'm sure you mean well,

but I think I can handle

the Gregory situation

in my own bumbling way.

I'm sorry, but I suppose at your age,

when that important person

hasn't come into your life,

- well...

- Well, what?

Well, I suppose a tinge,

just the faintest tinge, of desperation,

begins to blow your judgment.

Good night.

I can assure you, there is no tinge

of desperation in my outlook.

- And my vision is exceptionally clear.

- Good.

Which, I might add,

brings us to your friends.

- My friends?

- Yes, dear.

The one we've been tripping over

all these years.

Canoe? That's very unfair.

Canoe is...

well, he's just defenseless.

He's very sweet and young, and...

...needs help.

- I certainly agree he needs something.

Doesn't he do anything

but mope around in shorts

- and eat us out of house and home?

- Just shows how little you know him.

- Canoe has plenty of ambition.

- What?

To be the first 50-year-old surfer

at Santa Monica?

If you ask me, he's...

What's the matter?

DC's wearing a wristwatch.

Well, what will that dear, sweet,

innocent cat be bringing home next?

The Hope Diamond, I imagine.

- Where do you suppose he got it?

- I don't know.

Probably some child slipped it on,

or some teenager put it on for a joke.

Good night. Check with lost and found

in the morning.

[Patti] Ingrid?

Look. Someone started to scratch

something on the casing.

See? "H-E,"

and that looks like part of an L.

H-E-L...

I'll bet somebody was trying to write

"help" and they were interrupted.

Somebody's in trouble.

What cooks in that wild

little head of yours now?

Somebody's in trouble.

I feel it in my bones.

You bet. Now get out and let me

go to sleep. I'm a working girl.

Don't you think

we ought to do something?

Good night.

Come on, DC, give.

Someone does need help, don't they?

I know you could find a way to tell me

if you really wanted to.

A smart cat like you.

You can be such a rat sometimes.

Don't say anything,

just point me towards the coffee.

What's wrong with you?

I didn't close my eyes once last night.

Oh, I've got huge dark circles

under my eyes.

- And me so young.

- What's bothering you?

I just couldn't stop thinking

about this watch.

Especially that pitiful

cry for help on the back.

Oh, you're not going to start that,

so help me...

You know, I thought

and thought and thought,

and I think I finally know the answer.

The watch belongs to her.

- The kidnapped woman?

- Yeah.

Come off it. How far out can you get?

Does it have a name?

- [Honking]

- No, but it's exactly the sort of watch

a woman like that would wear:

Feminine, yet...

bank tellerish, if you see what I mean.

Patti, you are absolutely impossible.

Have a nice day at the office, Inky.

You've got that terrible

butter-won't-melt-in-your-mouth

expression.

I know what's going on

in your little mind,

- and I forbid it.

- What do you mean?

You're not going to overdramatize this,

like you do everything else.

I absolutely forbid you to get

the police stirred up

with another of your hallucinations

about people in trouble.

You're not to go near

the police with that watch.

- Certainly.

- Bye.

- [Gregory] Good morning, Ingrid.

- Good morning.

Naturally, I wouldn't go to the police.

This is a job for the FBI.

May I help you?

- Yes, I'd like to see a, uh...

- We call them agents here.

- Yes, I'd like to see an agent.

- May I ask what about?

I have information

about one of your crimes.

- Thank you. Would you wait over there?

- Yes.

- These are for you, Mr. Hart.

- Thank you.

- I'm back at 11:00.

- Yes, sir.

- Morning, Hart.

- Good morning, Mr. Kelso.

- Hi, Vicky, anything for me?

- No, sir.

[Kelso] If Mr. Paul calls about

the bank records, put him through.

See you around.

- Is he an agent?

- Yes, he is.

- Nice face, hasn't he?

- Why, yes.

[Buzzing]

Yes, Mr. Ellender?

The messenger hasn't arrived yet.

I can put a tracer on it.

We haven't heard

from Denver all morning.

I'll connect you with Agent Morrow.

He's got the reports on that case.

[Phone ringing]

[Clearing throat]

Well, we've got 22 Howards

in Los Angeles County.

Better start right at the top.

Mr. Kelso, I have something to report

on one of your cases.

It's a family cat.

He's called DC.

That means "Darn Cat."

Daddy named him,

he called him something worse,

Mother won't let us use that.

Excuse me.

First, what is your name?

Patricia Randall,

808 Pendelton Avenue.

Uh-huh, and what is

this information you have, Miss Randall?

It's DC, our cat.

He likes to prowl around at night,

as cats do. Nothing wrong with that.

And he likes people, as a general rule,

if they're nice and give him food.

He goes back.

I think he has a regular route

to pick out food,

sort of like a milkman in reverse.

- And this relates to one of our cases?

- Yes. Yes, it does.

Last night

DC was out roaming around,

and stole a duck from Mr. Benson

down the street.

Ah, Miss, um, Randall...

I'm afraid that

that's a police matter.

You see, our jurisdiction is limited

to certain fields of investigation.

At the present time,

duck stealing is not one of them.

How about bank robbery

and kidnapping?

Maybe I'd better hear

the rest of your story.

Thank you.

Well, last night DC came home

wearing a wristwatch.

- Wearing a wristwatch?

- Yes.

- Instead of his collar.

- Oh.

And I couldn't help thinking what

I would do if I were poor Miss Miller,

held prisoner by two hoodlums,

- and a stray cat came wandering in.

- Mm-hm.

Don't you see? I'd try to put

something of mine on the cat as a clue.

Like a wristwatch, maybe even

try to scratch something on it.

Do you have this wristwatch?

Mr. Kelso, I knew you'd understand.

That's why I selected you personally.

Here.

You see, of course, on the back,

where she started to scratch

the word "help,"

- and was interrupted.

- Uh-huh.

"H-E..."

And that squiggle could be an "L."

Well, that doesn't quite

spell "help," does it?

She was wearing a wristwatch

at the time of her abduction.

We have only a superficial description.

- This may or may not be the watch.

- But wouldn't it be enough to start on?

I wonder if you could wait here

for just a few moments?

Of course. My entire day

is at your disposal.

Thank you, Miss Randall.

- It's a goofy idea.

- That's what I thought too, sir.

- The only thing is, I like it.

- You do, sir?

I don't like this paper chase

someone's leading us on.

Those 20-dollar bills from the bank

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