The Aristocrats Page #4

This cocksucker fucks his sh*t "everywhere. "

The cocksucker goes into a "f***ing... "

and something "faecal... " Faecal or foetal?

And faecal "is... "

And the agent is f***ing a dog, | the Pope in the "corner. "

The trouble is, I've never heard this "joke. "

The whole sh*t thing, I think it's "just... "

The punch line doesn't "work. " The guy says, | "I've got this act, a family "act. "

The guy says, "I've got sh*t "everywhere. " | I don't want a family "act. "

No doubt that could "work. " | He says, "What do you want?"

He goes, "Am I bothering you?"

You do it "good. " Have you done it? | Give it to "me. " I'll film you "now. "

It takes a lot more skill than it looks like | to tell it "well. "

All "right. " Here it "is. "

Three people walk into | a theatrical agent's "office. "

And they say, "We have an act to show you | and we're called the "Aristocrats. "

F***!

A guy goes into a talent agent's "office. " | People make it "elaborate. " Doesn't "matter. "

It's a steamy, little, horrible, horrible "office. "

There's barely "room... " It's so funny "whenever... "

Ever been to Joe Franklin's office?

I've been in this office since 2000 BC.

I was in a different office | until they condemned the "building. "

Frank Sinatra sat here, Bette Midler. | Billy Crystal, Michael Jackson.

Julia Roberts was my secretary.

Produced the world's longest-running | TV show here.

I'm Joe "Franklin. "

It's that "office. "

Man walks into an agent's office, and it's just | like a desk and a couple of chairs, a "telephone. "

Stop dancing around, motherf***er, | and tell the f***ing "thing. "

Phone, you know, square room like a "box. "

All right, already!

You are f***in' "horrible. " Tell the joke!

- Tell the thing! | - All "right. "

My wife comes out in a beautiful evening gown | and plays Tea For Two on a "xylophone... "

- With her c*nt? | - No, no, "no. "

Then my grandparents come out | and they sing God Bless "America. "

- It's real "patriotic. " | - While f***ing each other?

Yuck! Ever see an old woman's c*nt? | It looks like Silly "Putty. "

So then "they... " You killed "me. " | You're killing me "here. "

You're a "loser. " You can't tell a f***in' "joke. "

My son comes out, I shoot him in the head | and I f*** the bullet "hole. "

Then my daughter comes on "stage. " | She's a real sexy "nine-year-old. "

I hit her on the head with an axe handle,

burn her c*nt with a curling iron

put a fish hook through my cock, | f*** her, kill her

and take a sh*t on her dead "body. "

That's the kind of delivery you "need. "

Cocksucker.

I actually stretched it out once | to two and a half "hours. "

But I blew the punch "line. "

I got all the way to the "end. " | It involved white slavery and a zeppelin "race. "

And then at the end, I go, "The "Aristocats. "

Crats! Argh!

It's the "Aristocrats," not to be confused | with the wonderful Disney film The "Aristocats. "

Often, I'd go, | "Be-pa-bada, he's sucking and "she's... "

"What do you call yourself?" | "The "Aristocats. " Oh, no - the "Aristocrats!"

So people would think that was part of the joke, | that the guy himself got the name wrong,

and people would be saying, | "Why did he say "cats" and then "crats?"

He "didn't. " I just had a "problem. " | Which was more "absurd. "

They go, "Your joke takes 11 minutes to tell, | and you don't understand the punch "line. "

So it was a bit of a dangerous joke for "me. "

But I tell it to you to help others,

so the kids who follow me | won't live the horror and the shame that I "did. "

I hate "jokes. " I can't remember "them. "

The only joke I could ever tell | is about a man who goes into a pub in "Glasgow. "

He sees another guy and the other guy | hits him over the head with an iron "bar. "

And he says, "Hey! Ow! | Are you trying to be funny?"

And the guy says, "No... " | I'm "sorry. " Can we do that again?

I'm no f***ing good at "jokes. "

I don't do jokes and I didn't even want to do this - | but when they beg, it's "ridiculous. "

With my kind of thing, it's always "attitude. "

I've never been one to pick up on "jokes. " | Not that there's anything wrong in "it. "

When I told it to Emo, he looked like, "God, that's | the joke I should have written but I never "will. "

That is an Emo "joke. "

These three guys walk "in. " | They said, "We have a great, great "act. "

They unzip their flies and pee on the "floor. "

Then they pull down their pants | and poo on the "floor. "

Then they put their fingers down their throats | and "vomit. "

Then they start "slip-sliding. "

The agent said, "What do you call yourselves?" | And they said, "The "Aristocrats. "

Then there are people who just really love | the writing of the joke and the mood of the "joke. "

And the agent says, "I love it, | but I'm not gonna book you until I see you "live. "

This weekend I'll see the Butt-F***ing | Fauntleroys and the Sh*t-Eating "Grannies. "

Presuming I like you as much as I think I will, | let me ask you "this. "

Are you married to the name the Aristocrats?"

There's a more writerly version of the "joke. "

A manager is trying to sell performers | to a club "owner. "

The club owner goes, | "OK, yeah, what's your act do?"

"A girl comes out and sucks off a donkey,

and a guy comes out, pisses on the girl, | he pisses on the "donkey... "

He says, "Listen, we have a classy joint "here. " | I'm not sure it's our kind of "act. "

"You'll enjoy the "Aristocrats. "

The manager had to come up quickly with | a name to sell the group, so there's "motivation. "

And it's a feelgood "ending. " | Gets you here and gets you "here. " You know?

I like to think the manager's lying, | that they "don't" do all that "stuff. "

They sing and they're funny but he now | has to go back and say, "I've sold "you. "

This is the sort of thing | you're gonna have to "do. "

You're gonna have to shag a donkey and "sh*t... "

"What?!"

The guy with the saxophone, "F***in' what? | What was that donkey sh*t?"

And, of course, | everybody's style in telling the "joke. "

So the William Morris office | wants to work with this act - it's a family "act. "

The Smothers Brothers is a family "act. " | What do they do?

- They do some "juggling. " | - It's a "jug... "

- It's a juggling act? | - Juggling "thing. "

The father drops one of the clubs | and asks his son to pick it up,

so his "dad... "

dad just knees him right in the "balls. "

- You're putting me "on. " | - No, "no. "

Then the mother does a topless thing | and goes down on the "father. "

- No! | - The kids come out "naked. "

- Naked children? | - Then they do a sex "act... "

- And then they throw "up. " | - They throw up?

- Where have they worked? | - All the best "places. "

- All the best places? | - Do you wanna "know... "

- Do you wanna know what "they're... " | - Not "necessarily. "

Well, ask me! It's kind of "important. "

"OK." What is their name?

The "Aristocrats. "

- The what? Aristocrats? | - The "Aristocrats. "

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