The Aristocrats Page #11

going, "Ah! The building's coming down! Help!"

The family runs back to the centre of the room | and goes, "Ta-da!"

The talent agent just sits "there. " | Finally, he says,

"That's a hell of an"act. "What do you call it?"

The father says, "The "Aristocrats. "

I don't get "it. "

Neither do "I."

It's not transgressive any "more. "

We're re-inventing the joke | by putting in stuff that's offensive "now. "

The world has "changed. "

Shockability had gone to a whole other "level. "

People say, "N*gger, spic, dick, "c*nt. "

You can say all that, people "go... "

When you're among comedians, | you have to push the "envelope. "

A comedian telling it to comedians?

He'd probably do a more disgusting version | of it for his peers

than he would for his friends at the bar | from the old "neighbourhood. "

It's like you're performing in front of your family, | yet there's no holds "barred. "

There's a level of appreciation | that will go along with "it. "

I dare you to tell that joke on stage | in front of "anyone. "

If you can make an audience laugh at that, | you are "God. "

I'm a writer at the New York "Observer. " | For five years, I've covered the Friar's "roast. "

This year I wrote about Gilbert Gottfried's | take on the "Aristocrats. "

Gilbert Gottfried did it at the Hugh Hefner "roast. "

It was the funniest f***ing joke "ever. "

This roast was happening | not even three weeks after September 11th,

so there was a big discussion | about what was right in terms of "taste. "

There hadn't been any comedy in New "York. " | It was very "fresh. "

We were faced with having to put up a show, | put on tuxedos,

get Hugh Hefner and his p*ssy posse | on a "plane. "

It wasn't easy but we got him to do "it. "

To his credit, we raised half a million dollars | for charity, for 9/11 "charities. "

People needed a laugh, to "release. "

Everybody was pulling "back. " | Everybody was really being "careful. "

Rob Schneider went on "first. "

He was doing great, | then a couple of jokes didn't "work. "

I went up to the mike and I said, "Rob, hasn't | there been enough bombing in this city?"

Here comes Gilbert and he just went for "broke. "

It was "unbelievable. "

Gilbert Gottfried took the mike, | took the room "over. "

He said he was trying to get a direct flight | to Los "Angeles. "

He was nervous cos his plane had a connection | at the Empire State "Building. "

That was when the crowd "turned. "

They started booing him. | A guy was shouting, "Too soon, too soon. "

The crowd was murmuring and he said:

"OK." A "man... "

A talent agent is sitting in his "office. "

A family walks in: Man woman, | their two kids, and their little "dog. "

The agent goes, | "What kind of an act do you do?"

It was like he made a conscious decision, | "OK, I can't push the envelope of taste

in terms of what happened in September, | so I'll push it in a completely different "direction. "

It was arguably the dirtiest roast | the Friar's had ever "done. "

The father starts f***ing his wife, | the wife starts jerking off the son,

the son starts going down on the sister,

the sister starts fingering the dog's "a**hole. "

He just grabbed them by the "throat. " | He just "attacked. "

Then the son starts blowing his "father. "

You want me to start at the beginning?

If you missed any portion, I'll repeat "it. "

There was this weird buzz that came.

The guys up on the dais were looking at each | other with this look of familiarity in their "eyes. "

They were all saying, | "Where is he going to take this?"

Then the daughter starts licking out | the father's "a**hole. "

Then the father shits on the floor, | the mother shits on the "floor. "

The dog pisses and shits on the "floor. "

They all jump down into the sh*t and piss | and come

and they start f***ing and sucking each other,

and then they take a "bow. "

And the talent agent "says... "

I'll wait till you're "ready. "

I'm sitting at a table | and the comics were on the "floor. "

They might have to clean this up for "TV."

I was laughing cos he was going so big with it,

which I can't imagine Gilbert Gottfried "doing. "

It was probably one of the best single tellings | of a joke I've ever "heard. "

Now, where was I? Oh, "yes. "

The son is licking out his father's "a**hole. "

I almost died because I couldn't | catch my breath with "laughing. "

They f*** and suck each other | and they take a "bow. "

And the talent "agent... " | Did you miss any portion of this?

The talent agent says, | "Well, that's an interesting "act. "

Which is kind of an "understatement. "

The laugh was so deep and cathartic | that people were coughing up pieces of "lung. "

It was "amazing. " A lot of people watching him, | or up on the dais, are all in comedy

and it was as if he had united everybody | in that one moment

because he told something that they all knew | and they all had some sort of handle on "it. "

He focused it and clearly impressed | a lot of people in the room.

Now...

He pulled this thing out and did it so well,

with such fearlessness.

I hate to end this on a really sentimental "note. "

There was a sound in the audience | that you really knew something was "happening. "

It was outside my grasp, and for anyone else | who wasn't a total comedy "veteran. "

Not a great "joke. "

On the other hand, hear Gilbert Gottfried | tell a joke like that, it's a "Picasso. "

The joke I didn't care about any "more. "

I wanted to see how far he would take it,

and when he would not stop saying | "f***ing and"sucking"... "

Watching him go through his apoplectic,

rhythmic, incantation of the whole thing | sort of takes "over. "

The fact that he is saying these particular words | almost doesn't "matter. "

He says, "What do you call yourself?"

And they go, "The Aristocrats!"

It's just a "joke. "

Help!

Is it as shocking as the first time you heard it?

Don't touch "me. "

- Is that the joke as you remember it? | - I didn't hear it that "way. "

This is so much "worse. "

I'm already feeling like I didn't do it "justice. "

I had "f***ing the daughter" in there | but I didn't colour it in with colourful "adjectives. "

"An arm like "Popeye. "

I didn't realise the bill that I was "on. "

What's the most vile, offensive thing | you could add to top all that?

If a guy took some of the sh*t and smeared it | on his face and did a black-face "routine. "

- Doing a minstrel "act. " | - That's "good. "

Add "race-baiting. "

Sex any more? Who gives a sh*t? | The racial issue has replaced the sexual "issue. "

- I'm the agent and you're the "client. " | - "OK."

Are you a Jew agent, | you filthy, hook-nosed, thieving f***?

Yeah.

He goes, "A Black guy comes on and starts | sucking my cock like it's a chicken neck "bone. "

This Indian comes on - you know, | Slurpee Indian, not casino "Indian... "

...sprinkles curry on "everybody... "

"... and" starts stinking up the "place. "

A spic comes on, steals everybody's wallet | and takes a sh*t on the "stage. "

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