The Aristocrats Page #7

You're telling a joke in your own words | and creating your own "setup. "

If that can be personalised, | then that's a form of "writing. "

First I come in there | and I start to get loosened up a little "bit. "

Then I start to stretch my "face. "

Then I like to celebrate the "theatre. Comedy. "

Tragedy.

And then Uncle Louie comes "in. "

And then cousin "Eddie. " | He just came back from Russia with the "army. "

# Deutschland Deutschland, Yugoslavia

I got "it. "

And then, Aunt Sadie comes in | and does an acrobatic "number. "

Hey-oh!

A guy goes into a talent agent and he says, | "Dude, check it "out. " I've got a great "act. "

He's like, "It's not a f***in' prop act, is it?"

I would tell that joke | but I only work off "prompter. "

So unless I can look in the prompter and "see... "

Was it, "Fingering the daughter and eating sh*t | out of the grandmother's ass"?

I'd hate to get something like that wrong | cos it seems to be so delicately "worded. "

We all have different kinds of cartoons | playing in the comic's "mind. "

Murray the agent barges into | Stan the variety booker's "office. "

Stan goes, "No, no, no! No, you don't!

You always bring me | the worst acts in the "universe. "

"This one is completely different, Stan, | it's a family "act. "

First the father comes out, | naked as the day he was "born. "

And he sets up a "ladder. "

Then Mom comes out, | and she looks fantastic for her "age. "

She climbs halfway up the ladder, | naked as the day she was "born. "

Then Junior steps out, a strapping young lad, | naked as the day he was "born. "

And he climbs all the way | to the top of the "ladder. "

Dad lights a cigar, gets it smoking good,

sticks it in Mom's ass, she blows a smoke ring | out of her twat and the son dives through "it. "

Everybody loves it in circuses | where they fit a bunch of clowns in a car,

and they all come out, and in the audience | you see the kids' eyes just open up with "awe. "

It's just the most amazing "thing. "

It's like that, | except we all fit into this woman's "c*nt. "

She rides around a little ring on a bicycle,

and when she stops, we all pop out of her c*nt

and spit c*nt juice at the audience, | which gets them "involved. "

They get a little wet - | it's like kind of a Gallagher "thing. "

Sometimes there's mucous | and little c*nt "loogies. "

And we can make little animals | and things like that out of "the... "

the c*nt "snot. "

And we give those to the "kids. "

Terrific.

Others will have more irony | or slightly more "sarcasm. "

A wry sense of looking at the "world. "

The guy goes in to get an "agent. " | The agent says, "What do you guys do?"

"My wife and "I... " Have you heard this one?

It wouldn't be The Onion | if it didn't have Jesus in it.

We have to have the grandfather | f***ing Jesus in the "ass. "

You know what is offensive now? Gay "bashing. "

But if it's gay bashing, | we can't have any gay sex in the "act. "

Throwing in gay sex has never deterred anyone | from bashing "gays. "

I think they could do "both. "

I think they could sodomise Jesus up the ass | and "say... "

"This is because you're a "f*ggot. "

"You probably like this, f*ggot!"

There are guys who are made to tell this "joke. "

Some people think I have a reputation of being | a dirty "comedian. " I don't want to expose "that. "

I'm really a family kind of oriented "guy. "

Which brings me to this "joke. "

Oh, "Saget. " Now there is a man who walks | around telling the Aristocrat joke in "life. "

That's my friend Paul, | and I'm looking at his "dinger. "

He's got a very huge "wiener. " It's about that "big. "

I believe that's Shandling's "joke. " I'm pretty "sure. "

When you lift something, it better be a "cock. "

Once for Hanukkah, he gave "me... " | some slim "Tampax. "

He said, "Leave 'em out, | so guys will think you're really "tight. "

Here we "go. " This "family... "

mother, father and four "kids. "

Doesn't matter if they're boys or girls, | they're going to be used anyway as just a "hole. "

It's what this joke's about anyway, | using your "kid... "

They have a paper route, | they go to "school... and" then you f*** "'em. "

His aim is to get as many disgusting thoughts | into sentences as "possible. "

The agent goes, "What do you people do?"

The father's, like, "Watch "us. "

He takes his wife's bra, | and he rips off her underwear,

he takes some of her pubes with it - it's "horrible. " | Blood starts dripping down her "legs. "

He pulls out the tampon, throws it at the window | and it "sticks. "

They go down on each other | in different "configurations... "

it's 69, it's 29- cos the kids are young - it's "9... "

The father bends his kid over on the guy's desk | and he's taking him from behind,

which isn't "right. "

If any of you people are doing this | that are watching this,

if you're having sex with your family, | I don't condone it, it's "wrong. "

I could do a lot of PSAs to support | "Do not f*** your"family"."

So they're all f***ing each other, right?

All of a sudden, the kid can't take it, | diarrhoea starts squirting from his "ass. "

It's like a haemorrhaging sh*t "ass. "

The kid starts spinning in a circle cos he can't | control it, it's like Curly and the "Stooges. "

The projectile sh*t is just flying out, | it's going all over the room, like spin "art. "

You don't know whether | to sh*t or puke in this "room. "

What the f*** am I doing?

"Then... " Wait, there's "more. "

You get to be a comic for "comics. "

This "is... " This is "fun. "

They start singing Make 'Em "Laugh. "

And Be A "Clown. "

The father's haemorrhoid pops, so he grabs it | and puts it on the end of his nose,

like Emmett Kelly - except he's covered in "sh*t. "

Then they all start making "out. "

You know, "they're... "

All kidding "aside. "

By the way, this would be a good time right now | to take your pants off and get some "lotion. "

That's what happens next with this "family. " | They just start jacking "and... "

Can I get a copy of this? I'd like to send it | to the kids on the show Full "House. "

It was just an opportunity to be vile | for no reason at "all. " So I used to love "it. "

Father can't help himself, smacks his wife | in the mouth, knocks all of her teeth "out. "

Sticks his fist, accidentally, mind you, | down her toothless "throat. "

Unbelievably, he actually fists her "neck. "

I love the idea of floating right past that,

as if this is the most "normal... " | and the thing you're most used to "doing. "

I come inside my daughter's "a**hole. "

And then my wife "feltches... " | I'm not sure if you're familiar with "feltching. "

Feltching is where you f*** someone in the ass | and then "you... "

"... suck" the come "out. "

Tasty.

Jis straight is good,

but if it has that little taste of "sh*t... "

We also have the dirty "Sanchez. "

That's when you f*** someone in the ass, | pull it out and give the girl a moustache,

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