The Art of the Steal Page #4

All right. I'll do it.

But this one we do my way.

What did ya have in mind?

Well, let's just say things are

gonna get a little loud.

[UP-TEMPO MUSIC]

[TIRES SQUEALING]

[CRUNCH] That's where

the motorcycle kicks in.

Simultaneously, Francie

has broken out

of our giant,

ceramic Trojan Horse

with at least three minutes

of oxygen left.

Paddy's taking care of

the guards, after rappelling

through the ceiling and

changing out of his cat suit.

And Nicky's already

dealt with the main gate

using 2.5 pounds

of all-American TNT.

In and out in 4.25 minutes.

This may be the worst idea

in the history of the world.

We just need a computer guy!

Crunch, there is no

computer guy!

There's no dude who can feed a video loop to make

some security guard think all is hunky dory,

while burglars in cat suits

rappel from the ceiling.

By the way, I think Uncle Paddy's

black Spandex days are way behind him.

And as for

your Trojan Horse thing,

well, I don't even know

where to begin with that.

I actually thought that

was kind of bad-ass.

Pardon me, you are who?

He's my apprentice.

Oh. So you're a wizard now?

Ah, f*** you, Nicky.

Look, the Reverend's got

somebody on the inside.

And we need to find out

who that is. Uncle Paddy,

I want you to call the Reverend

and get us a name.

[LOW-TEMPO MUSIC]

Call me Ponch.

I'm Nicky. Paddy.

Francie. Crunch.

Those are some shitty aliases.

Y'all sound like chocolate bars.

Where's Twix? [LAUGHS]

Oh, wait. Crunch Calhoun?

[GASPING] No! Dude.

I once saw you almost jump six

cars in Buffalo. Changed my life.

Listen, the Reverend said that

you could help us out for 10,000.

Tempting, but not a chance. No. I told the

Reverend everything I know for twice that.

And I got so sick from nerves I didn't eat,

sh*t or sleep for a week.

I'm not your guy.

If you were our guy.

If I were your guy, I'd go about

forgetting it.

There's 12 cameras, 12 of them.

That's one dozen cameras.

- Any in the storage room?

- No, but everywhere else.

Three guards, backup generator.

It's impossible.

I don't accept that.

Well, accept it, Snickers.

There's always a way.

All right, look.

I'll tell you what I told

the Reverend, OK?

That we called an expert.

She comes in Saturday at 10.

Don't call me again.

You said, "She".

Who's the "she"?

- Who?

- The expert.

Olga Something-Long.

Olga Something-Long?

Olga Panofsky-Cienfuegos?

[PONCHO] Something like that.

[CHUCKLES]

Later, Crunch.

Wait, why... Who's,

who's Olga Something-Long?

A badly burnt bridge.

Oh, she was intoxicating.

Thanks to Uncle Fucks-A-Lot,

there's no way we can get near her.

- [CHUCKLES]

- Wait. Why not?

Old Sloppy Balls McCarthy here

slept with her and then

slept with her sister.

She was intoxicating too.

It's too bad. Olga would've

helped out for a little cash.

She wasn't exactly a nun.

No, she certainly was not.

There's gotta be like,

what, ten experts

in the whole country

they could've called.

Paddy probably balled half of them.

Let it go. There's always another way.

[FRANCIE] Can we please stop

talking about old people f***ing?

- [PADDY SIGHS]

- [CAR ENGINE STARTS]

OK. I got the plan.

No. You've got "a plan."

This ain't a dictatorship,

Nicky.

[NICKY] We need a forger.

Let's call Dirty Ernie.

[CRUNCH] Dirty Ernie? No, if we

need a forger we call Guy.

What time is it in France?

[UP-TEMPO MUSIC]

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

- Hello?

- [NICKY] Yeah, Guy, it's Nicky.

I do not know you, Nicky.

The son-of-a-b*tch

hung up on me.

Here. Come on.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

- Hello?

- Hey, Guy. [SPEAKS FRENCH]

[LAUGHS, SPEAKS FRENCH]

Hey, Crunch!

Wow, no. Sorry. I just used up

the totality of my French there.

[LAUGHS] It's OK. When you speak French,

it's like a donkey cock right in my ear.

I'm on Paddy's phone so I'm gonna

keep it short. How ya fixed for work?

You are working? With Paddy?

- Yeah.

- With Nicky?

Listen, I'll explain it all

to you if you come over here.

- To America? Absolument.

- Not exactly America. Canada.

Hm. America Light.

[ROCK MUSIC]

[ELECTRONIC BEEPING]

[ALARM]

OK, you want to throw

things? Throw things, OK!

I don't give a sh*t! Motherfuck!

OK. OK. No, be careful with

that. No, don't do that, OK?

I want to see the piece of paper

that says you can go through that!

No, don't touch it.

That is $2,000...

He's clean. First Nicky,

then Paddy, now Guy.

- I'm telling you, something's up.

- This is bullshit!

- And you know it and you know it!

- I thought we had a 10-32.

Ten thirty-two? You trying

to impress me with numbers?

I'll give you an

impressive number: 52.

That's the number of millions

they said I stole.

I got a number for you: One,

as in you help me land this one

and you're out.

On the lives of my kids.

I've seen your kids.

You'd be better off

without them.

You're a c*nt.

You wouldn't know a vagina

if it was four foot tall

and staring you in the face.

I'm gonna punch you

in the f***ing...

- Aw, sh*t. Interpol.

- Interpol?!

[CRUNCH]

No, no, no. Don't look.

There's no way

that's a coincidence.

That can't be a coincidence.

What do we do?

What's the play?

- I'll talk to him.

- No.

He'll talk to me.

He won't talk to you.

I said no!

Interpol's a real thing?

I'm not going to cut

my f***in' leg off.

- Five minutes.

- Get outta here, Francie.

- Crunch... Yeah, OK.

- Now.

- Crunch.

- Sam?

Men of our vintage

should be retired.

You know, when I heard you were

working for the other side,

I just couldn't believe it.

At least tell me they don't

make you wear a wire.

No. They don't make me

wear a wire.

And I get to see some fine art.

So... what do you think they're

talking about down there?

Still about the art, huh?

My mother got me into it.

We were always hard up,

but she did her best.

Worked as a barmaid

between kids.

When I was ten or 11,

she took me to

the V and A in London.

And I saw an object

that blew my mind.

It was a drinking cup fashioned

from a single piece of jade.

It was just a cup,

but it was perfect.

And it made me look at

everything differently.

Turner, Monet, Vermeer,

those guys kept my eyes open.

It was a feeling I had,

a completeness when

art touched me.

I only started getting into trouble

when I wanted to possess it.

And you...

what makes you do it?

Money.

Well, at least you're honest.

It's always nice to know...

...who you can trust.

I'm gonna find this painting.

Not because I want to get

you or your brother in trouble.

I just want to hold it.

Let me ask you a question.

You ever seen the inside

of Sing-Sing?

- I haven't.

- 'Cause I know a lot of guys

who would like to

f*** you inside there.

Are you hitting on me?

I will...

F***!

It's been a breath of fresh air.

Looking good, Sam.

Interpol? F***ing Interpol?!

I'm not going to f***in' prison!

I'm not cut out for that sh*t!

You see these f***in' arms,

man?

These wet noodles will prevent

very few prison rapes.

Francie, I promise

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