The Babymoon Page #7

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from digesting

normal nutrients and causes

a violently upset stomach

and acting out

irrationally

Bah, bah,

black sheep

have you any wool?

Si seora, Si seora

There's no way that guy

could catch me.

- Gringo!

- Ooh.

- Fruit aqui.

- Is.

Don't make me sad,

don't make me sad!

No.

You go past those rocks

and I shoot you.

- These?

- I'll shoot you!

I don't wanna make you sad.

I like you happy.

Happy man child.

- Happy!

- Si.

This guy's a bloody marksman.

Oh! Don't do this.

Hey, guy, I like

nature documentaries!

I told you, gringo!

Gringo, what did you do?

I've killed.

We're eating well tonight, boys.

I got jungle blood on my hands.

I'm one of you guys now.

You're celiac's.

What?

Some kind of poisonous alligator

species or something?

No, no.

You just alerted them

to our location.

The police?

No, I didn't use a gun,

I used a knife.

Not the police.

Worse.

Greenpeas.

Greenpeas?

Christian, no one gives a sh*t

about our greenpeas

to fund the fungus farm.

They don't want

the truth out there

we could feed the world.

What is that?

Are those spider monkeys

humping across species again?

No, like a whole alligator

just went off the grid.

Vitals escalated

and then bang, like, gone.

Poachers.

Poachers!

Poachers of the jungle!

The authorities

are on their way.

Oh, pinche greenpeas!

Vamos.

Papa, we got to put them in...

- gracias, Diago.

- Enough to even feed them!

- Not even cornbread.

- Yes, we... we will catch the bad guys.

Like the lowest

of the lowest bread.

- Anything?

- Uh, we shall see.

I told you that belief

is very important in my country.

You show them that you have

kindness in your heart,

and for that they would

like to help you.

See, in the jungle,

it is better to have 100 eyes,

than just four.

So that's what you were doing

with all this driving around?

Finding ways to help people

to rally them?

Yes, when I was young,

I thought that I could

do it by myself.

I was the toughest,

because I was,

and because I could.

But in the jungle, no,

no, no, no, no.

You need the people, lowest??

That is the only way

to do it here.

Unlike you Americanos, we believe

that we still need each other.

Not true.

I mean, I design jewelry,

but I don't make

each piece myself,

and I didn't create Etsy.

I don't deliver

to each person's doorstep,

but, I mean, we all

need other people

no matter how independent

we think we are.

Independent, yeah.

The independence

you speak of, yeah,

it sounds more like isolation.

We all need the people

in the village of our heart.

The people in the village

of your heart,

that's a nice way of seeing it.

Cartegentina is a tough life.

We are the best at nice.

Wait and see.

The tracker says

they're right here.

That's them!

We got these b*tches.

Attention, poachers.

Authorities are en route.

Oh, that was record timing.

Poachers!

We are representatives

of greenpeas.

We mean you no harm.

Back's empty .

So is the bottom.

And I'm not seeing

any sign of the gator.

Where is the gator, sir?

I don't know, maybe the swamp,

you can find it in a swamp.

You already turn him into a handbag, huh?

Huh, you piece of sh*t?

There have to be more of you.

Where are they?

Where are your amigos?

I'm just here all by myself.

- Can you pop the hood?

- Pop the hood!

So help me, we will lay

in front of this car so fast.

You're gonna see

how greenpeas does it.

You're about to get swamp, son.

- I'll go.

- Okay, right here.

Wait, what if he goes

into reverse?

Do you think you were

gonna reverse, b*tch? Ha!

Nice.

We think of everything!

Whew!

This was a good idea.

Who thought of this?

A good leader can recognize

a good idea.

- Yesenia?

- Yes, Juan.

This your idea.

It was a good one.

Vamos.

Let's go, guys.

We carry it around the rocks

to the other side of the river.

Was that so hard?

Fearless leader, huh?

Maybe my ideas are not so bad?

Okay, okay, you're a good

insurgent member.

Thank you.

Now, what do you think

about my plan b

for the gringo now, huh?

Uh, your call.

It just makes sense.

Poor gringo baby.

I know, baby grande.

Trace?

Yeah?

Gringo baby daddy here.

Concerned about his future.

You know, we are not here

to hurt you.

That's great news.

How do we keep it that way?

Ransoms can take months

before they get to us.

Whoa, months?

The money doesn't go to us.

Money goes to the revolution.

- La revolucion!

- Revolution?

As a compromise to get you

back to your family,

we want to take you to see

some of the evidence.

Mass graves, chemical weapons,

illegal trafficking,

real first world sh*t.

No kidding. Congratulations.

That's pretty good

for such a tiny country.

These are some of the atrocities

our government is guilty of.

We want you to go back to the

American people on television

and tell them about us.

Getting on TV

to say something important,

that's, like, even harder

than what I do.

If you can promise this, we will

take you north to the border

and free you to our neighboring

country's embassy in just a few days.

Easy.

I can try.

No, I need you to swear it.

Okay, I swear.

- Yesenia?

- Yes, Juan?

That sounds like a weak promise.

Cartegentina jungle

survival tip number three,

never break a promise.

I swear to show the atrocities.

- Okay, okay.

- Yesenia?

Yes, Juan?

I don't know

about this idea anymore.

Si.

Let it be, please.

Let's...

We're gonna play it out

play out.

What is play out?

- Just go...

- What is play out?

Are you with me?

- No.

- No?

- I'm not with you.

- Are you serious?

- I'm not with you.

- Surprise, surprise.

Okay, vamanos!

Back in the boat.

Number, number, back, back.

Go a little slower

then?? Faster.

Then??,

faster, slower.

So, guys, are you going to

give me a ticket or something?

A ticket? For the nefarious

murder of a caiman number?

Who's the cold-blooded one now?

Heh, heh, nice.

Get it, cold-blooded?

Stop, don't move.

Watch it man! Those are very

endangered arrow carrier trees.

If you're trying

to shoot him, here.

What? Girls can't shoot

where you're from?

- Boom! Who's the tranq queen?

- Don't move, don't.

She's a good shot

with a tranquilizer.

Yeah, well I meant to miss him so

he'd lead us back to his camp.

Looking for this gentleman,

have you seen him?

You're looking

for Ryan seacrest?

Is that a yes or a no?

We haven't really seen

humans, in a while.

You know, especially tall,

sexy, handsome ones.

So yeah, no,

we haven't seen him.

Well if you do,

there's a significant reward

for anyone helping

to obtain the subject.

As in money?

For like, whatever we want?

Typically that's how it works.

We don't give out gift cards.

What about you?

What do you give out?

Do you want your phone?

Nice to meet you.

Boop.

You should have listened to me.

You, I told you

to paddle faster.

You, I said slower.

Pero we me we.

I told you to look out

for that branch.

Hey, you okay?

Si, mama.

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