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The Aristocrats Page #6
It's very calm and the lighting is "beautiful. "
And then the father gets up | and he walks off stage
and he comes back with flowers
and he gives one to the wife | and one to each of the "daughters. "
They go, "Oh, Daddy, we love "you. " | "You're my precious "angels. "
And everything is so "nice. Smiling. "
Then the father gets up and he leaves again
and he comes back with a big bottle of whisky | and a baseball "bat. "
and he goes to the wife and starts | smashing her round the shoulders and "legs. "
He's banging her legs | and there's blood gushing everywhere
and the daughters are screaming and he chases | them and smashes them on the back of the "leg. "
There's screaming and blood "everywhere. "
And the guy said, "That's "horrible... "
The agent said, | "That's the most horrible thing I've ever "heard. "
What could this thing be called? | What is this? What is it?"
And the guy said, "It's called the "Aristocrats. "
And then they just blankly looked | at each other for a while and "then... "
the agent said, "I'd like to see that, "actually. "
It's this family - the Cavanaghs - | Anne and "William. "
They're eating dinner and they just "finish. "
Their maid comes in and she clears the "plates. "
They have two children - Betsy and "Timmy. "
Anne suggests | that they all go into the drawing room,
where Anne then braids | Betsy's beautiful blonde "hair. "
The husband plays chess with "Timmy. "
Then the maid comes in | with strawberries and whipped "cream. "
They all eat a nice "dessert. "
That's the "act. "
- What would you call an act like that? | - The Cocksucking "Motherfuckers. "
There is another which uses the same word - | aristocrats - so maybe we can go there "instead. "
There were three missionaries -
a Catholic, a Buddhist and a Jew - | who were out in the middle of "Africa. "
They were caught by "headhunters. "
The chief came up and said, | "Good afternoon, "gentlemen. "
You have your options - death "or... " | you can meet the "Aristocrats. "
First is the Jewish "rabbi. "
"Have you made up your mind?" | He says, "Absolutely. "
Perhaps there's an "afterlife. " | I'm not really sure about "that. "
We certainly value the life on "Earth. "
I have decided I will go with | meeting the "Aristocrats. "
Out come about 14 men, | wearing just the skimpiest little "loincloths. "
They ream him in every "orifice. "
They throw his body "up. " | They throw his body "down. "
He is completely covered | with aborigine "spermatozoa. "
They leave him, basically, | as a floppy little rag doll, over in the "bushes. "
He asks the Catholic priest, "How about you?"
"Still the same deal?" And he says, "Yeah, | you can either die or deal with the "Aristocrats. "
He says, "Horrible as that is, | I am no stranger to certain aspects of "it. "
I do see that the man over there is still "breathing. " | I could stay alive and help my "parishioners. "
I will take "the... I" guess, the "Aristocrats. "
It's same song, second "verse. "
They have him in so many ways | that he has never even dreamt "of. "
He is lying, panting barely audible breaths, | lying in the "underbrush. "
The Buddhist says, "I believe | that we are only here for a short time "anyway. "
I will take "death. "
The chief says, "OK, "fine. " Death it "is. "
But, first, the "Aristocrats. "
So, that'll be my Aristocrats "joke. " | You've got 75 people telling the f***ing "thing. "
This joke is one of those songs, I guess, | like Mr Tambourine "Man. "
You could sing it like Bob Dylan | or you could sing it like The "Byrds. "
You could sing it rough or make it "sweet. "
There's not that many jokes like "this. "
We were influenced | by one of the greatest juggling acts of all "time. "
- They'd be completely "naked. " | - At this point, he would penetrate the other "guy. "
The top guy would actually defecate | on the bottom "guy. "
They would actually juggle six severed, flaming, | elephant "penises. "
Yeah.
The were called The Incredible Towering
Flaming Naked | Elephant Penis Juggling "Brothers. "
They changed it to the "Aristocrats. "
You can make the joke funny | and still keep it in your "personality. "
I saw Christopher Walken tell that "story. "
I think it was James Lipton's | Cocksucking "Extravaganza. "
He laid claim to the story actually "happening. "
This "happened. " My uncle was a talent "agent. " | Sort of a Broadway Danny Rose sort of "guy. "
A man comes in and says to my uncle,
"I think I might have the act | that you're looking "for. "
It involves my whole "family. "
My uncle stopped him and "said... "
"That's "crazy. " What do you mean, | your whole family?"
The man says, "A gift my wife has | is unloaded on the audience
and that is projectile "vomiting. "
It's all over the front "row. "
Gallagher, that putz, would wish... this sort "of... "
"... this" sort of thing was possible | from a "watermelon. " Forget "it. "
This is what's happening to my "uncle. " | He starts to "chuckle. "
But he also is frightened for his "life. "
He senses, "Ask the name first, then get him "out. "
Don't give him the bum's rush | cos this f*** will kill "you. Clearly. "
To me, in this joke, | you get to show off your "writing. " Sort "of. "
A family walks into the agent's office | and they want to audition their new "act. "
Mom does a naked cartwheel through the air | and lands flat on her "back. "
She spreads her legs wide | and turns over to "reveal... "
a cherry-coloured "ass. "
Son comes over and begins to jack "off. "
The vigour of youth allows him to do this | over and over "again. "
Sis, whose tits are practically non-existent, | suddenly gets down on all "fours. "
Her hairless paper cut begins twitching | with "anticipation. "
Dad springs into "action. "
He spins his daughter around | and gives her a little bit of "69."
Just then there's a blinding spray | that covers the entire family
and Grandma rides in on a red bicycle, | pisses all over everyone, and says, "Ta-da!"
The agent says, "That's "amazing. " | What do you call yourselves?"
Grandma "says... " "The "Aristocrats. "
We saw the act and it just dumbstruck Teller, | quite "literally. "
I can go into the whole "thing. "
The father who played the bagpipes out his ass,
the mother who did this whole weird thing | with menstrual blood, and "er... "
Yeah, "beautiful. " But the part that killed us | the most was this little cute "kid. " About six?
The kid had this enormous "cock. "
It was the size "of... you know... "
Oh, like the size of a bottle, like "that. "
And he started jerking and jerking | and jerking and "jerking. "
Just as he got to the final end, | he would just jerk, jerk, and the kid "had... "
The whole head of his cock blew "off. "
And we said, "Fabulous. Fabulous. "
Teller couldn't talk any "longer. " | He was just "shocked. Dumbstruck. "
The kid was also "dumbstruck. " | He had the head of his cock blown "off. "
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"The Aristocrats" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 29 Aug. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/the_aristocrats_19682>.
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