The Art of the Steal Page #8

[DEEP SIGH]

[CELL PHONE RINGS]

- Reverend:
Yeah, what?

- Yeah. Hi, Reverend. It's Nicky Calhoun.

What? Nicky Calhoun?

What are you doin' callin' me?

Listen, I just wanted to let you

know that we've got your book

and just wanted to give you a heads up,

there's a slight delay.

- Delay?

- Right. With the delivery time.

It might take a month or so.

Look, I don't know what the f*** you're

talking about. Don't call me again.

Listen, I'm gonna come see you

and we can discuss it then.

How's that?

[DIAL TONE]

Reverend? Reverend?

[REVEREND'S VOICEMAIL]

Not here. Leave a message.

[NICKY] Reverend, again,

I apologize about the delay.

I'm on my way to Detroit

so you and I can have

a face-to-face.

[KNOCKING]

Reverend?

[CRASH] I think he paid, like,

three grand for the whole place.

[PADDY] Why is it I've not heard that

such as famous book as yours was nicked?

[PAST CONVERSATIONS

OVERLAPPING]

- Paddy, come on. - Just listen to

the story, before you say no, lads.

There's a good moral

to this story.

[PADDY'S VOICEMAIL]

Paddy McCarthy here.

- Leave me a message and

I'll call you back. - F***!

[PADDY] The special Gospel.

[REVEREND] Last month,

at the Vanderloos Gallery...

[SPEAKING DUTCH]

I'd like to report a theft.

I don't understand.

We're not the police.

No, no, no.

It's a book in your collection.

A Gospel printed by

the Gutenberg Press.

Yeah. I think you are mistaken.

No, no, no. It's the Gospel

According to James and it's a fake.

- Check it out.

- I can't do that.

- Why not?

- We are sculpture museum.

We have no books or paintings.

We have only sculpture.

[NICKY] The Reverend's

got somebody on the inside.

- [REVEREND] We have an expert coming in on

Saturday. - [NICKY] Paddy, get us a name.

[OPERATOR] We're sorry. The number

you have reached is not in service.

- Later, Crunch!

- [CRUNCH] There's gotta be like, what...

- F***! - ...ten experts in the

country they could have called.

- [PONCH] Olga Something-Long.

- Hello?

It's Nicky Calhoun.

Have you... Have you seen Paddy?

- What?

- Did you f***in' see Paddy?

He left a couple of days ago.

What about the Gospel?

Did Customs ask you to look at the Gospel?

- Gospel?

- The f***in' Gospel According to James!

Did they ask you to look at it?

What?

[PANTING]

And that is the story of

the theft of the Mona Lisa.

You just took five and half of the

best years of my life away, Nicky.

- [GRUNTING]

- [PADDY] Nicky Boy,

you'll pay the piper for

what you did to Dennis.

I'll see to it meself.

I'll take care of the Reverend.

[PADDY] I'll call you

with his number.

- [CELL PHONE RINGS]

- Yeah?

Nicky, want

the Reverend's number?

[GRUNTING, PANTING]

We could have made history.

[DIALING CELL PHONE]

[LOLA'S VOICEMAIL]

Please leave a message.

Lola, pick up the phone.

Call me! We got a problem!

[FRANCIE] So, so what are you

telling me? You don't trust me.

It's not like I

don't trust you. Come on.

- Everybody's f***in' lyin' to me.

- Nobody's lyin'.

It's like, uh, well, I'll tell you

what it's like, it's like Claudius.

For my money, the greatest

Roman Emperor of them all.

You know how Claudius survived some of

the most brutal rulers of his time?

How he outlived all those crazy-assed

homicidal family members?

- How?

- Played the fool.

Played the fool

and fooled them all.

Even those he loved.

[CELL PHONE RINGS]

Bick.

Uh, OK.

Hello?

Four twenty-six?

OK.

How long have you

been cooking this thing up?

Well, you remember

Lola's little hot tub party?

And great men don't

miss their fate.

I missed mine, Francie.

I was probably staring at it the

whole time and I just missed it.

So everyone was in on this

except for my lanky ass.

People are predictable Francis,

you, me.

If we weren't,

we'd just spend all our time

trying to figure out what crazy

sh*t everybody else was up to.

All I did was

drop off a sculpture.

And then picked it on up.

I just needed to plant the idea and

let his imagination do the rest.

[NICKY] Saturday, ten AM. Guy

walks into the border station.

- I got Guy on the other line.

- OK. I'm in.

[PANTING]

[EXHALES]

Yeah.

[DOOR OPENS QUICKLY]

- You got a warrant?

- I don't need a warrant. I'm not a cop.

But these guys are.

Domenic Calhoun,

we've received information

giving us probable cause

for a search.

Look who we have here.

Georges Seurat.

"Model, Rear-View," 1887.

Pointillist phase.

This is so beautiful.

I love all the little dots.

It's very artistic.

- [CRUNCH] You got it?

- I do.

Where's your filly?

She'll be here, Paddy.

The lady has $750 grand

of our capital.

I don't know,

mon frere, she's maybe...

How do you say it?

The scheming b*tch.

Hey, guys, she's doin'

something, all right?

Says she's got some kind

of surprise for me.

She's just runnin' late,

that's all.

We should just go.

We should leave.

Yeah, Crunch, bud, I love you.

You know I'm with you.

I really think she

just f***in' split.

Just as likely to see a police cruiser as

her car comin' around the corner, lad.

[TIRES SQUEALING]

- Oh, cool.

- What?

I, I saw you fight at the bar.

Did you?

Then he said you could

hold onto it as insurance.

Now I'm gonna

point at you really hard.

OK, fine. Then I'm

gonna raise up my arms...

[BOTH ARGUING]

OK, fine.

So, you mean, you really went

through all this trouble

just to rob Nicky of 300 grand?

Three hundred thousand?

Try 20 million.

This is where the story

becomes interesting.

Two weeks ago,

this painting was stolen

from an art

collector in Mexico.

Fate, Francie.

Fate is what just happened.

I need you to find

something for me.

Uncle Paddy could

come up with ten buyers easily.

Ten buyers I can find,

maybe more.

You see, all he needed was

the news of the theft.

Paddy McCarthy here.

I got a piece you might be interested in.

And she's a real beauty.

Where's the Seurat?

Georges Seurat,

you ignorant f***!

The seminal French

"Post-Impressionalist".

The father of pointillism

- That Georges Seurat!

- This is all about the Seurat.

This has nothing to do

with Nicky's painting.

If this is even close to real,

Paddy's gonna make a bundle.

We still need

four hundred and fifty.

I can pull together

a hundred thousand.

I can do one hundred.

This is the one we're all

gonna be remembered for.

Ah.

[PADDY CHUCKLES] Ten forgeries,

seven already shipped.

That's twenty million.

I really like this heist sh*t.

Ah, careful!

That's the original.

Wait, you kept the real one?

The one... Interpol know the

one in Nicky's room is fake?

Interpol already thinks

they have the real one.

I just want to hold it.

How would you

like live with it, Sam?

I think I'd like

that very much.

The first time you see it,

you say it's real,

whether it is or not.

Absolutely, positively,

the real thing.

Boom! Oh ho!

Come on, boys in blue!

Suit guy! Whoo! Come on!

- One for the good guys!

- Indeed.

Well, everybody,

it's truly been a pleasure.

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