The Art of the Steal Page #7

- Yeah.

Oh, f***, this sucks!

[ROCK MUSIC]

I wandered in

late one night

Signs all said "open"

But there was no one in sight

- I'm gonna f***in' kill him.

- Wait your turn.

Come on!

I'm never doing this sh*t again!

- You motherf***er!

- No, no! Hold on!

What the f*** is this!

Come on!

- F*** you!

- Hold on! Hey!

F*** the both of you!

- You f***ed up, man.

- I f***ed up!

All right,

all right, all right!

I promise you,

I'm not gonna hit the kid.

- All right. [GRUNTS]

- You f***er!

- What did you do that for?

- F*** you! Oh!

[CRUNCH] You had to do it.

You proud of yourself?

- You motherf***er! Ah, you motherf***er.

- Please!

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Hey, man. How's business?

It's f***ing slow, man.

[NICKY] All right,

what is this place?

[CRUNCH] His office

is on the third floor.

I think he paid like

three grand for the whole place.

He overpaid.

[NICKY] This is a golden

opportunity.

I'm not doing this for me.

You know I'm flush.

I'm doing this for you.

We're dropping this off,

we're making a hell of a decent score here.

And in five minutes

we're going home.

Give me a reason.

Give me one reason.

OK. Where do we find the money

to pay for these fakes?

It cost Guy ten grand

to fake one.

These fakes would have to

stand up to carbon dating

and expert scrutiny sh*t.

Ten grand a book,

that's a hundred grand.

- I can front it.

- You got a 100 grand laying around, Nicky?

Yes, I do.

You know, I guess this is it.

This could have been big.

We could have made history.

Damn it.

All right, let's go downstairs

and talk about it.

A million per book.

Ten million bucks, guys.

- You interested?

- Of course, I'm f***ing interested.

- Wonderful.

- Uncle Paddy?

Ten buyers, I can find.

Maybe more.

No, no, no.

Let's stick with ten.

Let's not get greedy here.

- Guy, when can you get started?

- Today. Now.

It will take me maybe

three weeks... No, one month.

- I just need money.

- OK, 100 grand, that's covered.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Seven hundred,

fifty thousand, minimum.

You just made

one for ten thousand.

No. I made the cover for ten

grand. The pages are total sh*t.

And if you want these to pass the carbon

dating and the professional scrutiny,

seven hundred fifty.

Do we need to carbon date them?

With our buyers,

most certainly.

That's it, man.

Let's go take it back.

All right, look.

I could come up with

about $300,000.

- But...

- What?

Gonna take me a couple days.

We still need 450.

I can pull together

a hundred thousand.

I can do one hundred.

OK. That's five.

We're still 250 short.

Yeah.

OK, we'll be home at dawn.

Let's figure this out tomorrow.

OK.

- Crunch.

- What?

- How much money have you got?

- I got nothin'.

If there was ever a reason

to mortgage your home...

Oh, no, no, no, no, man.

I'm not doing that.

No, not the house.

That's all I got.

If we pull this off,

you can buy ten of 'em.

Look, man, I just...

Look, I don't know, OK?

Listen, I gotta think about it.

I wanna run it by Lola.

Well, don't take too long.

We don't have time to lose.

Don't talk to me

about lost time, Nicky.

I know what you want.

Good. 'Cause you're

gonna need to talk to him.

He will never give

you all that money.

No, but he'll give it to you.

- To me?

- He trusts you.

And we're gonna be wiring money

all over the world.

You're the only one that's not

on any watch list.

- Francie isn't.

- Francie hasn't taken a bath in six weeks.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Come on.

Can you convince him?

It's no good. It's no good.

She's making you, Crunch.

She's probably f***ing Nicky.

Hey, easy. Easy,

Francie, come on.

We should just walk.

I mean, he's juicing you

for hundreds of thousands

of dollars, Crunch.

Cowards die many times

before their actual death.

The brave, only but once.

Is that Julius Caesar?

Yes! Look, I know how you feel

about Nicky, believe me.

But this...

...this is the one we're

all gonna be remembered for.

Ah, Jesus Murphy.

Ah, you waste no time.

What can I say?

I'm excited. [LAUGHS]

OK. Great, we're all here.

So, starting tomorrow,

there'll be no contact.

During that time period

Paddy will have made the sales,

Guy will have completed

the books.

Crunch will be ready

to ship them.

And Lola will be

handling the money.

In a month's time,

we'll contact Amsterdam,

the news will get out, we ship

the books and we get rich.

Ha. The Reverend's

gonna be some pissed.

I'll take care of the Reverend.

I'll call you with his number.

All right, Nicky, I just

gotta say this.

If you're gettin' ready to

do me wrong here somehow,

this is your chance. Just don't

take this and all is forgiven, man.

No harm, no foul.

Crunch, I'm sorry

about what happened.

OK, I f***ed up.

I wish I could do it

all over again.

But I can't.

We gotta move on.

Look, you've always wanted to do

something big, we all have.

This is our chance.

Come on, man, let's do

this together, like brothers.

OK, man, I'm in.

[LAUGHS]

All right.

Here's to us, huh?

Right!

[ALL LAUGHING]

Gettin' our just rewards.

[LAUGHING DISTORTS, FADES]

Truly breathtaking, it is.

Oh, bloody hell. Hey, Midge.

How you fixed for quarters?

- [NICKY] Dirty Ernie.

- Hey, Nicky!

- Give us a hug!

- I'm not a big hugger, Ernie.

Huh. Midge, go take a walk.

I'll see you at the hotel.

Now watch it, Ernie.

The hookers in this town

aren't the cleanest.

Hey! That's my wife.

Oh. Ernie, I'm sorry.

Yeah, it's just, I guess the fashion

in Europe is so much further ahead...

I'm pulling your chain,

mate. That's a hooker.

So, what's the plan?

OK. You're gonna knock off ten copies

of the Gospel According to James.

- All right.

- Simultaneously,

Guy De Cornet will be in that

building doing the same.

No. He sickens me, he does.

His work is so ostentatious...

Oh, forget him.

Just focus on your own work.

Here's a key to the building.

All right.

- Guy's books will be perfect.

- [GROAN]

They'll pass carbon dating,

expert analysis, everything.

However, your copies, they won't

need any of that carbon dating crap.

They'll just need to

look convincing.

Oh, that's much, much cheaper.

But tell me this, why?

Why bother getting all that

proper paper for Guy's books?

Why... why bother

working that lot at all?

Because I plan on sending

your ten copies of the book

to the buyers before

they can send theirs.

This way, you and I can split it two ways instead

of me having to cut it up five ways with them.

I see. Family's family,

but money's money, eh?

Yeah, well, let me tell you

something about family.

Crunch would do the same damn thing

if he had any brains in his head.

Yeah, but then he

delivers his books

a week after you've

delivered yours,

they're gonna crucify him,

and that greasy twat, Guy.

But then they're gonna come

after you, my fine chum.

[CELL PHONE RINGS]

I won't be around.

Yeah?

Nicky, you still want

the Reverend's number?

- Text it to me, Paddy.

- Consider it done.

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