The Babysitter Page #5

They're totally gonna stop growing.

They weren't even done.

Sometimes you gotta settle, all right?

I got a cousin Chantelle, titties flat.

Personality real good.

Ow. Oh, my God.

-Ow! You f***ing b*tch.

-[Sonya laughs]

What's wrong with you?

-Get away from me with your f***ing beret.

-She's gonna bleed out.

What? No.

What do you mean, I'm gonna bleed?

Can we just stick a tampon in it

or something?

Oh, my God.

We need to call an ambulance, guys.

I need an ambulance.

I don't wanna lose my boob.

I can't do that.

[Allison] What?

Why not?

Because your boob was shot

by a now-dead cop.

Have fun explaining that.

No dude's gonna motorboat these, Bee.

-[crying]

-[mimicking motorboat]

How you like it?

You want them quick or you want them long?

[continues mimicking motorboat]

You want a little spit on them?

[Bee] Cole!

-[Allison] Oh, my God.

-[John] Hey, hey, hey.

Who's gonna want to suck on my nipples?

No one.

[John] Cole. Come here, Cole.

Stop running.

Come here, little baby.

Yeah. Come here, buddy.

Just wanna talk. Just wanna talk.

Son of a b*tch.

Hey, this ain't Home Alone.

Hey, hey, hey.

Oh, sh*t.

[exhales]

Oh, sh*t.

Right in the jugular. Yeah! [chuckles]

[gasps]

-Get him.

-I got him.

I'm gonna kill you with my bare hands.

Whoo!

-Now I gotta clean this up.

-[Max] Run, Cole!

I'm coming for you.

Open the door, Cole.

No locked doors, Cole!

Open the door. We just wanna talk, Cole.

Come on, Cole!

[panting]

Hey, Coley. How's it hanging?

[fabric stretching]

Please, don't kill me. Please.

No. You're gonna kill me. No.

Max. It's okay, Max. Please.

Got you.

Ow!

Whoa. Deep breaths, buddy.

[coughs, groans]

[Max] I'm right on your ass, Coley!

Keep moving!

Come on, Cole!

Where are you, you little sh*t?

Cole.

Coley.

[panting]

[shouts]

There's a dead guy...

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

[shouting]

Okay. Okay. Okay.

Bug spray. Blanket.

Lighter.

Whoa. The Fat Dragon.

[Max] Coley!

Cole!

Come out and play!

[Cole panting]

[footsteps above]

[Sonya whispers] Is this where you are?

[laughing]

[Sonya hums]

[creaking]

[shouts]

Are you right... here?

Good boy.

[gasps]

Beautiful boy.

So soft, so pretty.

[Max] Coley!

-Where's Cole?

-[Sonya] Ugh.

[Max] Sonya, bring your cookies

and help me find this little f***.

[Sonya] I'm coming.

[whimpers]

Hi, Cole.

Oh, God.

How long do you think

it'll take your parents

to find your body down here? [chuckles]

Tomorrow?

Two days from now?

Even later?

Probably when your body starts

to reek like cheese.

[laughs]

Or we could just burn your body, Cole.

It would be so beautiful.

[Sonya screams]

[laughs] Oh, you missed.

[Sonya screams]

My nails!

Cole! Cole! [grunts]

-[thuds]

-[grunts]

I'm gonna make sure

you hurt before you die, Cole.

Cut your fingers off. Every single one.

Come here, Cole!

I'm making

a human self-centipede. Yeah!

Human self-centipede, child!

Gonna taste so good, Cole!

Your mouth is gonna get sewn

to your ass, Cole!

Your mouthy ass!

[screaming]

[Sonya continues screaming]

I'm still alive motherfuck--

[loud bang]

[gasping]

[coughing]

[applauding]

Did you just blow up Sonya?

No.

I mean, I'm not even mad.

I'm a little surprised.

What did that?

A firework.

A firework?

Holy sh*t.

Damn, good for you, kid.

That is awesome.

So, you want a head start?

-Come on, you're the quarterback.

