The Art of the Steal Page #6

As with any menial job,

he learns many menial things.

Such as where the

entrances and exits are,

the guards' names,

rotations and the like.

Little did he know that this

otherwise useless information

would prove to be

quite important.

For it is when

Perugia's contract ends

that his destiny begins.

Fate taps Perugia

on the shoulder.

Eduardo de Valfierno,

a criminal mastermind.

Valfierno asks Perugia

to steal the Mona Lisa

for $30,000.

It's like a million back then,

an offer a poor carpenter

could never refuse.

The adventure of the theft

is a story in and of itself.

In short, through luck,

cunning, lazy security

and the horrible disadvantage

of being Italian,

he actually succeeds.

The carpenter

steals the Mona Lisa

and the theft makes world news.

As promised,

he produces the Mona Lisa.

Valfierno produces the money.

But he makes a strange request.

He asks him to hold on to her

just a little longer

so he can arrange for

her transit overseas.

Perugia agrees and waits,

and waits and waits.

His story ends here.

And it is now that I tell you

of Yves Chaudron.

Six months before the theft,

Valfierno commissions

Yves Chaudron,

the world's greatest forger,

to reproduce the Mona Lisa

six times and perfect,

an Herculean task only

Chaudron could accomplish.

Valfierno then sails to America

and finds six of the greediest

art collectors

and poses this question

to them:

"Should the Mona Lisa

suddenly become available,

would you pay three hundred

thousand dollars for it?"

He asks all six,

and all six say, "Yes."

And that is when Valfierno pays

Perugia to steal the Mona Lisa.

He then ships

Chaudron's perfect fakes

and collects $1.8 million.

A fortune beyond comprehension.

You see, all he needed

was the news of the theft,

not the Mona Lisa.

To him, she herself,

is worthless.

And that is the story of

the theft of the Mona Lisa.

[LAUGHING]

I first heard that story

when I was a small boy.

I knew even then I wanted to have the

skills to pull something that great off.

And that's why I do what I do.

I do it for the ladies.

[ALL LAUGHING]

[NICKY] Well,

here's to tomorrow,

and the Reverend gets his goods

and we get our just rewards.

- [NICKY AND LOLA] Tomorrow!

- [ALL] Tomorrow!

Ohhh, f***.

Oh, Jesus, Mary and Joseph.

I, I taste an ashtray

and battery acid

and, like, stripper perfume.

So, we headed for Detroit?

Finish things up with

the Reverend, or what?

Yeah, that's right.

We all just pile into the car

like the Brady Bunch and just

breeze on into the States, right?

They already flagged me

for coming over here.

- Yeah, me too.

- Me too.

They don't like

me a lot either, so...

...what exactly is your plan?

Well, we need someone with a

clean sheet. Francie, you're up.

Me?!

Really? Why am I

wearing this sh*t?

Because Interpol

knows what you look like.

OK, but don't the Amish ride

horse and carriages?

- Well, you're progressive.

- I can't f***ing do this!

Well, you better get your best Brando on,

hoss, 'cause we need you.

Yeah, look, Francie,

it's not The King's Speech.

Come here.

You got two lines:

"Going to Detroit."

And "Nothing to declare."

You're gonna be great.

- I'll meet him there.

- Oh. Will you?

Yeah.

Hey, look, somebody's got

to be in Detroit

to close the deal

with the Reverend.

Nicky, I'm goin' with ya.

- We're both hiding in the trunk.

- [PADDY] The trunk?

[SCOFFS] I'm not

hidin' in a trunk.

Well, then no one's

going to Detroit.

'Cause if you're alone when you

get your digits on that money,

we'll never see you again.

All right, man. Fine.

Pop it, Francie.

- What are you doing?

- Yeah, what are you doing?

Hopefully, you

won't have to know.

Yes, sir. But if you

just give me...

Sir, we are so very

close on this. We just...

[MAN ON PHONE YELLING]

No, I realize I'm not supposed

to be in the field,

but that's not the...

OK. Yeah.

Are we clear?

Are we clear? Goodbye.

OK. We need to just

start at the beginning here, OK?

Square one...

...art.

- They pay you for this?

- Shut up!

Do you often feel that your life

is just passing you by?

I cannot even be

in the same room as you!

OK. OK, Francie.

I got an idea.

I think we can make a lot more

money off that Gospel.

Hold out for

more from the Reverend?

No, we don't

even deliver it to him.

OK. I fail to see

how that makes us rich.

Guy telling that

story about the Mona Lisa

got me thinking.

There's a real parallel here.

Great. Parallel.

Not interested.

Listen, don't dismiss the idea

out of spite.

Not interested.

Hear me out!

Uncle Paddy can come up

with at least ten more buyers.

And we can get Guy to duplicate

a book for each one of them.

We contact the gallery, we let

them know their book is stolen.

The news hits the paper

and boom.

Meanwhile we ship off

ten copies to ten buyers.

Each one thinks

they have the original.

Goddamn it if it's not perfect.

[SIGHS]

You know...

I think we could make

half a mil per book.

No, you know, twice that.

- You know how much that is?

- Ten million.

That's right.

[FRANCIE] Uh, all right, boys.

We're here so just be quiet, OK?

- Just be cool!

- Two lines!

"Going to Detroit!

Nothing to declare!"

OK, I know!

Act normal. Be normal.

Act normal.

Just be a cool guy.

You're a cool guy, Francie.

You're a f***in' cool guy.

I am not cut out for this.

- Citizenship...

- My name is Francie Tobin!

- [BOTH GROAN]

- Well, that's great, son.

- Where you headed?

- Canada!

Uh, you're heading in the wrong

direction...

Arrgghh!

Canada's, that's where

I came from.

Where I'm... Detroit

is where I'm heading,

not, not Canada,

which is where I'm from.

Anything to declare?

No. Not...

not even a little bit.

Uh, your beard's falling off.

Oh. That's, that's 'cause

I'm, I'm in a play.

[MAN] What's the play called?

[FRANCIE] Witness, The Musical.

Witness, exclamation mark.

Are you sure there's nothing

you want to declare?

The play is terrible.

- Anything in the trunk?

- No!

Are you absolutely positive

you have nothing to declare?

I'm sorry?

Do you think I have

smugglers in my trunk?

- [BOTH] No!

- I have two American thieves

in the trunk of this car that I'm

crossing your border with right now.

Please! Please, have a look.

See, see all the criminal activity

happening in my trunk right now!

Open the trunk, sir.

- Open the...

- Open the trunk, just open the trunk.

- So I'll just... Oh!

- Nicky, Nicky, Nicky!

Yep. Got 'em. Got 'em.

- On the count of three.

- Drugs, son?

Oh, no. I'm good, buddy.

No, I mean, are you on...

Just open the trunk, please.

- Yeah, OK.

- One.

Two. Three.

OK, here we go!

Alrighty, looks like

you're good to go.

Uhh! I just need

to tell you something.

I liked Predator Two.

Well, yeah, I didn't mind

Predator Two.

- It's not bad.

- Its OK. Danny Glover.

- You can't go wrong.

- No.

- Break a leg.

- Oh, yeah! Thank you.

- Because I'm an actor.

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