The Aristocrats Page #3

I f***ed my wife, | I f***ed my sister, my "son. "

Everybody's f***, f***, f***, f***, "f***. "

It's like a Tourette's syndrome "joke. "

I'm horrified and yet drawn to it, it's "like... "

a dog with three legs - | you don't wanna look but you "just... "

It's a perfect "joke. "

Just hearing out loud, | descriptions of "giddy sh*t-covered"incest"."

And other poems by Maya "Angelou. "

It is the one joke where you get to invent | every sick act you could imagine,

load it up into this joke and never actually | be accused of gilding the "lily. "

So the way I heard it was, | it was always a very sweet "beginning. "

That was what killed "me. " | The sweetness of the guy who walks in,

knocks on this very talented talent agency, | he says,

"We have an "act. " | Can I have a moment of your time?"

"You have one "minute. " Tell me about your "act. "

He says, "Well, it's a very different "act. " | It's a bit of a "novelty. "

Myself, my wife and "kids. " First I come "out. " | I'm in a tuxedo, my wife is in a "gown. "

The music starts, we do a "dance. "

My wife lifts her skirt, I start f***ing "her. "

She's sucking "me. " | My son comes in, drops his "draws. "

Now he's f***ing my "wife. " | I have a daughter, 15, she comes "in. "

My wife is going down on my son, | my son has his arm up my "daughter. "

It's a beautiful thing, music comes to a "finish. "

We're all f***ing, and everybody is "just... "

My daughter is on her back, | she grabbing my son and myself in both "hands. "

My wife is "singing. "

And then we all drop our draws | and take a huge sh*t on the "stage. "

Guy says, "That's a hell of an "act. " | What do you call yourselves?"

He says, "The "Aristocrats. "

So there is the joke, that you get to actually say | somebody had their arm up their "daughter. "

Which you don't really hear "often. "

Some people, when they tell it, | really focus on the faecal "matter. "

Other people really focus on the "incest. "

And to me, in my own personal life, | those two are rarely, if ever, "separate. "

So shock is one only thing that "happens. "

It comes with "it. " | The other thing is the art of the "joke. "

You have to see pee first, instead of sh*t "first. "

Then you go to f***, or then you go to f*** | and then pee and go to "sh*t. "

I prefer the pee "first. "

To me, you've gotta save the scatological | for the "end. "

If you put it in the middle, you have nothing | left to "close. " F***, f***, "suck. "

And then on top of that, took a big "sh*t. "

You need that separation, I "feel. " | Otherwise, it's "chaos. "

I've got it as incest next to "sh*t-eating. "

- "Dog-f***ing. " | - Dog-f***ing. I'm all about dog-f***ing.

Sh*t-eating, dog-f***ing, "incestuous. "

Me and my wife go on "stage. " | We get undressed and I start nailing "her. "

As I'm f***ing my wife | she takes a dump in this "bucket. "

My son comes out, | he pours kerosene in the bucket, lights it on "fire. "

Our trained dog Fifi comes out, jumps through | a ring of "fire. " My son fucks the "dog. "

My daughter comes out, the dog fucks "her. "

We all say, "Good night, you've been "great. " | Standing ovation every "time. "

It starts with a little "dick-sucking. "

The gals drop to their knees, | start sucking off the "boys. "

And let me tell you, | when my seven-year-old daughter

is giving a blow job to my eleven-year-old son, | it's "priceless. "

And then we move on to the "f***ing. "

"But... we" move over "one. "

Now I'm f***ing my daughter, | my son is f***ing his grandmother

and my father is f***ing my "wife. "

And then the denouement - the "butt-f***ing. "

We move over one more "time. "

So I'm f***ing my mother in the "ass. " | My son is f***ing his mother in the "ass. "

My father is f***ing his granddaughter | in the "ass. "

The men pull out, jerk off into a dish,

and the women slurp it "down. "

It's a real "crowd-pleaser. " Family "act. "

I go on stage, start to jerk off in a shot "glass. "

My wife comes out, takes a belt of my splooge, | takes off her skirt, shits in a "bucket. "

My son pulls the sh*t out of the bucket, | starts juggling it while he's pissing

into the mouth of his older sister, | who is being butt-f***ed by the "dog. "

Grandpa drops his pants, | starts f***ing the dog in the "ass. "

And the show ends with a big circle-jerk | around "Grandma. "

Here's the "kicker. " Grandma is "dead. "

I mean, it has be really filthy dirty - the "act. "

It should start off, | let's say it just starts off "titillating. "

And then it turns "pornographic. "

Then it starts to be the kind of thing | where if your daughter was involved

you'd have to go and help her, | you know, at any "cost. "

The police might not even step "in. "

And then the talent agent says, | "That's"awful. "What do you call the act?"

Like he wants to know, | like the name's the important "thing. "

I don't understand why he would say "that. " | It doesn't matter what it's "called. "

Because no-one is gonna book this "show. "

Where did these people find employment?

How did they develop this act?

What made them think this was entertaining?

I mean it's surprising they "haven't... " | that they're not all in "jail. "

I "mean... and waiting... "

waiting for the death "penalty. "

You can put people to death for what goes on | in the best versions of this "joke. "

Cos you're probably saying, | if you have any sense of human decency,

"Well, why didn't he stop them the minute | he saw the father unzipping his pants?"

And saying, "This is totally "wrong. " Call the "cops. " | Something horrible's "happening. "

This is a family | who are raping their own "children. "

And performing "bestiality. "

Why, oh, why, is he allowing this to happen?"

But that's a whole other "story. "

But, anyway, he says, "What is it called?" | Because in a joke that's what "happens. "

There's no legal system at all in play in a "joke. "

And then the guy goes, "The "Aristocrats. "

And I always throw in "that. "

That seems to make the whole "joke. " | "The "Aristocrats. "

- "The "Aristocrats. " | - Oh, "yeah. "

"The "Aristocrats. "

I think it's all in the "snap. "

Here's for "Drew. "

- How many people do that when they tell it? | - "One. "

- I'm the only one? | - "Yeah. "

Really? Oh, "man. " I always, "like... " | I always tell it like "that. "

Do they do that "or...?"

- "The "Aristocrats. " | - "The "Aristocrats. "

"The "Aristocrats. "

"The "Aristo... "

I never make it to the "end. " I "crumble. "

I say, "It's the loveliest "joke. "

Whoever told it to me, | they finish and are covered in sweat,

and they're covered in come, | and they're covered in "sh*t. And... "

"What do you call yourselves?" | "The "Aristocrats. "

Ah, it's so "great. "

I told you, I at least went like "this. "

"Aristocrats. "

Oh, no, I "like... "

That's really all there is to "it. " | You have to have blood, sh*t, piss,

and then erm... this!

So this "cocksucker... " What was it?

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