The Aristocrats Page #10

Did they ever ask you | to be on The Tonight Show?

Not The Tonight "Show. "

But Joe Franklin loved the "Aristocrats. "

He was like our rehearsal director | when Dad and my brother weren't there,

and my "mother... "

"... and" my nana... weren't "there. "

I was on his "show. "

He said it wasn't a taped "show. "

But...

we, like, did a "show. "

Like, in his apartment?

Yeah, it was his "office. "

But he had "a... " a bed in "it... "

like a couch that he called Uncle Joe's "bed. "

For little "people. " | Cos a couch is like a bed for little "people. "

You know?

Joe Franklin raped "me. "

Comedians often feel like, | "I am this weird, twisted, strange person,

somewhere near the outer reaches | of the bell curve,

trying somehow to package this

in a way that confers upon me | some kind of dignity and "respect. "

Maybe that's the reason | that this joke is so "appealing. "

I've played by their rules for a really long "time. " | I don't want to do it any "more. "

Will they prevent me | from doing a show with the Olsen twins?

I think you're all skirting around "this. "

You should all be "aristocrats. " | The audience, all of us should be "aristocrats. "

People are contracted | into this puritanical idea

that we have to get married when we're young, | we can't f*** boys and f*** "girls. "

We can do it "all. " Starfish are "bi. "

Have you seen a starfish eat out | another starfish? It takes for "ever. " They do "it. "

Close the comedy clubs and open up brothels, | bathhouses, glory "holes. "

This is what this country "needs. " | It needs a really tight "orgasm. "

I'm an "actor. " I was in a lot of TV "shows. "

I went to this orgy "once. " I f***ed all these people | and somebody whispered in my ear,

"You were great on "Friends. "

But you're not going to have Mary Hart | talk about that with "me. "

I want to take an approach to the joke | in my "way. "

I'm the agent and I'm pitching "it. "

So this very athletic blond man | walks onto the stage in a leather "Speedo. "

He has this slightly sadistic nature about "him. "

He has this fine, fine baby hair | all over these very steely pectoral "muscles. "

He has like a treasure trail that goes "down... "

to heavy, cut "man-meat. " An 11 x7 "cock. "

He's horse-hung "guy. "

This chick walks up with a rocket body | and artificial "rack. "

She looks like Carmen Electra, only "better. " | She starts gently rubbing her "p*ssy. "

This submissive sissy boy comes out | and points at the dick and says,

"I want that cock to bust my virgin "ass. "

The chick straps on this dildo,

has this challenging, intense expression | on her face, and says, "Let "me. "

She rubs him in a very spiritually-centred "way. "

Little sissy boy is obviously a demanding | p*ssy "bottom. "

He tilts his ass "up. "

She starts eating his ass, giving him this | rim job royale, as they'd say in Pulp "Fiction. "

The horse-hung dick is now going into | p*ssy boy's "mouth. " He's getting "face-f***ed. "

The girl takes his cock in her p*ssy, | but what "she... "

and this is gonna be in the programme,

that the girl has trained in that fine geisha way | where the p*ssy would contract,

to make your vagina pull up on that "cock. "

When you are shooting, it is like yanking "it. "

I don't know if anyone's ever had that happen, | but it's "wild. "

She is taking a huge f***ing horse "flow. "

It's called the "Massage-ocrats. "

This joke holds a mirror up to "itself. "

The people who say the joke must contain sh*t - | don't invite them into your "home. "

The people who say it must involve bestiality - | don't let them near your "dog. "

This tells you a lot about a person, this "joke. "

It's where your darkest place can go, you "know. "

In a way, this joke really isn't all that "relevant. "

Standards of "offensive" change over "time. "

It's quite a tame joke "now. "

There's something quite charming about it, | which is "weird. "

"I have got the perfect family "act. " | "Go "ahead. " Tell "me. "

"The wife and I go out, we sing and dance, | we f*** each other,

we f*** the kids, | the kids f*** each "other. "

The dog shits and pisses on all of "us. " | He looks up, jumps through a "hoop. "

"What do you call the act?" | "The "Aristocrats. "

The agent goes, "I already have an act like "that. "

That's what happened to show "business. "

"F*** the kids, f*** the dogs," doesn't "matter. " | Well, I've already seen "that. "

That's not really a joke any "more. "

That's actually a really great idea | to pitch to a "network. "

I could walk into NBC tomorrow and say | I have a dysfunctional family "idea. "

So dysfunctional it defies "description. "

We have people f***ing and sucking, | diddling like an 11-year-old "cheerleader. "

We can bring in people from the "past. " | They get those idiotic ads - Humphrey "Bogart. "

Get your major world leaders from the past, | like Hitler, Mussolini, Genghis "Khan. "

I just thought of that!

It's not a joke! This will go on "TV."

We blow Hitler, then in the next episode | we bite his dick "off. " Ha ha!

See what happens to Hitler's "dick. " | Phenomenal!

It's a family act but it's a twist, | cos they're "retarded. "

What they do is, they get in a pile | of dead nuns and they f*** each other,

then they have a big closing | and fist-f*** an autistic "pre-teen. "

The agent says, "Well, what do you call 'em?"

And he says, "The "Osbournes. "

A lot of what is already on TV now, they would | have the dog-f***ing and the sh*t-eating "on... "

- "Friends. " | - Not on Friends but on South "Park. "

- You guys want to hear a funny joke? | - "No. "

This family walks into a talent "agency. "

Mother, father, son, daughter and a little "baby. "

The father says, | "Sir, our family has an amazing "act. "

The agent says, "Family acts are too "cutesy. "

The mother goes, "Sir, just give us two "minutes. " | We know you'll like our "act. "

The agent says, | "All right, you've got two "minutes. "

Thrilling circus music starts | as the father spins his daughter round,

- lifts her skirt and starts licking her "a**hole. " | - What?!

Then the son lays down, opens his mouth, and | the mother squats down and shits all over "him. "

- Dude! | - Hold on, hold "on. "

The father grabs the baby, | takes off his diaper and sucks his cock,

while the son, with sh*t in his mouth, | goes over and licks the baby's "balls. "

Then they take the baby | and stuff it head-first into the mother's "vagina. "

- Just "stop. " | - Hold "on. "

They get the baby halfway in | so just its legs are sticking "out. "

The son takes the sh*t out of his mouth | and rubs it all over everyone,

while the father sticks his cock | in the baby's a**hole and fucks it,

until he comes all over the baby, | the wife, son and "daughter. "

- I don't want "to... " | - Will you hold on, please?

Then the father says, "And now for our | impersonation of the victims of 9/11 "."

The family runs around | covered with sh*t, piss and come,

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