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The Aristocrats Page #4
This cocksucker fucks his sh*t "everywhere. "
The cocksucker goes into a "f***ing... "
and something "faecal... " Faecal or foetal?
And faecal "is... "
And the agent is f***ing a dog, | the Pope in the "corner. "
The trouble is, I've never heard this "joke. "
The whole sh*t thing, I think it's "just... "
The punch line doesn't "work. " The guy says, | "I've got this act, a family "act. "
The guy says, "I've got sh*t "everywhere. " | I don't want a family "act. "
No doubt that could "work. " | He says, "What do you want?"
He goes, "Am I bothering you?"
You do it "good. " Have you done it? | Give it to "me. " I'll film you "now. "
It takes a lot more skill than it looks like | to tell it "well. "
All "right. " Here it "is. "
Three people walk into | a theatrical agent's "office. "
And they say, "We have an act to show you | and we're called the "Aristocrats. "
F***!
A guy goes into a talent agent's "office. " | People make it "elaborate. " Doesn't "matter. "
It's a steamy, little, horrible, horrible "office. "
There's barely "room... " It's so funny "whenever... "
Ever been to Joe Franklin's office?
I've been in this office since 2000 BC.
I was in a different office | until they condemned the "building. "
Frank Sinatra sat here, Bette Midler. | Billy Crystal, Michael Jackson.
Julia Roberts was my secretary.
Produced the world's longest-running | TV show here.
I'm Joe "Franklin. "
It's that "office. "
Man walks into an agent's office, and it's just | like a desk and a couple of chairs, a "telephone. "
Stop dancing around, motherf***er, | and tell the f***ing "thing. "
Phone, you know, square room like a "box. "
All right, already!
You are f***in' "horrible. " Tell the joke!
- Tell the thing! | - All "right. "
My wife comes out in a beautiful evening gown | and plays Tea For Two on a "xylophone... "
- With her c*nt? | - No, no, "no. "
Then my grandparents come out | and they sing God Bless "America. "
- It's real "patriotic. " | - While f***ing each other?
Yuck! Ever see an old woman's c*nt? | It looks like Silly "Putty. "
So then "they... " You killed "me. " | You're killing me "here. "
You're a "loser. " You can't tell a f***in' "joke. "
My son comes out, I shoot him in the head | and I f*** the bullet "hole. "
Then my daughter comes on "stage. " | She's a real sexy "nine-year-old. "
I hit her on the head with an axe handle,
burn her c*nt with a curling iron
put a fish hook through my cock, | f*** her, kill her
and take a sh*t on her dead "body. "
That's the kind of delivery you "need. "
Cocksucker.
I actually stretched it out once | to two and a half "hours. "
But I blew the punch "line. "
I got all the way to the "end. " | It involved white slavery and a zeppelin "race. "
And then at the end, I go, "The "Aristocats. "
Crats! Argh!
It's the "Aristocrats," not to be confused | with the wonderful Disney film The "Aristocats. "
Often, I'd go, | "Be-pa-bada, he's sucking and "she's... "
"What do you call yourself?" | "The "Aristocats. " Oh, no - the "Aristocrats!"
So people would think that was part of the joke, | that the guy himself got the name wrong,
and people would be saying, | "Why did he say "cats" and then "crats?"
He "didn't. " I just had a "problem. " | Which was more "absurd. "
They go, "Your joke takes 11 minutes to tell, | and you don't understand the punch "line. "
So it was a bit of a dangerous joke for "me. "
But I tell it to you to help others,
so the kids who follow me | won't live the horror and the shame that I "did. "
I hate "jokes. " I can't remember "them. "
The only joke I could ever tell | is about a man who goes into a pub in "Glasgow. "
He sees another guy and the other guy | hits him over the head with an iron "bar. "
And he says, "Hey! Ow! | Are you trying to be funny?"
And the guy says, "No... " | I'm "sorry. " Can we do that again?
I'm no f***ing good at "jokes. "
I don't do jokes and I didn't even want to do this - | but when they beg, it's "ridiculous. "
With my kind of thing, it's always "attitude. "
I've never been one to pick up on "jokes. " | Not that there's anything wrong in "it. "
When I told it to Emo, he looked like, "God, that's | the joke I should have written but I never "will. "
That is an Emo "joke. "
These three guys walk "in. " | They said, "We have a great, great "act. "
They unzip their flies and pee on the "floor. "
Then they pull down their pants | and poo on the "floor. "
Then they put their fingers down their throats | and "vomit. "
Then they start "slip-sliding. "
The agent said, "What do you call yourselves?" | And they said, "The "Aristocrats. "
Then there are people who just really love | the writing of the joke and the mood of the "joke. "
And the agent says, "I love it, | but I'm not gonna book you until I see you "live. "
This weekend I'll see the Butt-F***ing | Fauntleroys and the Sh*t-Eating "Grannies. "
Presuming I like you as much as I think I will, | let me ask you "this. "
Are you married to the name the Aristocrats?"
There's a more writerly version of the "joke. "
A manager is trying to sell performers | to a club "owner. "
The club owner goes, | "OK, yeah, what's your act do?"
"A girl comes out and sucks off a donkey,
and a guy comes out, pisses on the girl, | he pisses on the "donkey... "
He says, "Listen, we have a classy joint "here. " | I'm not sure it's our kind of "act. "
"You'll enjoy the "Aristocrats. "
The manager had to come up quickly with | a name to sell the group, so there's "motivation. "
And it's a feelgood "ending. " | Gets you here and gets you "here. " You know?
I like to think the manager's lying, | that they "don't" do all that "stuff. "
They sing and they're funny but he now | has to go back and say, "I've sold "you. "
This is the sort of thing | you're gonna have to "do. "
You're gonna have to shag a donkey and "sh*t... "
"What?!"
The guy with the saxophone, "F***in' what? | What was that donkey sh*t?"
And, of course, | everybody's style in telling the "joke. "
So the William Morris office | wants to work with this act - it's a family "act. "
The Smothers Brothers is a family "act. " | What do they do?
- They do some "juggling. " | - It's a "jug... "
- It's a juggling act? | - Juggling "thing. "
The father drops one of the clubs | and asks his son to pick it up,
so his "dad... "
dad just knees him right in the "balls. "
- You're putting me "on. " | - No, "no. "
Then the mother does a topless thing | and goes down on the "father. "
- No! | - The kids come out "naked. "
- Naked children? | - Then they do a sex "act... "
- And then they throw "up. " | - They throw up?
- Where have they worked? | - All the best "places. "
- All the best places? | - Do you wanna "know... "
- Do you wanna know what "they're... " | - Not "necessarily. "
Well, ask me! It's kind of "important. "
"OK." What is their name?
The "Aristocrats. "
- The what? Aristocrats? | - The "Aristocrats. "
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"The Aristocrats" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 29 Aug. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/the_aristocrats_19682>.
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