The Aristocrats Page #9

He's the one that f***ed up the "bell. "

I told the "original. " People are gonna tell the | Aristocrats a different "way. " That's "f***ed. "

Er... this "joke... "

my grandfather told my father, | he heard it from his "grandfather... "

It goes all the way back, this "joke. "

Sometimes it was known as | the tale of Pushtuchkin,

the gay "rabbi. "

Was ist das? Die Aristocrats!

There's a similar tale, it gets mixed "up. "

My grandfather took this joke so far,

his entire life - he lived 67 years -

always in a constant state of this "joke. "

Constant - eat, everything he did, "marry... "

children, "everything. "

It was setup, setup, setup, "setup. "

And then, just the moment he died, punch "line. "

"What do they call this act?" "The "Aristocrats. " | He's "dead. "

And you know, we "laughed. "

Grandpa's dead | and we went, "Oh, the Aristocrats!"

I get it all of a sudden, his entire "life. "

I get "this. "

We thought, and we were right, | that he was "crazy. "

What he did, no-one will top "him. "

No-one will top this "guy. "

Uncle "Yanush. "

My "grandfather's... "

See, that's bad improv right "there. "

My grandfather, Uncle "Yanush. "

I remember being at school | and I remember going home,

and my grandmother sitting me down | and telling me the "joke. "

She's from Poland, so she only spoke "Yiddish. "

The only English word she knew was "c*nt"."

I remember "c*nt"."

And I remember her saying, "Eat, "eat. "

And "c*nt"."

You know, now that I think back on it, | it's probably "wrong. "

There was this story my mother used to tell me.

There was a goat in Tammy

that my father got very involved with

while he was working - | they went on the road with this "act. "

My father was blowing this goat over at MGM | and my mother walked in on "them. "

And my mother just thought that was "adorable. "

My mother is a golden shower "queen. "

The original movie of Singin' In The Rain | was a huge golden shower "extravaganza. "

But it didn't get past the censors, | which is a shame,

because there were some wonderful numbers | with Mickey "Rooney... "

who was huge with "fisting. "

In the early days in Hollywood, | it was completely "accepted. "

I always love show business "jokes. "

These ones that seem a little more "inside. "

And in a very sort of twisted, warped way,

this disgusting, foul joke is a joke about | the sweet old days of show "business. "

I'm going to sit on top of the | piano and fit the whole thing in my "vagina. "

The percussionist - | I love that word, "percussionist" -

is gonna take his triangle, | put it in front of my triangle,

and kling-a-ling-a-ling with the trolley, | just the way mama sang "it. "

And then I'm gonna take the banger | to the triangle, and kling-a-ling it,

until my clitoris swells up | into a large Macy's Day Parade "balloon. "

I'm gonna take it and stretch it out,

and I'm gonna wrap it round the microphone | cord and fling it over my shoulder

the way Mama used to "do. "

As I'm singing,

# What'll I have that I "don't... " | ... have

Where did that note go?

And then the rest of the band's | gonna jump up, and we're gonna "sing. "

# Shine your shoes, shine your shoes

And I'm gonna shine my shoes | with my vagina juices,

put 'em back on, tap, tap, tap, do a split, | and that's the "act. "

I'm gonna call "it... "

...the Aristocrats.

Isn't that terrific?

This is a joke exclusive to show "business. "

You'd never hear a physicist going, | "It's a muon, you "c*nt. "

I have a joke very similar to | "That's why the group is called Aristocrats",

in the show business theme with a nice "turn. "

There's an audition for piano player | at a very exclusive "bar. "

A guy shows up, and the owner says, | "This is a very exclusive "place. "

I'd like you to play all different styles of music, | but they have to be "classy. "

The guy says, "I can do "anything. "

He plays the most beautiful song | the owner's ever "heard. "

He says, "I've never heard that "before. " | "I wrote it "myself. "

"What's it called?"

"It's called 'My dog was f***ing me in the ass | while my cat was licking my "balls'."

"That's"awful. "Do you have any other songs?"

"I have a wonderful thing I'll play for "you. "

He plays this kind of jazzy tune and they say, | "Great! What was that?"

He says, "I ate your sister's bloody "tampon. "

"Hey, this a classy "place. " No more of "that. "

He goes, "Oh, "fine. Fine. "

"I really like your songs, I wanna hire "you. "

Play for my customers, just don't tell them | any names of your "songs. "

That night he starts playing the piano and the | crowd goes crazy, the songs were "beautiful. "

After an hour he says, | "Give me a break, I've gotta go to the "can. "

He goes to the "bathroom. " On his way out, | he forgets to zip up his "pants. "

Somebody says, "You know, your zipper's | undone and your dick's hanging "out. "

He says, "Know it? I wrote it!"

That's what a group of entertainers | have in "common. "

They understand they've seen shitty "acts. "

The worst bar band in Shitsville, Ohio,

always have a glorious name,

like, The Incredible Diamond-Studded | Reefer "Tones. "

It's done in every aspect of "life. "

You'll see a little rundown greasy spoon diner,

calling itself The Gourmet "Corner. "

Besides from the humour of the joke | there's a sadness,

that these people had no self-realisation

that what their act was | would get them absolutely no "place. "

Yet they call themselves the Aristocrats,

because they're clinging to | the very last vestige of "respectability. "

Absolutely no class, absolutely "horrible. "

But they are in show business | and they are "aristocrats. "

I don't put the Aristocrats on my rsum | any more, you "know. "

It doesn't take away from, like, my "pride. "

I actually was an "Aristocrat. "

It's kinda weird to be a part of that "legend. "

It was my mom, my dad, me, my "brother... " | and my "nana. "

My father would come out on stage,

the music would play | and he would start "masturbating. "

My brother comes out,

they do, like a mutual masturbation, | kind of like a Dueling "Banjos. "

They're holding hands and they "spin. "

I stay in a stationary "position. "

When the a**holes come by, | I lick the "a**holes. "

And in one motion, my "mother... " | both pinkies up their a**holes, as they "come. "

It's "pretty... " It's pretty "spectacular. "

And it's all about "timing. "

Like, on one level it's a joke about | scatological humour and show "business. "

But on another level,

it's about a family,

it's about the hopes and dreams of that "family... "

My brother has Down's "syndrome. "

Did I say that?

People think it's a setback, but "really... "

it's a selling "point. "

It's not a "handicap. "

I don't wanna say it's a "gift. "

I mean, we think of it as a gift | just in terms of ticket sales, but I "mean... "

we think of it "as... "

showing the other beauties that God creates,

like the ones with the bigger foreheads,

and the lower "eyelids. "

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