The Babymoon Page #6

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He is worth a lot of money.

Please don't get impulsive.

Please don't get impulsive,

remember what

happened last time?

We're not gonna do that again.

"Hand loop, over under.

Siberian loop each side.

I'm the queen

of the jungle."

Please calm down,

that's not fair, you always...

That's not fair? What

are you talking about?

Always it goes back to that.

Keep your voice down.

Okay, I will handle

your boyfriend.

Would you calm down?

Get it together, seriously.

I'm sick of it.

Good Siberian knot.

Yeah, you know,

I just did the old...

Hand loop over under and...

What's next?

At your rate of exertion, you're

gonna need some water soon.

Thank god.

My tongue is like

a salty cotton ball.

Uh, do us all a favor and

don't drink the river water.

There are worms that

will grow in your body,

crawl out through your skin.

Pretty bad for your

movie star complexion, no?

What am I supposed to do?

No Patience?

This is also typical American?

No. I'm an exceptional

screw up.

Survival tip number two, water.

You got the source right, but if

there's bacteria in the water,

what must you do?

- Boil it.

- Yeah.

After you start the fire,

boil the water, let it cool,

then you can drink.

You know, this has to be

some sort of like,

Geneva violation,

just to... you know...

Welcome to life

outside the bubble.

Yeah, well, I was very happy

with life inside the bubble,

thank you very much.

Were you?

Wh...

From the recording studio

to the white house,

Justin Bieberton gets political.

Let's have a look.

Uh, whatever dude.

It's like um...

I don't know,

they're just like...

So out of touch, you know?

Maybe we just need a like,

changing of the guard or

somethin' in today's politics?

I don't know why my daughter

loves him so much.

Okay. Anyways,

so Justin shared a tweet

from senator Ray Lopez.

Hey, biebs.

You know this fool

trace Mcevans?

Kid got biebs up with some

bad guys in south America,

biebs face.

Who taught him how to text?

I mean, let's be honest.

If I was vice president,

we'd get some stuff done

around here, right?

We'd make it way better

for all the ladies out there.

You feel me, girl.

- You got senator Lopez...

- Hey, nobody calls me biebs!

- Except you, girl.

- All right guys, come on.

That's enough, that's enough.

So Justin continued to share

on his social media.

"Look, this guy

is sending me tweets

instead of doing anything

to help this old rocker dude.

What else isn't he doing?

# seriouspolitical

# youfeelmegirl."

Great question, though.

What is our senator doing?

Okay.

You wanna play like that, biebs?

All right.

You now have one less follower.

70 million minus one.

Bam.

One big one.

No one messes with Ray Lopez.

Oh, god.

What have I done?

Hey, Shannon!

Adios.

Okay. So, now we can get

back to business here.

Um...

Okay, so I'll just stay here...

While my husband's

in the jungle.

Well?

Mm...

Nothing quite quenches

your thirst like a nice

hot cup of water, you know?

Little bit of grit.

We are far from the worst

kidnappers in this country.

One group forgot

to feed their captive.

He starved to death halfway.

That's why we allow our

new guests on a special tour

to take control

over their own survival.

Yes, but the problem is,

is that you've never met somebody as

completely self-destructive as I am.

Sh*t, forget surviving

in the jungle,

I can barely survive

in a WestSide condo,

eating frozen

gluten-free pizza

and drinking

grass-fed milk, okay?

Which I forget

to buy most of the time.

All right? Without someone

to literally buy it for me,

I would die.

What business do I have bringing

a child into this world?

I'm not even a fully

functional human being.

Problemas de jente blanca.

You're not going to find

much sympathy here.

Problemas de gringos.

First world problems, ah?

What is gluten-free?

Huh?

Juan, that's enough.

What? It... it...

Did everyone go to

the farmer's market

- without me and my...

- It's in the trees.

Here.

Am I this unthreatening?

Am I... am I this

unthreatening to you guys

that you just... you don't

care that I have a knife?

Yesenia?

Yes, Juan.

He's quick.

Ah, Yesenia.

- Yes, Juan.

- Not so quick.

Go get my fruit.

Not so quick.

- Hola.

- Hola... again.

Okay, great. So we're

all back in the car.

All right, so I got...

I've had some time

to think about a little

plan of action here.

And I think I've come up

with something so...

If we can just calculate

the miles per hour

that they are

ostensibly traveling,

then we can come up

with a radius here.

We have a plan

and so it's just...

Traffic.

No, no, no, no!

Seriously, come on.

Look. I was under the impression

that you were trying to help me.

I will help you

on my terms, okay?

In my way.

You are not the only

person in the planet.

Okay, but it just seems like

maybe if we come up

with some sort of plan here,

like, that involved actually

looking for my husband,

rather than picking up small

children on the side of the street,

then maybe we'll

actually find him!

Have belief.

Yeah?

Mm-hmm.

- Comprende?

- Si.

Well, other than the kidnapping,

how do you like my country?

Are you serious?

When this is all over,

you should come back.

Yeah? Oh, we will.

I'm sure.

- We have the beautiful beaches,

- we'll book our next trip,

- we have...

- Right? Right away.

Every last rebel

that gets in the way,

- one to the head.

- Yes, sir.

We'll retrieve the hostage,

no matter what it takes, sir.

Yes, yes.

Get the guy.

But...

- On the DL.

- Sir?

Just do it, but on the...

On the down low.

That is exactly what we do, sir.

Well-documented.

Somalia...

Tunisia.

Bin laden.

Props.

Not that anyone should be proud

of taking a human life, sir.

- No.

- And those are...

Classified operations.

That's what I'm talking about.

DL... on the dirty.

- Yes, sir.

- Okay, homie.

Keep me posted on Skype.

Yo. Bring it in.

What are we doing here?

I thought if we waited too long,

and he'd get too far ahead and...

Shh...

What's wrong with him?

Um, I'm not a doctor.

They have been trying

various drugs,

but technically speaking,

they say that she has

a virus caused by the devil.

The devil?

Uh, yes. Belief is

something very powerful

in this country, seora.

No, no.

Hi.

Seora, no. No.

The devil germs.

It's okay.

Bah, bah, little sheep

have you any wool

yes, ma'am, yes ma'am

three needles full

one to mend a jumper

and one to mend a frock

and one for the little girl

with holes in her socks

Bah, bah, little sheep

are you positive

this is a virus?

Si, seora, Si, seora

Ella habla waited and

no puede comer... much

and when she eats,

she vomits it all out

and she's very weak,

and of this there is no doubt

crazy, but has anyone tried

not feeding her wheat?

I know a gluten allergy

sounds like something

you can only get

in Los Angeles

but I saw trace go through

this with celiac's disease

which prevents him

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