![Find The Aristocrats on Amazon](https://images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/M/MV5BZGQ0NmI1N2EtYzdkYy00NzFmLThlYTMtOWViYjQyOGQ2OWVlXkEyXkFqcGdeQXVyMTQxNzMzNDI@._V1_SX300.jpg)
The Aristocrats Page #5
- You didn't think that's funny? | - "No. "
It's a "classic. "
What makes that a classic?
A classic withstands the test of time | and the Aristocrats is one of those classic jokes
that has gone through 50, 60, 70 "years... "
So, no matter how many times I hear it, | I'll still think it's funny?
Whenever you say "Aristocrats" | the audience falls "down. "
- I "didn't. " | - Well, you're a straight "man. "
You're not supposed "to. "
The Aristocrats is so much about | the kind of signature that a comedian puts on "it. "
That's what we "do. " You make it your "own. "
In the Amish version - the father flicks on a light, | the mother's using a radio remote,
watching "television. " | He goes, "What do you call yourselves?"
"Tis well we call ourselves the "Aristocrats. "
That's the last "thing... "
First I come out on stage - and I am pregnant -
a friend of mine comes out | and he starts f***ing me up the "ass. "
The baby starts sucking the penis | of the guy who's f***ing me up the "ass. "
I start getting contractions and giving "birth. "
The baby starts coming out and come | starts coming out of the baby's "mouth. "
I mean, come on, | what is more beautiful than birth?
This woman comes into his office | and wants "representation. "
She says, "I'm the "centrepiece. "
My husband comes out, he bends down, | he goes down on "me. "
We used to have Grandma blowing Grandpa
while she had a kazoo out of her ass | playing Begin The "Beguine. "
But she claims that these days | she doesn't have the wind for it any "more. "
Personally, I think she's tired | of blowing the guy after 54 "years. "
Comedians have done it in the way they tell it, | but as you're listening
your own personal orientations | you bring to this joke,
so it's funny for different "reasons. "
Sure I coulda told it some other "way. "
Some scatological bullshit that these boys "love. "
No, I needed the woman's point of "view. "
And you notice, the first sex act | was the husband going down on the "woman. "
The man would have had a blowj*b in "there. "
Grandma, by the way, | is a talent, a gift "beyond. "
If she was born in another era, | she could have "been... "
Liza "Minnelli. " That "talented. "
But because she was in | the wrong time and place,
she ended up playing Begin The Beguine | out of her "a**hole. "
There are different rules for "women. "
Men, they can "get... " | Men are expected to talk "dirty. "
And women are supposed to be "ladylike. "
They won't take it from Phyllis | because that's not Phyllis's "demeanour. "
They'll definitely take it from me | because if I don't say "cock" they're "pissed. "
Males have a cruder sense of "humour. "
A female wouldn't ever really create that "joke. "
I'm sick of women going, "It's a guy "thing. " | It's a "joke. "
If funny is a guy thing, you know what? | I'll strap it "on. "
Cos I go and I do stuff and people say, | "What, you didn't curse?"
I'm trying not to do that, you "know. " | I'm trying to be genteel and "sh*t. "
But it doesn't work for "me. "
So when I would tell a joke like this,
it would be all about dripping penises "and... "
maybe pulling foreskins back | and making helmets out of "'em. "
It would be the whole "thing. "
Why don't you do your version?
Because you've already got versions like "that. "
- I don't think we have. | - Oh, I bet you "do. "
I bet you "do. " I know you "do. "
Four guys walk "in. " They say, "Let's see the "act. "
The four guys take their pants down,
they take their giant penises | and they take the foreskin and go like "this. "
They pull up the penises like this and they go, | "Wow. "
They pull it down over themselves | and start to "sing... "
# Hallelujah, hallelujah
# I give the world "to... "
That's the kind of joke I would f***in' "tell. "
How could you clean that joke up? | I guess you could say "making"love"."
