The Aristocrats Page #12

The Black guy grabs a mop, sticks it up the gay | guy's ass and mops up the f***ing "floor. "

The agent says, | "Holy sh*t, what do you guys call yourselves?"

The fag goes, "The "Aristocrats. "

One of the clichs people often go to "is... "

Now, some people do this for shock "value. "

Shock is just another uptown word for "surprise. "

Granted it has a different quality to it, | but a joke is about surprising "someone. "

Three women of colour go to this "agent. "

He goes, "What do you do?"

"My sister plays the "cello. " She plays | Chopin's Third Movement in B "Minor. "

I lay on a chaise longue nude, | reading sonnets from "Shakespeare. "

My third sister paints a painting | very similar to Delacroix's The "Girl. "

He says, "Wow, what do you call this act?"

She goes, "Oh, we're N*gger "C*nts. "

You can't say "that. "

The two worst words in the "world. "

I'm a great believer in "context. " | You can joke about "anything. "

Funny is "funny. " If told with a funny bone, | anything's "acceptable. "

Let's have some "fun. "

After the tragic events of January 3rd, come "on. "

On January 3rd, I left my Visa | at the Four Seasons, it was "like... "

I do like finding out where the line is drawn,

deliberately crossing it and bringing | some of them with me across the line,

and having them be happy that I "did. "

I like to take chances,

because I just think that you "should. "

That's what comedy is all "about. "

I pull up Mommy's dress, | and I put my wiener in her "butt. "

And I push it into her unwilling "anus. "

And I move my wiener back and forth | until stuff shoots "out. "

So it's finally just a whole prolapsed "rectum. "

It looks like an ulcerated sea "snake. "

Remember when I took you to SeaWorld? "Yeah. "

And all the stuff shoots onto her "face. "

I stick my cock in her ass,

and it's like a shillelagh, | all knotted with boils and fibrous "tumours. "

I'll show you a little bit "later. "

The brother comes "out. " | He eats the stuff off her "face. "

With his bleeding anus splattering on the "crowd. "

We give the front row garbage "bags. " | Have you ever seen Gallagher?

Yeah, I didn't like it that much "myself. "

They ate the poop off the "floor. "

And he says, "Ta-da!"

And the man says, "The "Aristocrats. "

And both of the men are probably "Jews. "

There's still a joke out there | that maybe they shouldn't "tell. "

Maybe they're taking a chance "telling. "

Maybe they get a little bit nervous | as they start the "joke. "

It means something, | even in today's day and "age. "

They just get a little murmur inside,

and I think that will be | what keeps a joke like this "special. "

I never realised any of that stuff | was considered "dirty. "

Before you guys got here, | I was eating a plate of my own "sh*t. "

Hey, "Mel. " Do you know this joke "about... "

The punch line is "The "Aristocrats. "

I totally do not get "it. "

- You don't get the joke? | - Someone told it to me but I don't get "it. "

The whole family's having sex with each "other. "

- Is that aristocratic? | - It's more than "that. "

Um...

Yeah, I think it's best if we don't break it "down. " | Do you agree with that?

No, I don't want to tell the joke.

You've had way too many great people tell "it. "

The Aristocrats!

That's "great. "

The best-looking ass in show "business. "

Don't ever ask me to do another favour for "you. "

I guarantee this will not wind up | on my demo "tape. "

I'm not gonna work for Disney ever "again. "

Thanks a lot, Paul "Provenza. "

I once asked Dom Irrera, why does anal sex | play such a huge role in humour?

He said, "I can't tell you but I can show "you. "

Sarah Silverman is a young lady to "watch. "

I'll keep an eye on "her. "

- You've never met her? | - "No. "

Does everyone do this or not?

All "right. " F***, sh*t, "c*nt. "

A man goes into a pub and another guy | hits him on the head with an iron "bar. "

He says, "Is that serious or a joke?"

He says, "It's "serious. " | "Thank "God. " I can't stand jokes like "that. "

Is any of this funny?

Don't pan to "them. " Stay on "me. "

Don't look at "them. " | There's gonna be "problems. OK."

Brunch is gonna be up in Redford's "thing. 2020."

I'll try to be alive for "it. "

It's not often you talk about c*nts for 10 minutes | and somebody behind a camera goes,

"Perfect. " That's exactly what we "need. "

A guy sees two priests having supper "together. "

He says, "I didn't know whether to send them | a bottle of wine or a cub "scout. "

The dog's name is Peanuts and she is "blind. "

She wasn't blind when we got her,

but we blinded her | just so she'd be a little bit more "fun. "

- "Er... " | That's "good. "

- "Er... " | - That's "good. "

Is this thing on?

Argh!

To the other comedians: | I don't know what you're getting,

but they refused to pay me | and I'm really "steamed. " Steamed!

And the agent "says... "

What the f*** am I doing?

- Do other people get laughs out of this? | - I think "so. "

And he says, "The Aristocrats!"

Cos it's absolutely the wrong thing | to call an act like "that. "

Is it on?

You're not taping yet really, are you?

Goodbye!

- "The mike!" | - I forgot we had the mike "on. "

Try "this. " Ball "sacks. "

I said ball sacks in front of a six-year-old "girl. " | They'll take "my" six-year-old away from "me. "

Bye, "Robert. " Daddy loves "you. "

I often sit here in my garden, | gazing into my Victorian reflecting ball, "and... "

Darling, would you get me a cup of tea?

"Get it yourself. "

I just want to thank "you. " It's so nice | to be part of this extraordinary "experience. "

A rabbi walks into a bar with a "frog. "

Bartender says, "Where did you get that?"

The frog says, | "Brooklyn. " There's hundred of "'em. "

Good "luck. "

I feel like we're all "connecting. "

And now the world's oldest living vaudevillian | with the original Aristocratsjoke.

This way. This way.

There are these two mountain goats and "they... "

Sir? Sir?

- Sir? | "- Huh?

Thank "you. "

The "Aristocrats. "

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