The Art of the Steal Page #5

you on my mother's eyes,

- you're gonna be fine.

- You don't know that.

You gotta trust me. Look, ever

since I've been back,

you've been there for me

like nobody else.

Now... I might have to

toss in the "f" word here

to make this a bit easier but...

I f***in' love you, man.

OK, my turn.

That has to be Guy.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

All right, Guy just landed

and we got a little problem.

- Interpol.

- All right. Well, we'll adapt.

OK?

So?

I'm curious to know what kind

of game you're running?

I was curious about your game.

We need to get on the same page.

What do we do first?

- [NICKY] First, we're gonna need a fake.

- [GUY] How good must it look?

Good enough to fool the eye.

Identical on the outside,

inside doesn't matter.

You've got four days.

Crunch, I'm sorry for making fun of your

Trojan Horse idea because it actually plays.

We're gonna hide that fake

in a Trojan Horse of our own.

Something that draws attention.

Paddy, see what you can

come up with.

I got the perfect thing in mind.

[CRUNCH] I don't know,

what do you think?

It makes me feel...

...safe and scared.

Mostly scared.

It's weird. It's

like it follows you.

First, you caress.

Too rough, she cracks.

Too soft, she will not

succumb to the touch.

Just right. It's you. Ahh.

Then we need to get our horse

into their corral.

But, how?

You say this border station,

they inspect everything.

Exactly. Everything going in,

everything going out.

We can't walk in our fake

or walk out our original.

So we're gonna get them

to take it in for us.

We're going to use our sullied

reputation to our advantage for once.

- Crunch sets off the bells and whistles.

- [ELECTRONIC BEEPING]

There's a standard 30-day

impound on undocumented art.

And, because it's Crunch,

convicted art thief,

transporting art without

the proper paperwork,

they're gonna call the gallery

where it was purchased right away,

to make sure

that it's not stolen.

But it ain't goin' anywhere

until Crunch shows up

with the proof of ownership,

which we've got.

And we know

where it's being kept.

The toad is in the hole.

[NICKY] What the f***

are you talking about?

The f***in' huge vagina is

in the border station now.

[NICKY] Because of Crunch's

record,

Interpol will be brought in.

But, since no crime has been

committed, they can't touch us.

What the hell am I looking at?

It's four foot high and

staring you in the face.

And on the day,

what about Interpol?

They're going to be watching us,

which we need to fix.

Francie and I will distract them while the

switch goes down at the border station.

But most important thing is we've

gotta deal with Olga Something-Long.

Paddy?

Well, that'll be something hard.

Things between Olga and me

are rough as a bear's arse.

She's got to miss

that appointment.

But, more importantly,

is we need those forms.

- No paperwork, no access.

- I'll start tomorrow.

Olga, darlin'.

Oh, no.

No, no, no, no,

you don't get to do this.

It took me years to forget.

You are dead to me.

You are dead!

I'm not asking for forgiveness.

God can forgive me,

that's his job.

You have no control over me.

We should never be together.

I hate you.

You crushed me heart

and you stained me soul.

F*** you.

No, darlin'.

F*** you.

[GRUNTING]

Are we ready to do this?

[SPEAKS FRENCH]

Let's roll!

Just, uh, try to act natural.

Yeah. I, I don't

know what that means.

What do we have here?

Two perps, one box, red.

I betcha there's

something in that.

Here we go.

They're on the move.

Thank you.

I needed to know that.

Please continue to point out the

obvious to me as it comes up.

- You're starting the car.

- OK. That's enough.

You're putting

the car into gear.

I so very much want to stab you

in the face and throat.

With your magic pen, no doubt.

Saturday, ten AM.

Guy walks into

the border station.

And, man, will you

please wear a suit?

No offense, but you look

like a slutty elf.

- What... is "elf"?

- [ALL LAUGH]

[NICKY] The station gets

a call the day before

from a woman

they think is Olga.

I cannot make it,

but my colleague, Philippe,

- he should be there.

- Hello.

Oh. I think I chipped a tooth.

[BOTH GRUNTING]

[NICKY] Olga gets a call

the day before from a man

she thinks is from the border.

So, while we'll not be

requiring your services,

we will, of course, still pay.

Yeah, where're we at?

I got Guy on the other line.

OK, I'm in. How

will I know where it is?

It's pink and three feet tall.

You're a Frenchman,

you'll find it.

[MUTTERS IN FRENCH]

[NICKY] Like Ponch said,

with no security cameras in the room,

Guy can make the switch.

All right.

We got an hour to go.

- Did you get the nylons?

- I did indeed.

- One?

- Well, it says one pair.

- One pair? Like a pair of pants.

- Yeah.

Well, I'm sorry,

Mr. Condescending,

I don't buy a whole lot

of f***in' pantyhose.

- Fishnets?

- Yes.

Put these over our heads

we'll look like

a couple of waffles.

[UP-TEMPO MUSIC]

This is just great.

OK, let's go.

[CELL PHONE RINGS]

- Yeah?

- Finished.

All right, Crunch, you're up.

No. Something's not right.

OK, here we go.

What are you doing?

This is usually how it works.

Perps go on the move,

cops get moving.

A little pro tip for you:

"perps", short for perpetrators.

Just trust me for a second.

Don't switch the engine on.

Seriously, what are we doing?

Why do I listen to you?

[SAM] You're being distracted.

Like at the Quebec airport.

The border.

They're at the border.

They stopped following us.

Pick up. Come on, pick up.

Two minutes away.

Come on!

Whoo!

[BRAKES SCREECH]

I'm clear.

[ R&B MUSIC PLAYS]

Stand up

[FRANCIE] I'm trying to,

I'm trying to. This is what I...

Hey! Hey! Here we go.

Here we go.

[ALL CHEERING, LAUGHING]

Whoo!

[FRANCIE] Atta boy, Crunch!

[SPEAKS FRENCH]

All right, just like

the old days.

Yeah, the old days

were you threw me to the cops?

Or the old days where a one-eyed

pirate steals my bike?

[PADDY]Uh, uh, uh.

Now, now, gentlemen.

Let us drink to James.

- To James!

- [ALL] To James!

And to Nicky Boy.

One for the ages.

[ALL CHEERING]

- Now you take a bow, Guy.

- Moi?

Four days to fake

a 500-year-old masterpiece.

Oh, to have your talent, lad.

It was an inspired effort.

I admit.

But I am no Yves Chaudron.

Who's that,

Yeeves Show-row?

Stay, Crunch.

You'll like this.

Nah, I've heard

this tale a time or two.

- I gotta take a piss.

- Come on, Crunch.

Wait. Who's Yves Shmo-boh?

I shall tell you

of Yves Chaudron.

For this is a story

of inspiration.

He was everything

I aspire to be.

A master, a legend.

A man so gifted his work

would make angels cry.

He was the one true talent behind

the greatest art theft in history.

The theft of the Mona Lisa.

The story begins

in Paris, 1911.

Not with Chaudron,

but with an Italian,

a poor carpenter named Perugia

who, a few months

before the theft,

works a contract at the Louvre.

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