The Babysitter Page #2

YOU IN LOVE WITH THIS GIRL, HUH?

IS THAT IT?

YOU'RE ALL BENT OUT OF SHAPE.

THAT'S COOL.

IT'S HARD TO KNOW IF YOU REALLY LOVE A GIRL

UNLESS YOU'VE F***ED HER.

WHY DON'T YOU CALM DOWN?

[SIREN]

SH*T. GO, GO, GO.

ARE YOU F***ING CRAZY?

OH, MAN,

I'M SORRY, MAN.

AM I THE GREATEST AT SAYING THE WRONG THING?

YEAH, YOU ARE.

THAT'S TWICE.

JACK, I'M SO SORRY.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.

I SHOULD JUST KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT.

I'VE GOT A LITTLE SURPRISE.

LET'S SEE. WHAT DID I DO WITH THAT?

BAM.

LOOK AT THAT FAT GUY.

LET'S BURN IT DOWN.

RELAX. NO ONE CAN SEE US.

OH, JACK, MAN,

COME ON.

THAT'S MY WAY OF SAYING I'M SORRY.

HERE IS TO A NIGHT...

OF ENDLESS POSSIBILITIES.

HEY, MAN,

WHAT THE F***?

JACK...

ALL I SAID WAS YOU SHOULD CALL YOUR GIRLFRIEND.

I'M NOT GONNA CALL HER!

WHAT, ARE YOU WORRIED ABOUT THE TUCKERS?

COME ON. THEY'RE ALREADY OVER AT MY HOUSE.

PARTY TIME.

[WHISTLING]

HONEY, COULD YOU PLEASE STOP WHISTLING THAT TUNE?

AND TRY NOT TO DRINK TOO MUCH TONIGHT, O.K.?

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

YEAH.

HEY, DOLLY, HARRY, GLAD YOU COULD MAKE IT.

WOULDN'T MISS IT FOR ANYTHING.

MWAH. HOPE WE'RE NOT TOO LATE.

YOU'RE ONE OF THE FIRST.

OH, YOU TWO.

HI. HI.

COME ON UP.

O.K. ALL RIGHT. GOODBYE.

HI, BERNICE.

OH, THANK YOU.

YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL.

OH, HI, SAM, WILMA, JOE, AUDREY.

HARRY, WHAT'S YOUR POISON?

UH, BOURBON. HI, EVERYBODY. DOLLY?

UM, I'LL TAKE A WINE SPRITZER, PLEASE.

SO, AUDREY, MUST BE ANY DAY NOW.

YOU MUST BE SO UNCOMFORTABLE IN THIS WEATHER.

OH, YEAH.

I'M USED TO IT BY NOW.

HOW ARE THOSE FOUR BOYS OF YOURS?

OH--WE HOPE IT'S A GIRL.

HERE, DOLLY.

OH, THANK YOU.

HOW'S YOUR LITTLE ONE, DOLLY?

OH. OH, HE'S FINE.

HE'S THE MOST PRECIOUS BABY,

BUT IT'S NICE TO GET AWAY.

IT ISN'T EASY.

WELL, IT SURE DOESN'T SHOW, DOLLY.

YOU LOOK YOUNGER EVERY DAY.

WHAT'S YOUR SECRET?

SECRET? HA. HAAGEN DAZS.

ALL THOSE CALORIES-- GETTING HER BABY FAT BACK.

HARRY, HAVE A HEART.

HA HA, YOU SON OF A B*TCH.

ON SECOND THOUGHT,

I'LL TAKE A VODKA STRAIGHT UP.

[TV GUNFIRE]

HEY, GUYS...

BITSY...

JIMMY...

YOU'RE A THIEF!

STOP IT.

YOU GUYS, ST-STOP IT.

YOU GUYS, GET OFF!

HA HA HA...

GET OFF.

STOP IT.

STOP IT.

STOP IT.

JIMMY, I'M SERIOUS. STOP.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

WHAT ARE YOU DOING? STOP IT.

