The Alarmist Page #2

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Now, we've found

that most people have...

at one time or another, investigated

a home security alarm system.

- Not me.

- Of course not.

- But--

- Listen, I'm not worried. You know why?

- Why?

- Because I know what's going on.

I know. Don't think I don't,

because I do.

You wait a second.

- Is he coming back?

- Yes, he'll be back.

I think so.

That's a very nice tie.

Where did you get it?

Oh, my.

- Ow.

- Look at this.

It's a semiautomatic.

I converted it myself to a full

automatic. I bought this kit.

Shoots 90 percent faster

at the same ammo dollars.

Kit cost me 139 bucks.

I bought it in Florida.

We went to the Epcot Center.

Have you been there?

You should go.

I'll certainly try.

Look at this.

I got a .357.

Now, it has a more potent cartridge

than a nine millimeter--

a lot more stress

on the recoil--

but what the f***, right?

Anybody tries

to break in here, blam!

I'll blow his f***ing face off.

Recognize it?

That's an AK-47.

That's the kind that guy mowed down

those kids on a school yard with.

That's good.

I got grenades too.

Those seemed a bit excessive.

Here's a real honey.

It's a .454 revolver...

designed as the ultimate

big game handgun.

It's got a iron sight

for distance...

but up close--

Oh, my.

You scared?

Yes, very much so.

That's a heaIthy response.

Anybody tries anything here...

it'll be his last thing.

I don't need one of your systems.

I got my own system.

You stock up.

F***ing subhumanoids--

They take everything.

You think you know

what's going on.

You don't know sh*t!

This is reality!

This is the f***ing answer!

So you just move on!

No sale here, Mr. Security.

Today, the most

unbelievable old guy...

- this crazed potential client--

- Yeah?

I'm in his house

and he gets out--

I swear to God--

an arsenal.

I know the type.

But you can use that.

Fear of the armed populace,

et cetera.

Yeah.

You definitely have a knack.

You know that?

- I guess.

- No, I'm telling you.

I have not seen a raw talent like yours

since-- I don't know when.

- Thank you.

- Don't mention it.

Cheers.

- Do you know what grows a business?

- What?

I don't know.

Look, I got this guy.

He's a director.

He's very talented.

He's putting together

a commercial for me.

- Really?

- Yeah.

We're looking for an on-air--

What do you call it?

- Spokesman.

- Yeah.

And guess who it's gonna be?

- I don't know. Who?

- You.

- Me?

- Yep.

You want me to be on TV?

Yes, I do.

Come on.

You're a natural.

You have that all-American thing, man.

Trust me.

You're a fresh face.

I've never been very good

with school plays or anything.

You'll be a star in your own time

like that "Where's the beef?" c*nt.

It'll be fun.

- Impress the hell out of the broads.

- You think?

Please.

I was a snowflake once.

I can beIieve that.

- Do you do it all in one day?

- We can do this in one day.

- You do different angles?

- You can do camera angles.

- You can do coverage--

- What do you mean, coverage?

This is Shelly, the director.

Shelly, this is Tommy.

Nice to meet you.

I've heard a lot about you.

I'm Iooking forward to this.

- Thank you.

- You'll have a good time today.

Look, he's a little nervous.

How cute!

I love this guy.

What a face.

- He's the best.

- It's the face.

Can I have the makeup lady

over here, please?

- What's the matter?

- I don't know if I can do this.

- What do you mean? Why?

- I feel sick.

No, you're just nervous.

It's nerves.

- Have some water. What?

- Excuse me.

I want you to go

with this nice lady.

She'll take good care of you.

We'll see you in a few minutes.

Be kind to her.

- Can I talk to you?

- Yeah, sure. What's up?

I could have brought

a real actor, but no.

- You insisted we use this guy.

- Yeah.

- You promised me he's a natural.

- He is.

He is not inspiring great confidence.

- In fact, he looks like sh*t!

- Come on.

I could have got you Erik Estrada

for a very reasonable price.

Shelly, look,

if I get Erik Estrada...

I'm just going

for the Spanish contingent.

I'm just saying

Tommy is more universal.

That's why. You gotta trust me on this.

The kid's gonna be great.

Okay, fine.

Shelly is a cat.

Shelly always lands

on his feet.

- Let me get this spot off your nose.

- Vinnie.

- Yeah.

- Can we shoot this sometime today?

Okay, everybody,

quiet on the set!

Roll sound.

- Here we go.

- Speed.

Take six. Mark.

Okay, baby, make this one count.

And action.

Our phone representatives

are standing by, so don't delay.

Call today.

1-800-555-0119.

That's 1-800-555-0119.

And just say no to crime.

And cut.

He's good.

What did I tell you?

Vinnie, I think we got it.

Okay, everybody, that's lunch.

One half hour.

You cocksucker!

In here.

- How'd it go?

- It went pretty good.

I screwed up a few times,

but I think I did rather well.

I knew you would.

I'm so proud of you.

My big star of the small screen.

- Can I do that for you?

- No, I got it. Bulb.

Thanks.

- Did you miss me?

- Yeah. What are you doing?

What are you doing here?

I was just gonna grab a snack.

I guess that's what

you're doing too.

I'll be in my room.

- Maybe I should have a word with him.

- Yeah.

Come in.

How's it going?

Fine.

I think we got off

on the wrong foot.

No, man, don't worry about it.

It's cool.

No, I--

You know I love your mother.

And when you love a woman...

you want to express it

in a beautifuI, nonverbal way.

Uh-huh.

- Do you have a girlfriend?

- Yeah, I guess.

Yeah, it was Lisa Brody,

who is so fine...

but I just couldn't make push come

to shove, if you know what I mean.

So now I'm with her older sister,

ApriI.

Are you two physically active?

Yeah.

It was a struggle too.

'Cause at first, it was like

hours and hours of humping.

But she kept saying, "No, no."

So, finally, I got my hand

down there on her frog.

But her pants were buttoned,

and I was begging her...

"April, please, my hand is losing

circuIation. I'm losing feeling!

I'll get gangrene

if you don't loosen these things!"

She was pretty hot,

so she let me undo her pants...

but she says,

"No funny business."

Pretty soon, we both

got our pants off, totally.

I try to stick it in, and I say,

"I won't go in all the way.

I just want

to rub it against you."

I notice that she's getting

pretty worked up...

so then I say, "I'm just

putting in the head, you know...

just a weensy bit."

She says, "Okay, just the head,

but not all the way.

I'm a virgin. I don't want

to get pregnant. It'll hurt."

But once the head goes in, the rest

just sort of slides in on its own.

Pretty soon

we're doing actual screwing.

Her teeth are clamped together,

and she's making this hissing noise...

like a leaky tire.

And she starts gasping,

"Don't come inside me."

I'm just planning to stay until the

last possible second and then pull out.

But the last possible second

comes and goes...

and I don't.

How'd it go?

Fine.

Really?

Yeah.

Do you like the desert?

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