The Aristocrats Page #5

- You didn't think that's funny? | - "No. "

It's a "classic. "

What makes that a classic?

A classic withstands the test of time | and the Aristocrats is one of those classic jokes

that has gone through 50, 60, 70 "years... "

So, no matter how many times I hear it, | I'll still think it's funny?

Whenever you say "Aristocrats" | the audience falls "down. "

- I "didn't. " | - Well, you're a straight "man. "

You're not supposed "to. "

The Aristocrats is so much about | the kind of signature that a comedian puts on "it. "

That's what we "do. " You make it your "own. "

In the Amish version - the father flicks on a light, | the mother's using a radio remote,

watching "television. " | He goes, "What do you call yourselves?"

"Tis well we call ourselves the "Aristocrats. "

That's the last "thing... "

First I come out on stage - and I am pregnant -

a friend of mine comes out | and he starts f***ing me up the "ass. "

The baby starts sucking the penis | of the guy who's f***ing me up the "ass. "

I start getting contractions and giving "birth. "

The baby starts coming out and come | starts coming out of the baby's "mouth. "

I mean, come on, | what is more beautiful than birth?

This woman comes into his office | and wants "representation. "

She says, "I'm the "centrepiece. "

My husband comes out, he bends down, | he goes down on "me. "

We used to have Grandma blowing Grandpa

while she had a kazoo out of her ass | playing Begin The "Beguine. "

But she claims that these days | she doesn't have the wind for it any "more. "

Personally, I think she's tired | of blowing the guy after 54 "years. "

Comedians have done it in the way they tell it, | but as you're listening

your own personal orientations | you bring to this joke,

so it's funny for different "reasons. "

Sure I coulda told it some other "way. "

Some scatological bullshit that these boys "love. "

No, I needed the woman's point of "view. "

And you notice, the first sex act | was the husband going down on the "woman. "

The man would have had a blowj*b in "there. "

Grandma, by the way, | is a talent, a gift "beyond. "

If she was born in another era, | she could have "been... "

Liza "Minnelli. " That "talented. "

But because she was in | the wrong time and place,

she ended up playing Begin The Beguine | out of her "a**hole. "

There are different rules for "women. "

Men, they can "get... " | Men are expected to talk "dirty. "

And women are supposed to be "ladylike. "

They won't take it from Phyllis | because that's not Phyllis's "demeanour. "

They'll definitely take it from me | because if I don't say "cock" they're "pissed. "

Males have a cruder sense of "humour. "

A female wouldn't ever really create that "joke. "

I'm sick of women going, "It's a guy "thing. " | It's a "joke. "

If funny is a guy thing, you know what? | I'll strap it "on. "

Cos I go and I do stuff and people say, | "What, you didn't curse?"

I'm trying not to do that, you "know. " | I'm trying to be genteel and "sh*t. "

But it doesn't work for "me. "

So when I would tell a joke like this,

it would be all about dripping penises "and... "

maybe pulling foreskins back | and making helmets out of "'em. "

It would be the whole "thing. "

Why don't you do your version?

Because you've already got versions like "that. "

- I don't think we have. | - Oh, I bet you "do. "

I bet you "do. " I know you "do. "

Four guys walk "in. " They say, "Let's see the "act. "

The four guys take their pants down,

they take their giant penises | and they take the foreskin and go like "this. "

They pull up the penises like this and they go, | "Wow. "

They pull it down over themselves | and start to "sing... "

# Hallelujah, hallelujah

# I give the world "to... "

That's the kind of joke I would f***in' "tell. "

How could you clean that joke up? | I guess you could say "making"love"."

But they're brothers and sisters | so it's already "incest. "

You're already in a big "hole. "

Well, actually, when the curtain rises,

there we are on stage - | me, my two daughters, my wife,

and a gorilla named Daisy | from the Belgian "Congo. "

My daughter pulls my index finger, | at which point I let out a thunderous "fart. "

My wife does a very sexy striptease dance | on a "tom-tom. "

Following that, I have a violent love affair | with the gorilla Daisy, if you know what I "mean. "

But have no fear, if there are any children, | they'll be brought up as Catholics, you "see. "

He was in purple, she was in "heliotrope. "

They would come "in... " | They had two black "satchels. "

They said, "We work in "one. " It's an "olio. "

And the band will "go... "

And he opens up the black case | and there's a silver hammer in "it. "

His wife pulls out the chair | and he sits down upon the "chair. "

His wife takes the hammer | and with a great, swift movement -

bang! - Hits her husband right in the "forehead. "

He goes ass over tea kettle back down,

over the couch, over the agents, | back in and pulls the drapes "down. "

The agent says, "My God, | I've never seen anything like that in my life!"

"Thank you very "much. " | He picks up the hammer, puts it away,

then he picks up that case, | picks up the other "one. "

They're about to leave and he says,

"Excuse me, just for curiosity,

what's in the other case?"

And he says, "Tylenol. "

"And what's the name of your act?"

"We call "ourselves... The Sophisticates. "

That's how I heard "it. "

They are my generation of "entertainer. " | We were all together at the same "time. "

You had to work clean | because there were signs backstage,

"No dirty "material. " Nothing "blue. "

You got vaudeville and the chitlin' "circuit. "

A black comic can always be "dirty. "

Couldn't get on TV | so he weren't worried about who we "offended. "

They'd be dirty on "stage. " It didn't "matter. "

So, a joke where part of the fun is that you're | dirty, and they could tell it anytime they "want. "

C*cks and "c*nts. " That's where it's "at. "

Seinfeld never "cursed. " I told you "that. "

- Be like "Seinfeld. " | - All "right. "

Did you ever notice when you kick your girlfriend | in the c*nt she calls the cops on you?

In all of art it's the singer, not the "song. "

You see that when you hear jazz musicians | who play the same song over and over "again. "

You hear one note of Coltrane, | you know it's "Coltrane. "

But I never understood it | as so clear in "comedy. "

When someone tells the Aristocrats very clearly, | it's the singer, not the "song. "

Here's the "joke. " A guy goes into a talent "agent's. "

He says, "I just saw the most amazing "act. " | You should hire this "act. " It's "incredible. "

And the agent says, | "Well, tell me what "happens. "

He says:
Well, there's a family out on the "stage. "

There's a husband and a wife | and three little girls, like 12, 8 and "4."

They're just sitting there and they're all "reading. "

There's a little ceramic ballerina | going around playing Mozart "music. "

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