The Alarmist Page #4

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You were terrific.

That was great.

- I mean it.

- Thank you.

Work like that deserves

to be celebrated.

I'm gonna take you to dinner

this weekend.

How about Saturday,

Friday, Sunday?

We'll go.

We'll have laughs.

That sounds great, but actually

I'm going away with Gale this weekend.

- Yeah, she's--

- Yeah, I know.

She's the one you put the alarm in,

the one we gave you sh*t about.

I didn't realize you guys

had gotten serious.

- Yeah.

- And you're going away for the weekend?

- Yeah.

- Great. I'll catch you another time.

Definitely.

Come on, Gale!

Let's get going!

- All set.

- Great.

- Hi, Mom.

- Hi, Howard.

This is Suzy...

and this is my girlfriend April,

who I told you about.

- Ask him.

- I'm not gonna ask him. You ask him.

You come with.

Howard says that you're the guy

in that commercial.

- Yeah.

- Really?

That is so rad.

We love that commercial.

"Don't let this happen to you."

We're gonna go upstairs

for a while.

Bye.

- We'll be back on Sunday.

- Okay. Bye.

Youth.

- Where are we going?

- It's a surprise. Just wait.

Wow.

It's beautiful here.

Yeah. My brothers and I used

to come here a lot when we were kids.

It's an old rock quarry.

It's hundreds of feet deep.

- That's scary.

- You bet.

Can you see that?

That's our boat.

My brothers still come down here

from time to time.

The Norman Rockwell childhood

of Thomas Hudler.

Someone once threw perch

and blue gill in here.

You can still catch them too.

But you can't eat them.

They've got lumps.

It's very quiet and secIuded.

- Here we are.

- I don't feel good about this.

It will be fine. We'll just have dinner

and be on our way. I promise.

I know.

You look so wonderful.

You told them, right?

About the age thing?

- I told you I did.

- You're sure?

Nobody cares.

It's really not an issue.

- Dad.

- Tom-Tom!

And you must be Gale.

Hi.

Beth?

- You didn't tell them.

- Didn't tell them what?

Mom!

Mom, this is Gale.

- Hi.

- It's nice to meet you

Let's not just stand out here.

Come on in the house.

- How could you do this to me?

- What?

Gale, this is my brother, Andrew,

and that's Doris.

That's my other brother, Skippy,

and Bambi.

- This is Gale.

- Hi.

Hello.

You are pretty.

- Shut up.

- Man!

- How about a little drink?

- Sure.

Then when he grew up, he got so big

they had to wear his hand-me-downs.

When Howard was a little boy,

I'd put him to bed...

and his little hand would immediately

dive under his little pajama bottoms.

Then he'd fall asleep just holding

himself with the most angelic smile.

I knew then that would be the most

security he'd ever feel in life:

what he got by squeezing

his own little dork.

These beets are fabulous.

- How old is Howard?

- About Tommy's age.

- He's not my age at all.

- But he is bigger than you.

Howard's a big boy,

just like his father.

- How about another drop in my glass?

- Yes, ma'am.

- Howard's father?

- He was just like the rest of them.

Not Tommy, though.

- Tommy's wonderful.

- Tommy's a good boy.

Yes, a good boy.

A good boy is what he is.

- You must be proud.

- We are.

Yeah, you're a really good boy.

Howard's father

is a perfect example.

He swept me right off my feet.

He was really wicked,

and I loved it.

I remember one night, we were

at dinner at his parents' house.

We'd just announced our engagement,

and they were overjoyed.

They were talking on and on

about the wedding and--

Howard's father--

He wasn't Howard's father yet...

but his name was also Howard--

He was sitting across from me,

just listening and making chitchat.

Suddenly, there was this small animal

burrowing right into my crotch.

I looked down,

and he's got his sandal off.

He's got his bare foot

pressing right into me.

He's just against me, leaning

and kneading and kneading.

- It was--

- That sounds very romantic.

It was.

Then I got athlete's foot

on my vagina.

I should have taken that

as an omen.

I'll go check on the guys.

It's stifling.

What do you have to do

to get some air in here?

- Hot flashes.

- She's kidding.

Why do you think they call it menopause?

Why don't they just call it menostop?

It's not like it starts up again.

Okay, no more jokes.

Let's go.

It's time to go.

- Baby, we're not going anywhere.

- Nonsense.

- I'm an excellent drunk driver.

- He is.

Forget it.

I'm sure Mom and Dad can fix us

a place to sleep right here.

Sure. Right, Mother?

Wait.

It's in here.

I know.

I love you so much.

Hi, Mom.

I thought you were spending

the weekend with Barry.

I was, but then Barry started

acting like a jerk, so I came home.

Why isn't the alarm on?

Sorry, Mom.

What's on?

Some Fred MacMurray thing.

What are you doing here?

Things didn't go so good.

What happened?

Tommy started acting

like a jerk too?

We both did.

Don't worry, Mom.

It'll be all right.

You'll see.

What is it, Mom?

Hello.

You have no messages.

- Hi, this is Gale and--

- Howard.

Leave a message at the beep.

Gale, it's me.

It's Tommy.

Are you there?

Someone is here to see you,

from the poIice.

- Who?

- I don't know.

- They're here to talk to me?

- Yeah. Listen.

Just stay calm.

It's probably nothing.

- Just don't say too much.

- I didn't do anything.

- You wanted to speak with me?

- Are you Thomas Hudler?

- Yes, sir.

- I'm Detective Gary Flinkman, L.A.P.D.

You're a close acquaintance

of Gale Ancona?

I guess you could say that.

I'd like you to come down

and take a ride with me.

Let's just do it quickly.

Believe me, it'll be better.

It's not her.

There was a break-in.

The guy seems to have panicked.

This is what we know,

and I'm sorry.

- You're gonna find this guy, right?

- Right.

O Lord, let us know our end,

the number of our days...

O Lord, let us know our end,

the number of our days...

that we may know

how fleeting is life.

But you are the same.

You have no end.

I want you to know how deeply saddened

and troubled I am by this--

- This horrible thing.

- Yeah.

- Sally and I both feel--

- You should take some time off.

Take this. Consider it paid time off.

Do whatever you have to do.

- Anything.

- Go someplace, do something.

I don't care. Then come back

to work when you're ready.

- Because you're really distraught.

- Understandably.

Just try to put this behind you.

- We're here for you.

- I love you.

- Yeah.

- I mean that we both love you.

- You know that.

- Oh, yeah. Okay. All right.

I loved you so much.

I know you did.

- I can't believe it ended that way.

- Don't worry about that now.

Listen to me.

You know who did this.

- I don't.

- Yes, you do. You know.

Do me a favor.

Get the bastard.

Come in.

The return of the prodigal son.

Come here!

- I didn't expect you back so soon.

- Here I am.

- I'm glad to see you.

- I'm glad to be back.

- Are you?

- I am.

Good.

- You know, I was worried.

- Why is that?

I had the most ridiculous thought.

- What's that?

- You'll laugh.

No, I won't. I promise.

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