-Life's not fair, dude.

You guys suck.

You just blew up Sonya.

You can't outrun me, Cole.

Wait until they've almost got you,

drop like a bag of rocks.

[Max grunts]

[Bee] Kick him in the dick.

Dick.

[Max groans]

Whoo!

You missed my dick.

-No, I didn't.

-Pretty sure you did.

And I got a big dick.

No, you don't.

That's just hurtful.

[shouting]

Please, don't-- Don't--

[gasping]

[Max] No whining.

Save some dignity.

[egg breaking]

-What the hell is that?

-[gasping]

-Huh?

-It's Jeremy.

-What?

-Eggs.

Eggs.

Eggs?

You gotta be shitting me.

Somebody's egging your house?

[crowd cheering]

[Max] Who is this kid?

Just an a**hole.

-He egg your house a lot?

-Sometimes.

-[Max] So, what are you gonna do about it?

-What?

I said, are you gonna let that little punk

come on to your property,

your family's property

and disrespect you like that?

No. Hell, no. This is America.

You need to wreck his ass.

Are you kidding me?

Get out there and crush that b*tch.

Go.

[chuckles] Well, well, well.

It's Cole sore.

I like your pajamas.

-Thanks. My mom made them.

-[scoffs]

You wanna do something?

You know what I'm gonna do?

What's that?

I'm gonna take this right foot,

and I'm gonna whop you

on that side of your face.

And there's not a damn thing

you can do about it.

[chuckles] Really?

Really.

I'm gonna wreck your ass.

[grunts]

[grunts]

What the hell was that?

You must be crazy.

Jeremy, you have to listen to me, okay?

There's a guy over there

who's trying to kill me.

-I swear to God.

-I swear to God.

-I'm serious.

-I'm serious.

There are dead bodies in my house.

-Wait, seriously?

-The cops came. They killed the cops.

-Where is the cop car?

-They're crazy. They're covering it up.

Okay? If you get me out of this,

I'll wear a blue headband.

I'll give you foot massages.

I'll do your homework until college.

Oh, okay, okay.

I'll help you.

-Really?

-Yeah.

I mean, if you die,

who am I gonna pick on?

Exactly.

Okay, so, here's the plan.

On three,

we're gonna make a run for my bike.

-You're gonna ride in the back. All right?

-Thank you.

One, two--

[Jeremy laughing]

Have fun getting murdered, colon cancer.

Ooh-whah, ooh-whah.

Ooh-whah, ooh-whah.

You talk too much.

Crack him in the face next time.

Not bad.

At least you stood up for yourself.

You gonna let me go now?

[Max laughs]

[sighs]

No.

But if you kill me,

you won't get what you want.

No, I'm not like the others.

I came here to kill people.

Yes! That's what I'm talking about, Cole!

Come on, buddy! Whoo!

Come on, Coley.

Come on, buddy. I'm right behind you.

Move your ass, Cole.

Whoo!

Coming for you.

-[Cole screams]

-Whoo!

Come on, buddy. Get moving.

[Max laughs]

Come on, buddy.

Let's go!

Come on! Get up there! Come on!

[singsong] Coley.

Come down and play.

[grunting]

Coley.

Come on, Cole.

Chi-chi-chi, chi-chi-chi, ah

Chi-chi-chi, chi-chi-chi, ah

Stuck in the tree.

No way down!

Coley.

Coley.

Coley.

[panting]

[gasping] Where is he?

[screams]

[in normal voice] You're a badass kid.

Relax, Max.

You don't have to do this.

Well, I kind of have to do this.

Don't worry. I'm not gonna let you die

with egg on your face.

You poor bastard.

You deserve better than this.

Tonight you get an honorable death.

Tonight you die a man.

I don't wanna die a man.

[both grunting]

[Max grunts]

[Cole shouts]

[gunshot]

Why are there guns?

[gun c*cks]

[gunshot]

Come here. Come here.

-Was that a gun?

-I got the two guys and the Asian girl.

-The cheerleader got shot. It's just Bee.

-What is going on?

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