The Aristocrats Page #6

It's very calm and the lighting is "beautiful. "

And then the father gets up | and he walks off stage

and he comes back with flowers

and he gives one to the wife | and one to each of the "daughters. "

They go, "Oh, Daddy, we love "you. " | "You're my precious "angels. "

And everything is so "nice. Smiling. "

Then the father gets up and he leaves again

and he comes back with a big bottle of whisky | and a baseball "bat. "

He starts drinking the whisky

and he goes to the wife and starts | smashing her round the shoulders and "legs. "

He's banging her legs | and there's blood gushing everywhere

and the daughters are screaming and he chases | them and smashes them on the back of the "leg. "

There's screaming and blood "everywhere. "

And the guy said, "That's "horrible... "

The agent said, | "That's the most horrible thing I've ever "heard. "

What could this thing be called? | What is this? What is it?"

And the guy said, "It's called the "Aristocrats. "

And then they just blankly looked | at each other for a while and "then... "

the agent said, "I'd like to see that, "actually. "

It's this family - the Cavanaghs - | Anne and "William. "

They're eating dinner and they just "finish. "

Their maid comes in and she clears the "plates. "

They have two children - Betsy and "Timmy. "

Anne suggests | that they all go into the drawing room,

where Anne then braids | Betsy's beautiful blonde "hair. "

The husband plays chess with "Timmy. "

Then the maid comes in | with strawberries and whipped "cream. "

They all eat a nice "dessert. "

That's the "act. "

- What would you call an act like that? | - The Cocksucking "Motherfuckers. "

There is another which uses the same word - | aristocrats - so maybe we can go there "instead. "

There were three missionaries -

a Catholic, a Buddhist and a Jew - | who were out in the middle of "Africa. "

They were caught by "headhunters. "

The chief came up and said, | "Good afternoon, "gentlemen. "

You have your options - death "or... " | you can meet the "Aristocrats. "

First is the Jewish "rabbi. "

"Have you made up your mind?" | He says, "Absolutely. "

Perhaps there's an "afterlife. " | I'm not really sure about "that. "

We certainly value the life on "Earth. "

I have decided I will go with | meeting the "Aristocrats. "

Out come about 14 men, | wearing just the skimpiest little "loincloths. "

They ream him in every "orifice. "

They throw his body "up. " | They throw his body "down. "

He is completely covered | with aborigine "spermatozoa. "

They leave him, basically, | as a floppy little rag doll, over in the "bushes. "

He asks the Catholic priest, "How about you?"

"Still the same deal?" And he says, "Yeah, | you can either die or deal with the "Aristocrats. "

He says, "Horrible as that is, | I am no stranger to certain aspects of "it. "

I do see that the man over there is still "breathing. " | I could stay alive and help my "parishioners. "

I will take "the... I" guess, the "Aristocrats. "

It's same song, second "verse. "

They have him in so many ways | that he has never even dreamt "of. "

He is lying, panting barely audible breaths, | lying in the "underbrush. "

The Buddhist says, "I believe | that we are only here for a short time "anyway. "

I will take "death. "

The chief says, "OK, "fine. " Death it "is. "

But, first, the "Aristocrats. "

So, that'll be my Aristocrats "joke. " | You've got 75 people telling the f***ing "thing. "

This joke is one of those songs, I guess, | like Mr Tambourine "Man. "

You could sing it like Bob Dylan | or you could sing it like The "Byrds. "

You could sing it rough or make it "sweet. "

There's not that many jokes like "this. "

We were influenced | by one of the greatest juggling acts of all "time. "

- They'd be completely "naked. " | - At this point, he would penetrate the other "guy. "

The top guy would actually defecate | on the bottom "guy. "

They would actually juggle six severed, flaming, | elephant "penises. "

Yeah.

The were called The Incredible Towering

Flaming Naked | Elephant Penis Juggling "Brothers. "

They changed it to the "Aristocrats. "

You can make the joke funny | and still keep it in your "personality. "

I saw Christopher Walken tell that "story. "

I think it was James Lipton's | Cocksucking "Extravaganza. "

He laid claim to the story actually "happening. "

This "happened. " My uncle was a talent "agent. " | Sort of a Broadway Danny Rose sort of "guy. "

A man comes in and says to my uncle,

"I think I might have the act | that you're looking "for. "

It involves my whole "family. "

My uncle stopped him and "said... "

"That's "crazy. " What do you mean, | your whole family?"

The man says, "A gift my wife has | is unloaded on the audience

and that is projectile "vomiting. "

It's all over the front "row. "

Gallagher, that putz, would wish... this sort "of... "

"... this" sort of thing was possible | from a "watermelon. " Forget "it. "

This is what's happening to my "uncle. " | He starts to "chuckle. "

But he also is frightened for his "life. "

He senses, "Ask the name first, then get him "out. "

Don't give him the bum's rush | cos this f*** will kill "you. Clearly. "

To me, in this joke, | you get to show off your "writing. " Sort "of. "

A family walks into the agent's office | and they want to audition their new "act. "

Mom does a naked cartwheel through the air | and lands flat on her "back. "

She spreads her legs wide | and turns over to "reveal... "

a cherry-coloured "ass. "

Son comes over and begins to jack "off. "

The vigour of youth allows him to do this | over and over "again. "

Sis, whose tits are practically non-existent, | suddenly gets down on all "fours. "

Her hairless paper cut begins twitching | with "anticipation. "

Dad springs into "action. "

He spins his daughter around | and gives her a little bit of "69."

Just then there's a blinding spray | that covers the entire family

and Grandma rides in on a red bicycle, | pisses all over everyone, and says, "Ta-da!"

The agent says, "That's "amazing. " | What do you call yourselves?"

Grandma "says... " "The "Aristocrats. "

We saw the act and it just dumbstruck Teller, | quite "literally. "

I can go into the whole "thing. "

The father who played the bagpipes out his ass,

the mother who did this whole weird thing | with menstrual blood, and "er... "

Yeah, "beautiful. " But the part that killed us | the most was this little cute "kid. " About six?

The kid had this enormous "cock. "

It was the size "of... you know... "

Oh, like the size of a bottle, like "that. "

And he started jerking and jerking | and jerking and "jerking. "

Just as he got to the final end, | he would just jerk, jerk, and the kid "had... "

The whole head of his cock blew "off. "

And we said, "Fabulous. Fabulous. "

Teller couldn't talk any "longer. " | He was just "shocked. Dumbstruck. "

Just never spoke "again. "

The kid was also "dumbstruck. " | He had the head of his cock blown "off. "

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