The Aristocrats Page #2

She lies down on the stage,

I squat over her, I pull down my "pants. "

And I sh*t in her mouth, it's mostly "liquid. " | It's like a diarrhoeic "thing. "

I try to include corn and things that will not | break down in the digestive "system. "

Peanuts, of "course. "

I try to get a lot of solid objects | so that's there's a little action "too. "

It's not just a stream of brown "liquid. "

And it all goes "into... " | I can hit her mouth pretty "well. "

I do have one polyp - | I have a large, kind of a haemorrhoidal polyp

that sometimes throws my aim off | and I have "to... "

It's kind of like Kentucky windage, | but I usually get "it. "

I can hear whether it's hitting | the hollow area of her "throat. "

So I get as much as I can in there | and then she gargles with "it. "

You hear the "gargling. " She gargles and "gargles. "

And then she swallows "it. And... "

we're off- it's about five minutes "total. "

The guy says, "Oh. " What do you call the act?"

"The "Aristocrats. "

I was making that up - I guess you could "tell. "

The fun of it is where you improvise | on the grossness,

doing the John Coltrane version of "it. "

This joke was a joy for comics to tell mainly | because it was such a foul chunk of time

that you could just be describing | the most foul "things. "

There's nothing you could come up with | that would be "wrong. "

A blank slate, and you get to "play. "

You get to "play. "

How many new things could you think of | to make this group of people bizarre?

Whether it's a shuffleboard | up a nice animal's behind,

or whether people are swimming in "manure. "

A young girl comes on stage singing | Nearer My God To Thee

while juggling "torches. "

These are my two children - they pass gas to | the tune of What A Wonderful World, in "unison. "

One of the sons is playing a xylophone | with his "cock. "

A midget uncle with three d*cks | coming out of his "head. "

I come out, dressed as Hitler, | in crotchless "panties. "

I am catching the ping pong balls | and I am catching them in my "ass. "

He comes on my wife's "tits. " We wait | till it hardens and I chip it off with a "chisel. "

- Six midgets come "out... " | - They have sex in a kiddie pool,

full of beef entrails and aborted "foetuses. "

Little midgets, they all start coming, one by "one. "

And shoot thousands of jism | into hundred-dollar "seats. "

You know how the fountains at the Bellagio | are coordinated?

That was what these guys pulled "off. "

My grandmother, on the stage, has an "abortion. "

Gives birth to a three-pound Shetland "pony. "

The kids are Siamese twins, | attached at the "ass. "

My grandfather is the "jockey. " | Comes in third and paid "280."

The Siamese twins give each other | reach-arounds and jerk each other "off. "

I don't know whether the object is to be | as offensive as possible

or whether use it judiciously in the right places | as a build-up to the punch "line. "

I like to explain how to tell the joke - | you already heard the "joke. "

So when you wanna tell the joke | you have to make sure it's really "filthy. "

Guy goes into a talent agent's and says, | "I've have the greatest "act. "

"What's the act?" That's all you gotta "memorise. "

You can ad-lib, right up to the punch "line. " | All you gotta do is remember one "word. "

I always make it up, every time I tell it, | something "different. "

They would be naked, | something to do with "peeing. "

We're high-flying trapeze performers, | we fly over the audience doing triple "gainers. "

We piss over the first three "rows. "

Include "faeces. "

Takes a crap on stage, jumps in the pile of "sh*t. "

They take a big group "sh*t. "

The women slide on their asses | all the way up through this "sh*t. "

We just roll around in the "sh*t. "

And they start skating in the "sh*t. " | You know, people skate in "sh*t. "

Dabbles in the "sh*t. " Do a little "dance. " | Dabbles in piss, do a little "dance. "

Waddling in the sh*t and piss | and they're wiping it in each other's "faces. "

- One of them takes a "sh*t. " | - And everybody slides through "it. "

They end up in the splits in the "sh*t. " | They go into the splits and have a big "finish. "

That's the finish? | I thought they peed on each "other. "

Include "vomit. "

Gets sick, "vomits. " Eats the "vomit. "

Everybody starts "puking. "

One of them vomited, | and it made everybody else "sick. "

"Wait. Wait. That" made everybody sick?

Hey, sh*t and pee? No "problem. " | You add vomit - forget "it. "

"Scatological... " it's edge humour, | pushing the edge of what you can "take. "

And once the edge is crossed, | you get "hysterical. "

Me and my wife come up on "stage. " | She takes a dump in this big metal "bucket. "

She's got a bucket of sh*t, | pours on it the guy's "head. "

My son, he's three years "old. "

This is the part that's "adorable. " | Takes a bucket of sh*t, throws it in her "face. "

She takes the bucket of puke, sh*t and piss,

puts it over her head and starts parading | on stage like a little midget "Nazi. "

Such disgusting references, one after "another. "

It kind of makes its own gravy, this "joke. "

It's a disgusting "joke. "

It's "sh*t. " But the only reason I could say that | is because I'm really kind of an "aristocrat. "

Do they actually eat sh*t at any point | during the act?

Absolutely.

Shitting, and eating "it. "

She reaches into grandpa's diapers, | pulls out a bowl of sh*t and eats it like an "apple. "

I've heard bringing animals and bestiality into "it. "

I forgot the "dog. " There's a dog "too. "

And the dog! Uh-oh!

Then the dog fucks the "girl. "

That's called "bestiality. " It's in the "Bible. "

It's in my diary.

He says it's in his "diary. "

And I knew his "dog. "

I've heard "er... "

- Maybe we could do a "version. " | - All "right. "

Unbelievable - along with the dog, | the entire family is "involved. "

It's a family act which adds | such a f***ed-up dimension to it, "anyway. "

Include children in the "act. "

Unspeakable acts that the children | are performing with and on each "other. "

People can get up on stage | if they wanna finger my niece,

or touch my nephew's "penis. "

There should be high-risk behaviour, | mixing of body fluids,

blood from every "hole. "

A lot of you are probably saying, | "Wait. " Backtrack a little "here. "

Where did the blood come from? | You didn't say anything about "blood. "

Well, if a guy is fist-f***ing his daughter, | who's young and her a**hole is pretty small,

and this is a grown man, with a big "hand. "

He could be, like, a "longshoreman. "

He could have arms like "Popeye. "

Where it's like, the arm is like that wide | and her a**hole is that "small. "

Think about that for a "second. " I'll "wait. "

Well, naturally she's gonna be "bleeding. " | I'm just making a "point. "

The people are abusing each "other. " | There's "incest. "

And all the things that cross "lines. "

So you get to play with | people's little danger "zones. "

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