The Alarmist Page #3

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I love it. Why?

I was thinking about--

I don't know--

Maybe we could go away sometime,

just the two of us.

Maybe try having sex

without Howard.

How would that be?

That would be good.

Great.

You know, on the way,

my parents live in Barstow.

I want you to meet them.

We'll have dinner.

I don't think

that's a very good idea.

I mean, what we have is fun...

but it's really not

the kind of relationship...

where you need

to meet the family.

Do you know what I mean?

No, I don't.

I want you to meet them.

I want them to meet you.

They should meet the woman I love.

No, I don't want to.

It would make me so uncomfortable.

Come on.

It would make me feel so happy.

I know, but--

Listen.

It'll be fine.

You'll love each other. Trust me.

I started this business

from nothing...

giving people what they need:

security.

Do you know what time

I leave my house every morning?

5:
30 a.m.

Each day, every day.

I buy two papers and read them front

to back before anybody eIse shows up.

Do you know why?

Because I like to stay current

with all of the evil twists...

on man's inhumanity to man.

Know what I mean?

I started with sh*t.

When you start with sh*t...

you don't walk into a bank with nothing

but your poor tired dick in your hand...

and expect to walk out of there

with a fat stack of notes.

Are you with me?

- No collateral.

- Right. Exactly. So?

I owe.

And if poor little Heinrich

doesn't pay--

I might get better,

but I'd never get well.

All right.

Shaved, pungent, undulating.

Undulating.

Howling!

Yummy, yummy, beaver.

- You lose.

- Why?

'Cause you forgot "shaved."

- Did not.

- Did too.

You f***ing distracted me.

Tough cookies.

Come here.

You're a good kid.

I mean it.

Yeah, I know.

You're a good man.

Some people think I'm an a**hole.

Do you think I'm an a**hole?

- Gale does.

- No, she doesn't.

- Believe me, she thinks I'm a lowlife.

- She's never even met you.

Look. Listen.

I know her type.

She sits on her artistic can all day,

passing judgment on the working man.

She's got a part-time job.

She works at the art gallery.

Yeah? Gee, that sounds tough.

Look. I mean, I sweat blood.

If that makes me a bad person,

then fine. So be it!

Nobody said

you were a bad person.

No, I keep moving forward.

If I stop for one moment,

I sink out of sight like a stone.

The waters close over my head

without a f***ing ripple.

You know what makes

a good salesman?

The will to get the job done.

Whatever it takes.

You have that.

Come here.

I want to show you something.

I put a system in this house

a couple of months ago. Follow me.

Yeah?

- What are we doing here?

- Shh!

Run !

What did you do that for?

Relax. It's just business.

Business?

How do you figure?

It's not funny.

Take me home.

- You all right?

- Yeah.

- Good night.

- Screw you.

You don't want

to kiss me good night?

Go home.

I don 't mind telling you

we were really scared.

- Wow.

- Yeah. The system worked perfectly.

Could you do me a favor?

Could you hoId on for one second?

- Sure.

- Thank you.

Tommy, could you come in here,

please?

Pick up line two.

There's something I want you to hear.

Sorry about that.

Go ahead. You were saying?

The guy splintered my back door.

You ought to see it. It's kindling.

Oh, my God.

Did you get a look at the perp?

No, when the alarm rang,

the guy took off.

I bet he did.

I hope nobody was hurt.

- No, thank God. Everybody was fine.

- Good.

Scared, but fine.

- Did this gentleman nab anything?

- No way.

I'm like a hero in my own house.

Now all the neighbors want a system.

I'm telling you,

I ought to get a commission.

- Anyway, thanks very much.

- No, thank you.

I'm sending somebody up there right away

to check things out.

- Great. Good.

- Free of charge. No problem.

Live safe. Bye.

So, break-ins increase sales.

No, not break-ins,

incidents.

Now, hypothetically...

one could, if one knew

the wiring schematics, break in...

take apart the system...

help oneself

to one or two goodies...

if one so desired.

You'd do what you're trying to convince

these people they can prevent...

when you sell them the product

in the first place.

There would be a pleasing symmetry

to it, hypothetically.

Listen, you can do what you want,

but leave me out of it. Understand?

Okay, Tommy.

It's entirely up to you.

I thought we were

supposed to be the good guys.

We are the good guys.

Come on.

Sometimes people need a push

in the right direction.

Right?

I'm just doing this

to ease your way...

because I think

you're a good guy.

I think you're a good guy too.

Thank you. I am.

I am a good guy,

and so are you.

We're a couple of good guys.

We are.

- I just don't want--

- What?

Get out of here, okay?

Go make sales.

Prosper.

I'm sure I need not say I'd prefer you

not mention this to your lady friend...

or anybody else,

for that matter.

Heinrich told me you boys had a chat,

so you know the score.

Listen, it's a mark of how much

the man trusts and likes you...

that he let you know

what's what.

You do what you think is right,

but, for everybody's sake...

try to understand

what Heinrich does...

he does for all of us

so that we can live and get by.

The main thing is,

no one gets hurt. Okay?

- You with me?

- Yeah, but--

We are all just hanging on

by the skin of our teeth here.

You do realize

that statistically...

all crime is down,

across the boards...

for the third year in a row?

Yeah, that's good.

Isn't it?

What's the matter?

You haven't said a word all night.

It's Heinrich.

He's into some weird sh*t.

What kind of weird sh*t?

You know what?

Why don't we drop it?

You can tell me.

I just think we should

forget about it.

I don't like that guy.

Why,

because of what I just said?

I've never liked him.

That is very strange.

He was just telling me

how he thought you didn't like him...

and here you are

not liking him.

He said he thought

I didn't like him?

Yeah.

He's never even met me.

Now I really don't like him.

He's a good man.

He's had a hard life.

You should leave that place.

You're better than that.

There he is.

Get in here.

There's something I want you to see.

Everybody, make way for Tommy,

the media sensation.

Move over there.

Come on in. Come here.

- Make way. Sit down.

- Hi. How are you?

Should we turn the lights out?

All right, everybody ready?

Here we go.

Do I just push--

Don't let this happen to you.

Thank you, Detective.

At Grigoris Security Systems,

we take your safety seriously...

with an alarm system

for every need and budget.

Our phone representatives

are standing by, so don't delay.

Call today.

1-800-555-0119.

That's 1-800-555-0119.

And just say no to crime.

- Brilliant!

- Serviceable, I suppose.

What are you talking about?

It's perfect!

- It's gonna play every night this week.

- What time?

Late, in the cheap seats.

That's where we'll find our market.

All those insomnia wackos.

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