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The Aristocrats Page #12
The Black guy grabs a mop, sticks it up the gay | guy's ass and mops up the f***ing "floor. "
The agent says, | "Holy sh*t, what do you guys call yourselves?"
The fag goes, "The "Aristocrats. "
One of the clichs people often go to "is... "
Now, some people do this for shock "value. "
Shock is just another uptown word for "surprise. "
Granted it has a different quality to it, | but a joke is about surprising "someone. "
Three women of colour go to this "agent. "
He goes, "What do you do?"
"My sister plays the "cello. " She plays | Chopin's Third Movement in B "Minor. "
I lay on a chaise longue nude, | reading sonnets from "Shakespeare. "
My third sister paints a painting | very similar to Delacroix's The "Girl. "
He says, "Wow, what do you call this act?"
She goes, "Oh, we're N*gger "C*nts. "
You can't say "that. "
The two worst words in the "world. "
I'm a great believer in "context. " | You can joke about "anything. "
Funny is "funny. " If told with a funny bone, | anything's "acceptable. "
Let's have some "fun. "
After the tragic events of January 3rd, come "on. "
On January 3rd, I left my Visa | at the Four Seasons, it was "like... "
I do like finding out where the line is drawn,
deliberately crossing it and bringing | some of them with me across the line,
and having them be happy that I "did. "
I like to take chances,
because I just think that you "should. "
That's what comedy is all "about. "
I pull up Mommy's dress, | and I put my wiener in her "butt. "
And I push it into her unwilling "anus. "
And I move my wiener back and forth | until stuff shoots "out. "
So it's finally just a whole prolapsed "rectum. "
It looks like an ulcerated sea "snake. "
Remember when I took you to SeaWorld? "Yeah. "
And all the stuff shoots onto her "face. "
I stick my cock in her ass,
and it's like a shillelagh, | all knotted with boils and fibrous "tumours. "
I'll show you a little bit "later. "
The brother comes "out. " | He eats the stuff off her "face. "
With his bleeding anus splattering on the "crowd. "
We give the front row garbage "bags. " | Have you ever seen Gallagher?
Yeah, I didn't like it that much "myself. "
They ate the poop off the "floor. "
And he says, "Ta-da!"
And the man says, "The "Aristocrats. "
And both of the men are probably "Jews. "
There's still a joke out there | that maybe they shouldn't "tell. "
Maybe they're taking a chance "telling. "
Maybe they get a little bit nervous | as they start the "joke. "
It means something, | even in today's day and "age. "
They just get a little murmur inside,
and I think that will be | what keeps a joke like this "special. "
I never realised any of that stuff | was considered "dirty. "
Before you guys got here, | I was eating a plate of my own "sh*t. "
Hey, "Mel. " Do you know this joke "about... "
The punch line is "The "Aristocrats. "
I totally do not get "it. "
- You don't get the joke? | - Someone told it to me but I don't get "it. "
The whole family's having sex with each "other. "
- Is that aristocratic? | - It's more than "that. "
Um...
Yeah, I think it's best if we don't break it "down. " | Do you agree with that?
No, I don't want to tell the joke.
You've had way too many great people tell "it. "
The Aristocrats!
That's "great. "
The best-looking ass in show "business. "
Don't ever ask me to do another favour for "you. "
I guarantee this will not wind up | on my demo "tape. "
I'm not gonna work for Disney ever "again. "
Thanks a lot, Paul "Provenza. "
I once asked Dom Irrera, why does anal sex | play such a huge role in humour?
He said, "I can't tell you but I can show "you. "
Sarah Silverman is a young lady to "watch. "
I'll keep an eye on "her. "
- You've never met her? | - "No. "
Does everyone do this or not?
All "right. " F***, sh*t, "c*nt. "
A man goes into a pub and another guy | hits him on the head with an iron "bar. "
He says, "Is that serious or a joke?"
He says, "It's "serious. " | "Thank "God. " I can't stand jokes like "that. "
Is any of this funny?
Don't pan to "them. " Stay on "me. "
Don't look at "them. " | There's gonna be "problems. OK."
Brunch is gonna be up in Redford's "thing. 2020."
I'll try to be alive for "it. "
It's not often you talk about c*nts for 10 minutes | and somebody behind a camera goes,
"Perfect. " That's exactly what we "need. "
A guy sees two priests having supper "together. "
He says, "I didn't know whether to send them | a bottle of wine or a cub "scout. "
The dog's name is Peanuts and she is "blind. "
She wasn't blind when we got her,
but we blinded her | just so she'd be a little bit more "fun. "
- "Er... " | That's "good. "
- "Er... " | - That's "good. "
Is this thing on?
Argh!
To the other comedians: | I don't know what you're getting,
but they refused to pay me | and I'm really "steamed. " Steamed!
And the agent "says... "
What the f*** am I doing?
- Do other people get laughs out of this? | - I think "so. "
And he says, "The Aristocrats!"
Cos it's absolutely the wrong thing | to call an act like "that. "
Is it on?
You're not taping yet really, are you?
Goodbye!
- "The mike!" | - I forgot we had the mike "on. "
Try "this. " Ball "sacks. "
I said ball sacks in front of a six-year-old "girl. " | They'll take "my" six-year-old away from "me. "
Bye, "Robert. " Daddy loves "you. "
I often sit here in my garden, | gazing into my Victorian reflecting ball, "and... "
Darling, would you get me a cup of tea?
"Get it yourself. "
I just want to thank "you. " It's so nice | to be part of this extraordinary "experience. "
A rabbi walks into a bar with a "frog. "
Bartender says, "Where did you get that?"
The frog says, | "Brooklyn. " There's hundred of "'em. "
Good "luck. "
I feel like we're all "connecting. "
And now the world's oldest living vaudevillian | with the original Aristocratsjoke.
This way. This way.
There are these two mountain goats and "they... "
Sir? Sir?
- Sir? | "- Huh?
Thank "you. "
The "Aristocrats. "
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"The Aristocrats" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 30 Aug. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/the_aristocrats_19682>.
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