But they're brothers and sisters | so it's already "incest. "
You're already in a big "hole. "
Well, actually, when the curtain rises,
there we are on stage - | me, my two daughters, my wife,
and a gorilla named Daisy | from the Belgian "Congo. "
My daughter pulls my index finger, | at which point I let out a thunderous "fart. "
My wife does a very sexy striptease dance | on a "tom-tom. "
Following that, I have a violent love affair | with the gorilla Daisy, if you know what I "mean. "
But have no fear, if there are any children, | they'll be brought up as Catholics, you "see. "
He was in purple, she was in "heliotrope. "
They would come "in... " | They had two black "satchels. "
They said, "We work in "one. " It's an "olio. "
And the band will "go... "
And he opens up the black case | and there's a silver hammer in "it. "
His wife pulls out the chair | and he sits down upon the "chair. "
His wife takes the hammer | and with a great, swift movement -
bang! - Hits her husband right in the "forehead. "
He goes ass over tea kettle back down,
over the couch, over the agents, | back in and pulls the drapes "down. "
The agent says, "My God, | I've never seen anything like that in my life!"
"Thank you very "much. " | He picks up the hammer, puts it away,
then he picks up that case, | picks up the other "one. "
They're about to leave and he says,
"Excuse me, just for curiosity,
what's in the other case?"
And he says, "Tylenol. "
"And what's the name of your act?"
"We call "ourselves... The Sophisticates. "
That's how I heard "it. "
They are my generation of "entertainer. " | We were all together at the same "time. "
You had to work clean | because there were signs backstage,
"No dirty "material. " Nothing "blue. "
You got vaudeville and the chitlin' "circuit. "
A black comic can always be "dirty. "
Couldn't get on TV | so he weren't worried about who we "offended. "
They'd be dirty on "stage. " It didn't "matter. "
So, a joke where part of the fun is that you're | dirty, and they could tell it anytime they "want. "
C*cks and "c*nts. " That's where it's "at. "
Seinfeld never "cursed. " I told you "that. "
- Be like "Seinfeld. " | - All "right. "
Did you ever notice when you kick your girlfriend | in the c*nt she calls the cops on you?
In all of art it's the singer, not the "song. "
You see that when you hear jazz musicians | who play the same song over and over "again. "
You hear one note of Coltrane, | you know it's "Coltrane. "
But I never understood it | as so clear in "comedy. "
When someone tells the Aristocrats very clearly, | it's the singer, not the "song. "
Here's the "joke. " A guy goes into a talent "agent's. "
He says, "I just saw the most amazing "act. " | You should hire this "act. " It's "incredible. "
And the agent says, | "Well, tell me what "happens. "
He says:
Well, there's a family out on the "stage. "There's a husband and a wife | and three little girls, like 12, 8 and "4."
They're just sitting there and they're all "reading. "
There's a little ceramic ballerina | going around playing Mozart "music. "
Translation
Translate and read this script in other languages:
Select another language:
- - Select -
- 简体中文 (Chinese - Simplified)
- 繁體中文 (Chinese - Traditional)
- Español (Spanish)
- Esperanto (Esperanto)
- 日本語 (Japanese)
- Português (Portuguese)
- Deutsch (German)
- العربية (Arabic)
- Français (French)
- Русский (Russian)
- ಕನ್ನಡ (Kannada)
- 한국어 (Korean)
- עברית (Hebrew)
- Gaeilge (Irish)
- Українська (Ukrainian)
- اردو (Urdu)
- Magyar (Hungarian)
- मानक हिन्दी (Hindi)
- Indonesia (Indonesian)
- Italiano (Italian)
- தமிழ் (Tamil)
- Türkçe (Turkish)
- తెలుగు (Telugu)
- ภาษาไทย (Thai)
- Tiếng Việt (Vietnamese)
- Čeština (Czech)
- Polski (Polish)
- Bahasa Indonesia (Indonesian)
- Românește (Romanian)
- Nederlands (Dutch)
- Ελληνικά (Greek)
- Latinum (Latin)
- Svenska (Swedish)
- Dansk (Danish)
- Suomi (Finnish)
- فارسی (Persian)
- ייִדיש (Yiddish)
- հայերեն (Armenian)
- Norsk (Norwegian)
- English (English)
Citation
Use the citation below to add this screenplay to your bibliography:
Style:MLAChicagoAPA
"The Aristocrats" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 29 Aug. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/the_aristocrats_19682>.
Discuss this script with the community:
Report Comment
We're doing our best to make sure our content is useful, accurate and safe.
If by any chance you spot an inappropriate comment while navigating through our website please use this form to let us know, and we'll take care of it shortly.
Attachment
You need to be logged in to favorite.
Log In