The Absent Minded Professor Page #5

You're all right, son.

Course, you got a little

of your mother in you.

Actually, well,

you're just me all over again!

Yes, sir!

You're all right!

I can assure you the President

is interested in any development

which might have to do

with our national welfare.

May I inquire as to

the nature of your discovery?

Flubber?

Yes, that does

sound significant.

Now, if I only knew which

branch of the government

might best be served

by your discovery?

Any branch.

You name it.

Transportation. lndustry.

Agriculture.

Agriculture?

Good.

Oh, don't cut me off.

Agriculture Department.

Sam Wheeler speaking.

Splendid.

Mmm. I see.

How do you figure

this can help the farmer?

I don't want to help

the farmer.

I want to help everybody!

Don't you understand?

What possibilities do you think

this might have as a fertilizer?

Fertilizer?

Don't you people understand

how vital this thing is?

It's not only agriculture.

It's industry.

It's national defense.

Oh, national defense.

National defense.

Before we go further,

I just want you to know

that I am proud of the new

spirit of cooperation

between the Army, the Navy,

and the Air Force.

Even the newspapers

are talking about it.

There never was any

difference between us.

Just newspaper guff

in the first place.

There's a Professor Brainard

on the phone from Medfield.

I don't know any

Professor Brainard.

Tell him to write me.

He might have some connection

with Congressman Brainard.

Brainard swings a lot of lead.

He's always been

very friendly to us.

Very well.

Hello?

Well, how are you,

Professor?

What can we do for you?

Oh, you have, eh?

Why, that's amazing.

Sort of antigravity.

Well, well.

And you think

it's a breakthrough?

Looks like you don't need

all that appropriation money.

Got a fellow said he cracked

the antigravity problem

in his own garage.

Ridiculous.

MAN:

Another crackpot.

Army's been doing

antigravity research for years.

Hasn't come up with

anything significant.

Oh, yes.

Yes, Professor.

I'm listening.

Yes, Professor.

Yes, yes.

I realize it's urgent.

So many things are these days.

Oh? You want to come

down here to Washington?

Well, now, I don't

know about that.

We'd love to see you,

of course.

Alert my pilot to standby.

Yes, but we're all busy

as bird dogs around here.

I tell you what, Professor.

Why don't you write us

a nice, short letter?

Tell us all about it.

Right. And keep up

the good work, Professor.

Call us any time.

Oh, better still,

we'll call you.

Goodbye.

Goodbye.

They won't listen.

Betsy won't listen.

Hawk is the only one

that will believe me.

Professor?

Come in, Mrs. Chatsworth.

There you are. Sponged and

pressed for the dance tonight.

Thank you. But I won't

be going to the dance.

Oh, no. You're not letting that

sweet girl go with someone else?

That sweet girl has kicked me

out of her life.

What are you gonna do?

Stay home, talk to the dog?

Mrs. Chatsworth,

don't turn against me.

Professor, may I say something?

I'd rather you wouldn't.

Not just now.

All right.

Do as you please.

Go with your head

in the clouds

and your nose poked places

it doesn't belong.

Go ahead, like I said.

Unlock the secrets

of the universe.

But remember this.

The universe is millions

and millions of years old.

lt can wait a little.

But girls can't wait.

Mrs. Chatsworth,

I'm not going --

One day, a girl simply says

to herself, "That's enough.

I'll just marry the next man

that comes along."

And she does.

-Mrs. Chatsworth --

-If I were in your shoes,

I'd stop that smashing

or mashing the atom

or whatever it is you're doing,

and l'd go to that dance.

Why? Betsy won't

even look at me.

Don't they have those numbers

where you tap the dancers

on the shoulders?

Yes, I suppose.

Well, then,

you walk up to that Shelby,

tap him on the shoulder,

then when he turns.

I'll punch him.

Good.

No, that wouldn't be civilized.

Well, for goodness sake,

grab the girl in your arms,

hold her tight, and dance

her off into the night.

Show him up.

Show up Shelby Ashton?

"The Ballroom Beast"?

He's the best dancer

around here.

I dance like

a sleepwalking chimpanzee.

But even a chimpanzee

will fight for its mate.

I told you he'd turn up

here tonight.

# And sink the Army,

sink the Army gray #

Taxi!

You boys get right in.

I'm the only taxi.

I'm pulling right out.

Where to?

TOGETHER:

Professor Brainard's house.

What are you doing?

Even a chimpanzee

fights for his mate.

Aah!

Let me go.

People are looking!

Good.

Let's not disappoint them.

Must have given

himself a pep talk.

Maybe you can learn something.

Go, Prof! Go!

We ought to do this more often.

Oh, Ned!

# He flies through the air

with the greatest of ease #

# The daring young man

on the flying trapeze #

I wonder what's going on.

Let's go see.

We've had enough fun

for one night.

On second thought,

maybe the fun's just beginning!

l beg your pardon.

-Are you from Washington?

-We are.

Are you looking for Professor...

TOGETHER:

Brainard?

Oh, I'm afraid that's not me.

There's your man.

This is a surprise, your coming

all the way from Washington.

Here we are.

Get right in, gentlemen.

Get right in the car, please.

Admiral? General?

Now, I realize that military

technology has progressed

far beyond the Model T.

-Of course.

-I want you to understand.

I'm using it

as a security measure.

What better place to hide my

discovery than in a Model T?

I want you to keep in mind

that this is only a primitive

application of my discovery.

We use this spark lever here

to levitate,

the gas lever to move forward,

and the brake to stop

or to go in reverse.

Absolute control at all times,

as you will see.

All right, get a good,

tight grip on your emotions

and prepare for takeoff.

Cool head.

A steady hand.

And up we go!

Well, if at first

you don't succeed.

Then what?

Try again.

Well, surely you gentlemen

understand this sort of thing.

The first time you tried to

launch a rocket, it didn't...

...go up.

It's probably just a short

in the control mechanism.

I'm sorry about this delay.

We'll have this

in the air in a minute.

This is some kind of a joke.

-I want to see what's in there.

-Just a minute.

Somebody's just playing

a practical joke!

I'm not laughing.

Just a minute, gentlemen!

Look, gentlemen, wait.

Please.

Nice going.

That was rich

about the squirrel.

A real Hawk touch.

Kind of a mean trick to play.

We're doing him a favor.

You'll see.

Well, I think we've cleared

the air on one point.

What's that?

With what's happened,

I'm sure there's no doubt

about you and Ned Brainard.

No.

None whatsoever.

As the Bard says,

"That he is mad, 'tis true;

'tis true 'tis pity;

and pity 'tis 'tis true."

Oh, shut up!

If that's what she

thinks of Shakespeare...

Ned?

If you've come out to gloat,

I can do without that.

I'm not gloating.

I know what you're thinking.

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