[RING]

JIMMY...GET OFF.

[RING]

[RING]

CAVALRY TO THE RESCUE.

HELLO. TUCKER RESIDENCE.

HI. IT'S JACK.

OH.

HI, JACK.

WHEW...WHERE ARE YOU CALLING FROM?

WHY ARE YOU BREATHING LIKE THAT?

OH, THE KIDS JUST BEAT ME UP.

OH, REALLY? UH-HUH.

MAYBE I SHOULD COME OVER AND PROTECT YOU.

WELL, I DON'T KNOW, JACK.

WELL, I THOUGHT MAYBE I'D COME OVER

AND, UH... AND HANG OUT,

WATCH SOME TV OR SOMETHING?

WHEN THE KIDS GO TO SLEEP, WE'D BE ALONE.

I DON'T THINK THAT'S SUCH A GOOD IDEA.

COME ON. YOU WANT ME TO, DON'T YOU?

WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?

HAVE YOU BEEN DRINKING?

NO. NO, OF COURSE NOT.

I JUST WANT TO COME SEE YOU

AND WORK THINGS OUT.

NO, JACK.

I TOLD YOU-- I'M NOT READY.

YOU--YOU'RE GOING TOO FAST.

WHY? WE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING.

JACK, NO. THAT'S IT, ALL RIGHT?

I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU TODAY.

N-NOTHING. NOTHING.

JUST WANT TO TALK.

I'LL TALK TO YOU LATER.

I'VE GOT TO TAKE CARE OF THESE KIDS. BYE.

[CLICK]

SH*T.

GOD!

GOD, DON'T YOU HAVE SOMEPLACE TO GO?

WHAT'D SHE SAY?

NONE OF YOUR F***ING BUSINESS.

AH, CHICKS, MAN...

I KNOW HOW IT FEELS.

LISTEN, I KNOW YOU'RE A GOOD GUY, JACK, IT'S JUST--

WELL, YOU TAKE IT TOO SERIOUS, THAT'S ALL.

AND MY ADVICE SUCKED. I'M SORRY. FORGET IT.

BUT MY POINT IS, CAN'T WE JUST DO SOMETHING TONIGHT?

KNOW WHERE WE CAN GET SOME FREE BEER?

OH, MAN, IT'S FRIDAY. LET'S GO HAVE A DRINK.

IT'S NOT GOING TO KILL YOU.

[MUSIC PLAYS]

IT'S OVER BEFORE YOU KNOW IT.

I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

HEY, WHO PLAYS GOLF?

WE'LL MAKE IT A FOURSOME.

CHARLIE WILLIAMS.

LET'S SEE, UH, RICHARD.

TUCKER, I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU ON THE GREEN TWICE THIS YEAR.

'CAUSE I'M ALWAYS SELLING CARS TO HEELS LIKE YOU.

I'LL GET OUT THERE.

JUST GIVE ME ONE STROKE A HOLE--

I'LL GIVE YOU A STROKE. BEND OVER.

WHAT'S UP, DAD?

HOW YOU DOING?

EVERYONE, YOU KNOW MY SON MARK.

THIS IS MY FRIEND JACK.

JACK, THIS IS SAM.

HEY, HOW YOU DOING?

HARRY. HARRY, JACK.

HARRY, THIS IS YOUR BABYSITTER'S BOYFRIEND

RIGHT HERE IN THE FLESH.

WHAT THE F*** ARE YOU DOING HERE, SON?

HELLO, JACK. IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME.

USED TO SEE JACK A LOT

WHEN MARK WAS STILL ON THE TEAM.

YOU JUST WON THE ROTARY SCHOLARSHIP, RIGHT?

YEAH.

YOU WERE GREAT LAST SATURDAY.

O.K., O.K., ENOUGH.

YOU'RE EMBARRASSING HIM IN FRONT OF EVERYBODY.

YOU THINK WE COULD USE THE CAR?

UH, KEYS ARE IN THE KITCHEN.

BYE, FELLAS.

