That Old Feeling Page #5

a marital crisis, are you?

Hey, she's still there,

isn't she?

She hasn't run off with some

morally bankrupt ex-lover!

You want my advice, Phil?

Do you? Shut up!

Okay? For once

in your life, shut up!

You have feelings about that?

We'll talk about it Monday.

It's over.

Someone will see them.

7:
00 tonight

it will be all over E.T.

My friends will know my

marriage is over and drop me.

Friends don't drop you

'cause you're single.

What planet are you from?

You know something? I have

just about had it with you.

You have no feeling

for your husband at all.

All you care is you're not

gonna get into La Bernadin...

like all the other

liposuctioned-up second wives.

Tell me. Is any of your face or

body original? Just curious.

You must make

a lovely therapist.

My marriage is ending, okay?

I am a nationally prominent

marital authority.

How is it going to look when my

own marriage crashes and burns?

Go back on drugs.

You are so at odds

with your shadow self.

Zip it. Ohh!

Have you done any... Come on, Alsace.

Get off of her.

He's not interested.

There's nothing there for you.

I don't understand.

You wouldn't. She just happened to

cancel her cards, just like that?

She's a very smart lady.

Why are we here?

I told you! Research!

At a tabloid?

Exactly. Hey, Lis!

Don't talk to me.

I'll pay ya back! Yeah!

Ah, women. You're just vamping.

Those cards were your

whole umbilicus to her.

"Umbilicus"?

Where'd you dig that one up?

Could you just explain this, please?

Your mom's sentimental.

I figure they went somewhere

they been before.

Being as her whole life

is right here on hard drive...

This is worse than the F.B.I.

Joey! Donna! Get off my desk!

Rufus, give me five minutes huh?

Five minutes. One!

You're the best.

You don't even work here.

I almost do.

They buy from me sometimes.

Well, your magnum opus.

I had a bad month, all right?

I needed new tires.

So you just expose her at her

most vulnerable for a quick buck.

Okay, here we go. Wedding day.

Tsk! Oh, you were cute!

H-How could that be me?

Wait, wait, wait.

I was already born

when they got married?

Where is this?

I know that pillar.

I spent four hours behind

that pillar waitin' for Cher.

Morally unconscious

party animals.

That's the Majestic Hotel!

That's it. That's it.

They lied. I'm...

A love child. Yeah. Welcome to the club.

Let's go.

Come on.

You're here either way.

You were born. That's all that counts.

Don't tell Keith.

When would I tell him? Like

we go to the same parties.

How'd you hook up

with that guy anyway?

I met him at the Yale Club.

Oh, the Yale Club.

Is that where people go

when they realize nobody gives a

sh*t where they went to school?

What makes you the big authority on relationships?

Have you ever even had one?

More than I can handle.

Oh? Really?

Do you have one now?

My time's tight. I work a lot.

What you do is not work.

How would you know? Have

you ever worked, princess?

I'm going to graduate school.

I.e., no!

I work 16, 18 hours a day.

I'm at all the parties...

Don't you mean outside them,

lurking?

I'm gettin'

a little sick of this.

You want me to help you? You

treat me like a professional.

I'm good at what I do. You either

respect that or get Keith to help you.

I'm sure that old Yale

diploma will be a big help.

I'm sorry, all right?

But just don't run down

my boyfriend.

Don't you mean your husband?

It's like Grand Central

Station in here.

Think this is tough? Ha! How can you

find a person in a hotel this size?

First you get a look

at the register.

If that doesn't work out, you bribe the bellman.

Or if you can't...

Okay, fine, but first

I have to call Keith.

By all means, call Keith.

Oh, right.

Oh, my God!

Excuse me? Psst.

I don't believe this.

Look, I never do this,

but I am such a big fan.

Oh, thank you. You're Dan

Demauro, aren't you?

Well, yes, I am. Look, I'm

reading Blonde In Cement Heels.

Tell me I'm good.

Good at what?

Take a gander.

Could you sign this for me?

- Oh!

- What's your name?

I love the way

they're keeping a low profile.

Let's go get them. Come on.

Uh, that's okay.

What's okay?

I mean, I can do this.

So, uh, this is it.

What are you talkin' about? You found

them, right? So, uh, it's $400.

I hope a check's okay. Hold on a second.

What's your rush?

She's gonna see you. She's gonna cause problems.

I think you should go.

I wanna meet her.

What?

I wanna meet your mother.

But you know her already.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. I just never met her.

I want to be introduced.

Like a person?

Oh. Wow!

Look, I didn't mean it that way.

I appreciate the job you did.

I do. It's just... Look, my mother hates you.

If she sees you... Please.

How did you recognize me?

Please.

Could you give me an autograph?

Vermin alert!

How ya doin'?

You're the cockroach?

Only to my friends.

Following, spying, tracking

her like a bloodhound.

Make up your mind. I'm either

a cockroach or a bloodhound.

Hey, a mixed metaphor is the least

of your problems, my friend.

You know what would be nice? If

you would leave my wife alone!

She's your ex-wife, Dad. We have

to have a talk. Put him down.

Oh, boo.

I thought we were so clever.

This is so annoying. You two could

look at least a little guilty.

Please. He is with me.

Let him go.

I'm sorry. I didn't

know he was your date.

He's not! Yeah?

It's a long story. Uh-huh.

His name's Joey Donna. Mm-hmm.

Yeah. Joey, my parents.

Look, look, look. There's

somethin' I want to say to you.

Yes? I'm sorry.

I shouldn't have taken that...

Fat. Fat. The word is fat.

I shouldn't have shown you as

a... As an enormous fat pig?

Right. I mean, no!

I mean, you're beautiful.

I promise I will never

ever, ever do that again.

Are you saying you'll never take a picture

of her again as long as you live?

What are you, high? I mean I'm

only gonna take good ones.

And nothin' from the left.

And no low angles.

You know that makes chins.

- No chins. Done deal.

- It better be.

Could we discuss your own behavior?

Don't be boring.

Let's have a drink. Is

it mimosa time, darling?

With you, my darling,

always. Join us?

Yeah, I could use a little somethin'.

In my new book...

Dad, that's not what we...

So, what's going on here?

Nothing, Mother! Oh, I understand.

He's adorable.

What? Why do you think I

never had him arrested?

Where the hell is she?

Ooh! Your wife's disappeared.

My heart bleeds.

The red-eye is shot.

We can't make Kennedy.

For what?

Our honeymoon?

We were going to Hawaii.

Does either of you have

the slightest recollection

that you disrupted

my honeymoon?

Hmm? Get out while you can.

My dad warned me not to intermarry

with a bunch of Bohemians.

Offered me 50 grand

just to call it off.

I am saying that you are not

just hurting them,

you are hurting me and Keith.

And for what? Are you going

to stay together forever?

Oh, God! Would you stop it?

That is so grotesque.

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