The Art of the Steal Page #3

You never used to be that easy.

Look, if it's an apology you

need to put this thing to bed...

An apology? You sent me

to prison, man.

Exactly. I owe you one.

No. You owe me

five and a half.

But right now,

I just wanna go back to work.

Let's do that, then.

Let's go back to work.

I mean, I practically

apologized here.

You boys done fistin'

in to one another?

Ah, man. I wish you wouldn't

use that turn of phrase.

So, can we get down to work now?

No, Paddy. I'm not gonna help

Nicky fence that painting.

This has nothin' to do

with Nicky's paintin'.

And, by the way, Dennis,

he is your brother

- and one day you're gonna have to forgive

him. - Please don't call me Dennis.

And, Nicky Boy, you're gonna pay the

piper for what ya did to Dennis.

- I'll see to it meself.

- I want to pay the piper.

Still not workin'

with Nicky, Paddy.

Oh, just listen to the story

before you say no, lad.

There's a good moral

to this story.

How big a moral are

we talking about here?

One and a half million dollars.

Jesus.

[PADDY] Two weeks ago,

I gets a knock on me door.

[TECHNO MUSIC]

Julius Friedman.

You've heard the name.

Just stories.

I've heard stories.

[REVEREND] The things in this

man's collection, I mean,

if it were public knowledge, it'd close

the books on a hundred major art thefts.

Believe me, I've seen it.

So then Friedman asked me if I've

ever heard of the Gutenberg Bible.

- [BELL TOLLS] - [REVEREND] Gutenberg

invents the printing press in 1440.

It changes everything.

The first book he printed

was the Gutenberg Bible,

the Mona Lisa of books.

The most valuable

book in the world.

[CRUNCH] Whoa, whoa, whoa,

whoa. Back that sh*t up.

We can't steal

a Gutenberg Bible.

We're not stealing

the Gutenberg Bible.

The second book Gutenberg printed was

well outside the beliefs of the Church.

[REVEREND] The Gospel According to James.

Well, that's a legend.

The church has been

trying to bury this gospel

since before the time

of Constantine.

And, to Friedman, that makes

the Gospel According to Jimmy

even more priceless.

So we nick your fancy book,

hand it on over,

and make scads of loot.

But the thing is,

it's already been stolen.

So last month at the Vanderloos

Gallery in Amsterdam,

our man almost gets nabbed by a cop

who sees him crawlin' out the window.

So how is it I've not heard

that such a fancy,

famous book

as yours was nicked?

No one knows it's stolen.

We swapped it out for a fake.

No one's gonna know it's

missing... until Saturday.

Now, here's where we come in.

They flew the book from

Europe to Canada.

Since 9/11 you can't fly

anythin' into America anymore.

It was supposed to go from Montreal

to Detroit, crossin' through here.

But the driver got greedy and tried to smuggle

a brick of hash along with the Gospel.

So they arrest our man,

put the Gospel in storage

and have an expert coming

in on Saturday.

But any expert's gonna look at that Gospel

and know it's the Guttenberg original.

Which means the Gospel

According to James

is gonna be put under so many

locks and so many keys

that Julius Friedman will never

catch a whiff of it again.

We get the Bible,

we take it to Detroit.

We collect one and a half

million dollars.

And that, laddiekins, is that.

Well, you're shittin' me, right?

First off, I ain't ever heard of

this Gospel According to Jimmy.

And number two, we're not equipped to

rob an international border station.

Look! There's guards.

There's cameras everywhere.

This would take, like, months of planning

and skill sets we just don't possess!

Forget it! We're not

the A-Team here, guys.

I'd peg us at a D-minus

for this kind of thing.

I thought you had something,

Paddy.

- I'm out.

- Hey, Crunch...

- Leave him, lad.

- I got him.

Let's go, boy.

[BICK] Sir, I'm telling you,

it's happening.

- [MAN OVER PHONE] What's happening?

- Paddy's here, Nicky's here

and they all just happened to converge

in the city where Crunch lives?

And Crunch, we know he's

desperate for money.

Sir, this is

all about the Seurat.

So I need you to authorize eyes

on every entry point

into the country within

a half a day's travel.

I need a full surveillance kit,

I need manpower and I need a gun.

- Look, there's no f***in' way you're

getting a firearm. - OK. No gun.

Come on! Hold up!

Let's take it down,

you're a little testy.

Yeah, well, jail

will do that to a man.

Let me add that "Polish Prison"

isn't quite as hilarious as it sounds.

Whoa! Pardon me.

I can't believe

you're still doin' that.

- What?

- That.

Eh, keeps me sharp.

Listen... [SIGHS]

Bottom line is, I know that

you're hard up for cash.

And let's just say,

hypothetically,

I feel bad and I wanna

make it up to you.

So we do this thing with Paddy

and I cut you in

for ten percent on my end.

A sort of "Sorry for f***ing

you over" money. Huh?

Oh. Hi, little girl.

What's your name?

- Robin.

- Oh yeah? Very cute.

Everything out of

your mouth is nothin'.

- How could you say that?

- Gee, I don't know.

Maybe 'cause you just knocked over a

nine-year-old little Chinese girl.

There's supposed to be

a code, Nicky!

You never prey upon

the virtuous or the poor.

You never put the paycheck

over your honor.

And you never,

ever betray your family!

Sure, maybe it's all

just horseshit

that we feed ourselves

so we can go to sleep at night.

Maybe it's horseshit so that

we can fancy ourselves

a cut above the thugs and

the gangsters of the world.

But I bought into that

horseshit, Nicky!

And you, you just trample

all over that horseshit.

And you just, now you, you got sh*t

all over your, your boots, you know.

You, you just... you,

you got shitty boots.

Hey, the analogy's

breaking down.

Yeah, maybe a little.

You know what I f***in' mean.

Hey, what's a fella got to do

to make amends with you?

The only thing I trust about you

is you'll be a greedy,

snaky motherf***er

- the second you see an angle.

- There is no angle.

There's always

an angle with you, man.

You're always hedging,

you're always working it.

You think this is

about money, Crunch?

Well, I got news for you.

Think again.

Gotta be a cheaper

way to do this.

Now tell me, baby Tell me

What kind Of man are you?

Just because he says he's sorry

doesn't make him a changed man.

Like just 'cause you like being

drunk doesn't make you an alcoholic.

Ah, sh*t. Lola. Lola.

Babe. Yeah. Hey.

Go. I need

to talk to Crunch.

[CRUNCH] What are you

doin' with him?

Nicky told me you were out.

- Yeah.

- I told him you're back in.

[CRUNCH] Forget it.

This thing smells.

Crunch! We need the money.

How are we gonna pay our bills?

Wow! She's good.

Oh. So, so you

made her do this?

No. Crunch needs this.

He needs me.

It's a brother thing.

You wouldn't understand.

Oh. Well, what I

understand is that,

that's my guy and

he doesn't need you.

Well, he needs someone to stop

him from taking dives for $800.

Take care.

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