YOU GUYS DON'T HAVE TOO MUCH FUN.

YOU GOT PRACTICE TOMORROW, JACK.

WONDER WHAT THOSE GUYS ARE UP TO.

THEY'RE PROBABLY GOING OUT TO CHASE SOME TAIL.

BOY, THOSE WERE THE DAYS, RIGHT?

MM.

FOOTBALL RALLIES,

MOVIE HOUSE BALCONIES.

BARE THIGHS, NO-CONTROL TOPS, NO CROTCHES.

JUST A FLIMSY PAIR OF PANTIES IN THE BACK SEAT.

LIKE A BROKEN BALLOON.

THOSE GOOD TIMES ARE GONE, OLD MAN.

WHAT DO YOU THINK WE SHOULD DO?

WELL...

I DON'T KNOW IF TONIGHT IS ABOUT "WE."

I THINK TONIGHT MAY BE ABOUT YOU.

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?

DROP IT, MARK.

I'M NOT GOING TO LET YOU SAY NO THIS EASY.

THIS IS A PERFECT OPPORTUNITY, O.K.?

LISTEN.

I DRIVE YOU OVER THERE, DROP YOU OFF,

YOU GIVE HER A COUPLE OF THESE BEERS,

YOU SEE WHAT HAPPENS.

LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING.

YOU ASKED HER IF YOU COULD STOP BY, SHE SAID NO.

WHY?

I MEAN, YOU'VE BEEN OVER THERE BEFORE, RIGHT?

THE TUCKERS ARE HERE.

LIKE, WHAT'S THE STORY?

I'M NOT SAYING SHE'S SCREWING AROUND OR ANYTHING,

BUT IT'S LIKE...

YOU DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT ME AND HER.

TRUST ME.

TRUST ME ON THIS ONE.

THIS IS WHAT YOU WANT, MAN.

COME ON. LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.

JUST LIKE I EXPECTED.

SOME PARTY.

DISHES, NOISE, CLUTTER, FAT,

AND THAT'S WHEN THEY START TO CHEAT ON YOU.

DOLLY, I THINK SOMETHING'S GOING ON AT HOME.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

I THINK THAT BABYSITTER'S

GETTING A VISIT FROM HER BOYFRIEND.

HARRY, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?

SUCH AN IMAGINITIVE BOY.

SUIT YOURSELF, BUT I'M GOING TO CHECK IT OUT.

THE ONLY PERSON THE BABYSITTER

NEEDS PROTECTION FROM IS YOU, NOT HER BOYFRIEND,

SO WHY DON'T YOU STOP EMBARRASSING YOURSELF?

[SIGHS]

HONESTLY, I DON'T KNOW

WHAT HIS PROBLEM IS TONIGHT.

YOU KNOW WHAT I FIND MOST DEPRESSING?

THAT FAT DRUNK:

WITH HIS BELLY HANGING OVER HIS BELT

IS SOMETHING I'M STUCK WITH

TILL DEATH DO US PART.

SORT OF MAKES YOU WISH THE MARRIAGE VOWS

HAD AN A**HOLE CLAUSE, DOESN'T IT?

HUSBANDS ARE REALLY DIFFICULT TO PUT UP WITH.

I'VE GOT TO CHECK ON MY--

I FORGOT ABOUT THE HORS D'OEUVRES

IN THE OVEN.

YOU KNOW, I REALLY LOVED IT

WHEN BILL CALLED ME YOUNG-LOOKING TONIGHT.

OH, DOLLY...

YOU LOOK YOUNGER EVERY DAY.

SHOW ME YOUR SECRET.

BILL...

WHAT WILL THE NEIGHBORS THINK?

DOLLY...

IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG?

NO, NO, NOTHING'S WRONG,

JUST--NO. HA HA.

NO.

BITSY, IT'S TIME FOR YOUR BATH.

[MARK] HOW ARE YOU HOLDING YOUR LIQUOR, JACK?

HOW DO YOU FEEL, MAN?

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